I’m so confused I just keyed my own Tesla.

this is like drake and kendrick lamar but they're both drake

I need to stop wasting my life staring at my phone, is there an app that can help me do that?

may slips away day moons and deer paths

We all have broken dreams. What matters is picking up the pieces, and what form they take when you stitch them back together in the end.

After two years of fighting, my brother’s heart couldn’t take any more, and early this morning, it stopped him from having to go through more pain. I know a couple more months of this it would only get worse. At least that’s what I’m telling myself anyway. Cause my heart really hurts today.

Ok, this time you have to admit that Trump is making no cents.

I long for meaningful conversations, but also avoid putting any effort into befriending the type of people who might carry on such things, and so instead, I just talk to me.

be kinder to yourself today, you idiot

Don't Stress the Fuckery.

blinking my turn-ons at him in morse code didn’t work out i don’t know morse code

The nice thing about long weekends is that you get an extra day to yell at your family

Not trying to brag but I’ve been called “really old” and “not funny at all” by some people I support financially

I noticed that you refused to acknowledge my condolences. Now I shall curse you yet again!

I hate when I finally find a comfortable position in bed and realize that I haven’t been to work in three days.

I would wish you the best, but wishes have recently gone up five cents.

just love a cat with big “you’re not my real mom energy”.

Women are only unhappy about their age when they start looking it.

Men are only unhappy about their age when they start acting it.

Text "STOP" to drop and roll.

In college, we had a cat named Norm who always sat at the end of our bar. If you don’t get why that’s cool, then you’re a lot younger than me.

Existential bread is why I avoid carbs.

I don’t drive a Tesla, but I park like I do.

Sure edible panties are cool, if you wear panties.

I am the bottle inside are my words I stand on a beach if I give in to the tides pull in my desire to be heard and let go fears that run deep if I cast myself into the sea will I float? or will I sink? I am the bottle my words are now yours you stand on a beach the answer is no longer up to me

Climate change doesn’t exist. In other news, Australia is in its 9th year of summer.

Imagine if Lassie dug a deep hole, called it a well, then barked until Timmy came over to look down the hole, then shoved him in it, then went to fetch people to come save him, pushed them in too, and kept doing it until Lassie could safely stand on the well to take credit for fixing an “emergency.”

Get in user, we're going feral.

What if you slept? And what if, in your sleep, you dreamed? And what if in your dream you went to heaven and there plucked a strange and beautiful flower? And what if, when you awoke, you had the flower in your hand? Ah! What then? ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge

the wind in the leaves... memories of his hands on her waist

I see you, I care, and I love you.

I am in love with a window and take what it gives me

me, at gym: imma do some flys fly, on the wall: what

In the unlikely event that I win some kind of sports championship, please do not pour sports drink over me. I would be mad. I would play it off like I was not mad because we were on TV but later I would talk to you about it.

I owe a fair amount of my bad luck to the fact that many times when I said “knock on wood,” I was actually knocking on some cheap-ass melamine office furniture.

Taller than your average reply guy.

bad news: turns out bluesky was connected to the internet this whole time

I'm too nice to know this much about Office Suite

Drugs. Drugs will keep us together

Please make yourself comfortable. We’re going to discuss my intolerance to lactose again

Website: ENTER NEW PASSWORD Me: Daredevil WS: PASSWORD MUST CONTAIN A SPECIAL CHARACTER Me: DaredevilFeaturingPunisher

"Mommy, can I try to take off your bra?" "Look, I have enough money for college or therapy, not both."

Choosing safe vacation destinations only makes sense if you want to come home, I said, while booking a one way ticket for a Libyan wine tasting tour.