That's my emotional support lol at the end of every message

needing reading glasses to cut my fingernails is a new fun thing for me, getting old is super rad

When I realized that I’m like the god of my gut microbiome, I started eating in mysterious ways

all these kids learning to drive only electric cars are cooked when the zombie apocalypse comes

remember when bob costas had pink eye at the Olympics

a fun thanksgiving ice breaker is to go around the table and rate everyone by hotness. it’s fine if no one else wants to play

when I learn how to read it’s over for u hoes

grass fed, free range clown posse

if I had been born in the 90s and not the 70s, my childhood obsession with stationary definitely would have tipped someone off to the autism

I like my men like I like my bathing suit. I don’t

I need to set up indoor cameras and start an OF called “weird ways I injure myself” and it’s just videos me hurting myself doing normal, everyday things

share a tv series you’ve watched from beginning to end more than once

this is the best day of my life because an eagle talon tried to race me on the way home

Yawns are weird. You're tired? Why don't you open your mouth really big about it? What's that? You're not tired, but you saw someone else open their mouth big? Well, guess what.

I love my new car so much I would marry it if I could

apparently 47 is the age you start appreciating the car more for its seat comfort than almost anything else

four months of 405 detours through my neighborhood has made me realize that I hate everyone

just take a look at this sexy motherfucker

Do you ever drip dry in the shower for a while pretending you're a terminator that just arrived?

I just need everyone to know that today, an 8 year old turned slowly, looked at me with huge eyes, and whispered, “in 20 years…you’ll be six sevennnn” and I couldn’t even be mad because it’s true 😂

I am burnt the fuck out

Fuck fluoride. Let’s put some Xanax into the national water supply.

It’s funny how people tell me not to make it weird, but still invite me to things

I just text this to my dad and told him he can take away my cassette, he can take away my CD, but he can NEVER TAKE THIS ALBUM AWAY FROM ME 😂

*spending my birthday money on weed since 1995*

If you see someone stealing food - no you didn't.

YOU WILL NEVER FIND ME (shoutout to all the other Melissas having to endure really stupid text messages right now)

officially decided that the worst household chore is washing, drying, and putting the mattress cover back on the bed

I’m afraid to uncover/open my fireplace because so far we’ve had: - the bat incident - the bird cremation incident

two relatives have text me this morning with jokes about hurricane melissa

I just live like I have my act together.

I like to announce to my neighbors that I’m home by blasting 6 foot 7 foot I bet they love it

wtf is this 😂🎻

if nothing else, the old white men are now just using ai to do what they’ve always done more quietly, but they never heard “once you post it, it’s there forever” or they think it doesn’t apply to them

ready to leave the garbage dimension now

been working on this for a few years

…on sunday, much to the world’s chagrin, melissa awoke with her vocal cords restored…

neurotypical friend and I are currently having a conversation about my lack of ability to rank 5 “attractiveness” traits of men trying to explain that my brain can’t do this, because none of those things matter to who a person IS, so I actually cannot rank them. my brain is just saying IDGAF

I don’t know how to explain it but the new chevy blazer looks like it was 3-d printed

there should be a force field at the gym entrance and if you’re wearing a gallon of cologne it just bounces you back out the door

my circumcision definitely gave me autism my mom should get her money back

I need a television that blocks out the scary movie trailers for me in October I have unwillingly seen way too much horrifying shit this week

it’s super dumb when Adidas black doesn’t match Adidas black

I always draw my eyebrows on perfectly on days I’m probably not even leaving my house

this is the saddest email ever

People are too nonchalant about the fact that birds can talk.

If I loved you in elementary school then I would just happen to bring some extra newspaper articles for a current events assignment in case you forgot yours as you did and still you married somebody else. I would again too, but platonically

For mental health reasons, the HHS recommends that your media diet should be 10% news and 90% shitposts.

education is to make a better society, not purely for financial gain you don’t need it for money, these assholes proved that so let’s use what we know, whether it was formal education or life experience