The Real Melissa
@therealmelissa.bsky.social
đ¤ 549
đĽ 747
đ 1382
jaded gen x-er, mom, hip-hop connoisseur đ§ PNW đŚď¸eyebrows are not my own âžď¸
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The Real Melissa
Gef the Toking Mongoose
about 9 hours ago
That's my emotional support lol at the end of every message
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needing reading glasses to cut my fingernails is a new fun thing for me, getting old is super rad
1 day ago
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The Real Melissa
Jason, ex Inferis
3 days ago
When I realized that Iâm like the god of my gut microbiome, I started eating in mysterious ways
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all these kids learning to drive only electric cars are cooked when the zombie apocalypse comes
3 days ago
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remember when bob costas had pink eye at the Olympics
4 days ago
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The Real Melissa
Fun
8 days ago
a fun thanksgiving ice breaker is to go around the table and rate everyone by hotness. itâs fine if no one else wants to play
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The Real Melissa
farner
7 days ago
when I learn how to read itâs over for u hoes
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grass fed, free range clown posse
add a skeleton here at some point
7 days ago
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if I had been born in the 90s and not the 70s, my childhood obsession with stationary definitely would have tipped someone off to the autism
7 days ago
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The Real Melissa
BooBooKitty
8 days ago
I like my men like I like my bathing suit. I donât
add a skeleton here at some point
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I need to set up indoor cameras and start an OF called âweird ways I injure myselfâ and itâs just videos me hurting myself doing normal, everyday things
8 days ago
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share a tv series youâve watched from beginning to end more than once
add a skeleton here at some point
9 days ago
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this is the best day of my life because an eagle talon tried to race me on the way home
10 days ago
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add a skeleton here at some point
13 days ago
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The Real Melissa
Ray
14 days ago
Yawns are weird. You're tired? Why don't you open your mouth really big about it? What's that? You're not tired, but you saw someone else open their mouth big? Well, guess what.
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I love my new car so much I would marry it if I could
14 days ago
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apparently 47 is the age you start appreciating the car more for its seat comfort than almost anything else
17 days ago
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four months of 405 detours through my neighborhood has made me realize that I hate everyone
20 days ago
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just take a look at this sexy motherfucker
20 days ago
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The Real Melissa
weeder
24 days ago
Do you ever drip dry in the shower for a while pretending you're a terminator that just arrived?
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I just need everyone to know that today, an 8 year old turned slowly, looked at me with huge eyes, and whispered, âin 20 yearsâŚyouâll be six sevennnnâ and I couldnât even be mad because itâs true đ
27 days ago
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I am burnt the fuck out
28 days ago
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The Real Melissa
Mass Dude
about 1 month ago
Fuck fluoride. Letâs put some Xanax into the national water supply.
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The Real Melissa
Stew
29 days ago
Itâs funny how people tell me not to make it weird, but still invite me to things
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I just text this to my dad and told him he can take away my cassette, he can take away my CD, but he can NEVER TAKE THIS ALBUM AWAY FROM ME đ
29 days ago
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*spending my birthday money on weed since 1995*
29 days ago
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The Real Melissa
Comfortably Numb
29 days ago
If you see someone stealing food - no you didn't.
add a skeleton here at some point
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YOU WILL NEVER FIND ME (shoutout to all the other Melissas having to endure really stupid text messages right now)
about 1 month ago
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officially decided that the worst household chore is washing, drying, and putting the mattress cover back on the bed
about 1 month ago
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Iâm afraid to uncover/open my fireplace because so far weâve had: - the bat incident - the bird cremation incident
about 1 month ago
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two relatives have text me this morning with jokes about hurricane melissa
about 1 month ago
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The Real Melissa
ash
about 1 month ago
I just live like I have my act together.
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I like to announce to my neighbors that Iâm home by blasting 6 foot 7 foot I bet they love it
about 1 month ago
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wtf is this đđť
about 1 month ago
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if nothing else, the old white men are now just using ai to do what theyâve always done more quietly, but they never heard âonce you post it, itâs there foreverâ or they think it doesnât apply to them
about 1 month ago
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The Real Melissa
mr. cannoli
about 1 month ago
ready to leave the garbage dimension now
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The Real Melissa
dillo (yakubian mamba)
10 months ago
been working on this for a few years
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âŚon sunday, much to the worldâs chagrin, melissa awoke with her vocal cords restoredâŚ
about 1 month ago
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neurotypical friend and I are currently having a conversation about my lack of ability to rank 5 âattractivenessâ traits of men trying to explain that my brain canât do this, because none of those things matter to who a person IS, so I actually cannot rank them. my brain is just saying IDGAF
about 1 month ago
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I donât know how to explain it but the new chevy blazer looks like it was 3-d printed
about 1 month ago
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there should be a force field at the gym entrance and if youâre wearing a gallon of cologne it just bounces you back out the door
about 2 months ago
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my circumcision definitely gave me autism my mom should get her money back
about 2 months ago
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I need a television that blocks out the scary movie trailers for me in October I have unwillingly seen way too much horrifying shit this week
about 2 months ago
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itâs super dumb when Adidas black doesnât match Adidas black
about 2 months ago
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I always draw my eyebrows on perfectly on days Iâm probably not even leaving my house
about 2 months ago
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this is the saddest email ever
about 2 months ago
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The Real Melissa
đBOOPđ
about 2 months ago
People are too nonchalant about the fact that birds can talk.
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The Real Melissa
Tusk Jenkins
about 2 months ago
If I loved you in elementary school then I would just happen to bring some extra newspaper articles for a current events assignment in case you forgot yours as you did and still you married somebody else. I would again too, but platonically
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The Real Melissa
Theciscokidder
2 months ago
For mental health reasons, the HHS recommends that your media diet should be 10% news and 90% shitposts.
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The Real Melissa
BrujoLocoâ ď¸đ¤đş
about 2 months ago
education is to make a better society, not purely for financial gain you donât need it for money, these assholes proved that so letâs use what we know, whether it was formal education or life experience
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