The Onion, 23 years ago. theonion.com/no-blood-for...

*all the fifa executives rifling through their dictionaries looking for the definition of ‘peace’*

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

American public opinion is largely generated by foreigners who make money by lying to Americans over unregulated social media. Out of respect to those entrepreneurial foreigners, we will continue to treat their commodified fictions as one side of a reasoned American debate. -The Editorial Board

petition to switch from calling it xmas music to bskymas music

If you call yourself a follower of Jesus Christ but support the pepper-spraying and arresting ministers, then thou art staggeringly full of crap.

Idea: hotter pockets

Anyway a great way to radicalize people is for them to realize that you just abandoned their chance at being able to access and afford health care because you didn’t like waiting in line at the airport.

Remember when some of us said the Democratic leadership would take all the wrong lessons from the blue tsunami and squander all the goodwill? Here you go.

Me: *absolutely wailing the opening verse of the Carpenter's 'Close To You' in a fine, fragile tenor* The guy at the urinal next to mine: *eyes closing as he harmonizes perfectly*

Incredibly funny to watch the right wing going Oh so just because I love money and hate poor people I'm a bad Christian according to "the pope"???

COP: you ran a red light ME: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction so i also did not run a red light COP: what ME: it’s a law look it up

🎶Hi. My name is what? My name is who? May name is *ticka ticka* Dick Cheney🎶

The Supreme Court decided MONTHS AGO that Presidents are ALLOWED TO drop shit from fighter jets onto protesters so I don’t get what all the fuss is about

Zohran Mamdani Refuses To Share Plan For Making Rich Richer

MAGA

I believe the white house posted some sort of assplosive video

Fun fact: There were ZERO arrests of #NoKings protesters yesterday, however there were 22 MAGAs arrested for attempting to incite violence.

The Trump shit video is basically this, but I will reiterate that if a Dem is critical of conservative voters it’s a generational scandal and when Republican pols literally post themselves shitting on their opposition virtually the entire elite politics and media class treats it as fine and normal

The president needs your help! He's collecting diarrhea for his plane. He has a plane that's 99% toilet with other people's diarrhea in it and he wears a little crown when he drives it around. Brave patriots please send your loose stool to your favorite diarrhea president for his diarrhea plane.

❌👑

MSNBC Grandmas in Skechers seamlessly reclaiming the frog from 4chan Nazis in about six weeks has gotta be the political upset of the century.

Worst America-hating ever

Omg 😂

He said he wanted to be treated like a king. So they poisoned him and wiped out his lineage as well

Brace yourselves for an influx of orange babies in nine months

Stop calling us Nazis or we’ll murder you over things you say

Trump is online positively wailing about this picture, because he is weak and vain and cares exponentially more about himself than anything else. That said, if there is something Trump does not want America to see, that means it is probably something every American needs to see. Please share widely.

BREAKING: trump imposes 500% tariff on inflatable frog suits

The Nobel committee announces a new category - The Nobel Orange Dipshit Prize - but says an inaugural winner is yet to be chosen.

Your Honor the prosecution asks that the “what’s taking so long on that malicious prosecution” DM be excluded

So cool that whenever someone asks the president, “did you eat the Lindbergh baby” he’s like, “no but I’d be allowed to, I have the right to, I might do it later”

Roman doctors be like: HE NEEDS A 4, STAT

*airplane makes really loud noise* *pilot on intercom* what the fuck was that

[first day as a doctor] me: inside of you are two wolves patient: …you mean lungs? me: (looking at x-ray again) you know what

I can’t believe I’m watching interviews of city mayors talking about how they are coordinating with other mayors to discuss how to protect their residents FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES I know we are “used to it” but it is absolutely insane

Republicans don't need a single democrat to keep the government open. If the government shuts down, it's because republicans want it to.

[at my second rodeo] listen up you ignorant sack of shit

Shouldn’t Tylenol be suing right about now?

Canceling Disney+ because they canceled Kimmel is well and good, but if you really want to make them pay attention, there is no better way than fucking Goofy's wife

entire press has gotten bullied into treating charlie kirk as if he was one of the most important americans alive and not a modestly popular podcaster

“Wait but if they declared anti-fascists enemies of the state then they were basically admitting the state is actually fascist, no?” — some poor baffled student trying to study for their Fall of the American Empire history exam in the year 2525, probably

great news! you're not actually seeing karl rove, john yoo, and david frum criticize the administration's lawlessness more stridently than dem leadership. you, reader, were infected with rabies by a brown bat 36 hours ago and this is all just the virus working its way through your nervous system

by karl rove am i being pranked here

Man, a lot of crazy shit has happened since Epstein’s birthday letter was released a week ago Monday.

Silly Jimmy Kimmel. He should have just called for all homeless people to be killed and he’d still have a job.

i don’t even pray for people i like i am not joining a group ritual to say nice magic words about a garden variety fuckhead