If you've built your life around a set of beliefs, you should be able to defend them. For example, I believe Mr. Peanut has a peanut-shaped dick

disturbingly plausible

angry cave man holding a large club

we stand with don lemon and the entire lemon party

I sometimes despair that the camera can never really capture just how amazing the natural world can be. But sometimes, just sometimes, the winter light hits those reeds and all those reflections pop... #birds #birdphotography #birding #photooftheday #photography #NatureIsAmazing

If xenomorphs incorporate the host's DNA so that their form takes on some of their characteristics, I think we need to see what happens when that host is a teletubby.

Took a wrong exit on the Highway to the Danger Zone and ended up at the Slight Risk Rest Area.

The word "penis" comes from the Middle English "peenous" meaning "having the qualities of a peen."

6-7 > 9-9-6

9-9-6: 9 chicken wings 9 beers 6 mg of xanax

In my new one-man show, "Icarus / Ichorous" I explore the tenuous relationship between...

I dreamt a story about Mouse-M??-Man who decided to walk to the end of the world. He wandered until he found someone who knew how to get to the end, only to get there and find more of the world around a corner. So he continued, but at every end, the same. He kept going for generations.

But what if I WANT to make an ass of u and me?

I guess this is what we get for downloading that car.

Hear me out: a keyboard for internet posting with nothing but "caps lock". You can't say anything, but you can say it VERY LOUD.

Your moralizing is demoralizing.

"The old pier was a known disposal site for the remains of pigeons, and not just of the stool variety."

It's always darkest before the dawn of the planet of the apes

Cursed co-headliners: Better Than Ezra / Less Than Jake Monster Magnet / Bitch Magnet U2 / Me Too And The Gimmee Gimmees Circle Jerks / Square Pusher The Sundays / The Happy Mondays

Do you have change for a zero?

everything is so stupid and there is so much of it

The doom in the room looms mainly in the tomb.

The World According to Derp

what if, hear me out, being a part of The Thing isn't that bad

Ask your doctor if January is right for you.

I don't drink anymore so I'm gonna need a nonalcoholic Molotov cocktail.

a seasonal depression

We are community or we are less. We are engines of kindness and connectivity or we are less. When decency is framed as a radical position we must remain who we are. Our resistance is also in refusing to be less openhearted and filled with compassion.

To combat the existential dread, I'm making D&D character sheets for all the McDonald's Playland characters. I'm thinking: Ronald McDonald - cleric Grimace -sorceror Hamburglar - rogue (obvs) Mayor McCheese - paladin Birdie - ranger Captain Crook - druid (?) Fry Guys - Grimmace's familiars

I have an idea for a very cathartic FPS game.

More and more convinced that we're living on some weird scraggly-ass, out of place branch on the timeline that someone forgot to prune.

By naming their AI assistant Copilot, Microsoft is pushing the notion that AI is God.

Its a dog eat dog world out there. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the other dog

End of the work week I'm like

Ruin a first date: "... and to drink, I'll have a glass of milk."

I haven't pad for a single Cadbury's Cream Egg in over 10 years. I call them Crime Eggs and it makes them even more delicious.

i leveled up but the only thing i can put my points into is existential dread

Why study psychology when you can be the case study?

Maybe we should just follow the example of the dinosaurs when they faced their catastrophe and evolve into birds.

Nothing is so broken you can't break it more.

For Sale: Used metal, like nü.

Must have.

This is the way the world ends Not with a Chumba but a wamba

just had to chase a grinch off my lawn in fucking january. it was picking pinecones off my tree to eat. that's not a christmas decoration, dumbass. you're eating a normal january tree

I once shot a man for criticizing my text alignment. It was justified.

what walks on four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening? a pair of chickens crossing the road, one of whom gets badly injured by a car before lunch but hops right back into action around five thirty. why do they do it? how should i know, i'm a sphinx not a mind reader

oh great, my doctor prescribed me 2.71828 mg of e so now i gotta find a compounding pharmacy 🙄

When the time is 10:00 GMT time, it's ∀§: ¿∞ ¾ DMT time.

RFK Jr. suggesting Americans snort lines of asbestos to reduce the risk of spontaneous combustion.

I fear the sea. It knows what I did and it's a terrible gossip.