First guy to figure out you could make a noise by blowing through an animal's horn was probably on some freak shit

It's going to be a bad autumn to be an apple

Vizier: Dire news, Your Grace. It's humpty dumpty. He's.. had a great fall. He's cracked, Your Grace King: No matter. Simply have all of my horses and all of my men attend to him Vizier, tears in his eyes:

Merry: the closer we are to danger - Pippin: - the farther we are from harm! Treebeard: oh my god shut up, just shut the fuck up! You've been talking all day. Nobody wants to hear it. We don't care what you have to say, just stop fucking talking!

It's the cinema experience that has critics saying "I don't know"! "I overslept and missed it" - Dolly Rigg, The Times "My car was in the shop" - Cam Era, The Globe "Doctors say I had a transient 108 minute amnesia event. They've never seen anything like it" - Erik 'Dutch' Angle, The Tribune

Don't call me bro unless we share a mother. Or we've shook hands, or been in the hardware store at the same time, or we're wearing the same jeans. Or if you think my eyes are pretty

My high school football coach's advice for making love to a woman was the same as his advice for winning a college championship: if you ever do it, come back here and tell me what it's like

Having watched the superbowl, I think we can all agree there is too much DEI (white players) in the league

If the pat's win I might do it

pulling up to the studio and open mouth coughing on the beat

Only the good go young. And that leaves a lot of us bastards standing

"Bad things come in threes" Me: Oh good, we're nearly out of this! Bad things #30 and #31

They are putting me in a trash compactor. I'm not worried though, it's obviously not a very good compactor if they call it that

Oh hoh.. what's this? A good night? Mind if I just - *goes gently into it*

There should be a burlap sack owner registry. Not saying everyone who owns a burlap sack is bad, but I'm seeing the patterns

They are putting me in a burlap sack and swinging the sack against a wall to test the durability of its construction. If after ten swings the wall is unmarred, it is a good wall, and everybody is very happy 😀

* removing "thrust" and "gyrate" from my emote wheel to make room for "lounge" and "weep" *

19 year old cousin and her friend don't know the difference between a nickel and a dime. Not joking

Hmm. I should try this again when I have the Mandate of Heaven. I don't have the Mandate of Heaven The old man said I'll need the Mandate of Heaven

Telling the police sketch artist "okay now I'll do you"

Feeding the dog a pot of beans before dropping her off at the sitters for the weekend

I can't enjoy eating salt knowing that it was never truly alive

Monkey business is largely banana import/export and rent-seeking behaviour

Sorry pal, but we both always knew it would come to this. I need ichor, and you're full to bursting with it. Nothing personal

Royal Guard: State your business! Me: Sneed's Seed and Feed Royal Guard: what Me: well, it used to be Chuck's. You see actually it's quite clever, if you were to - Royal Guard: [clubbing my pate]

Been meaning to get my PAL for a while but think I've got to put it off some more just in case they ask any questions about my life recently. Telling the guy like "listen, I know what you're thinking, and I get it. But I promise I'm not gonna do it"

Fmbcl

If there's a better way to spend an afternoon I haven't found it yet

I know this is going to come off as conceited, but I genuinely don't believe Shrek would have beat me in the royal rumble match in Farquaads court

What happened to us, man. Our chili festival's gone mainstream, lost its heart. We forgot what its all about. We used to do it for the beans!

The woke left doesn't want you to find love. They don't want you to court a lady. They'll try to tell you that you shouldn't drill a hole in the bottom of your chili bowl and sit next to a gal you fancy at the Chili Festival

Scheming court vizier: kingwhowantsmetorulehiskingdomsayswhat

Duality of man

Magistrate: I want him kept under lock- Me: *smiling smugly* Magistrate: - and key Me: Oh fuck oh shit oh fuck

I know I'm not going to communicate this right but what's the best song title. Feel like there might be an objective answer

Was going to make a joke that "The Prancing Pony" is a gay bar, but come to think of it I don't think there's a single woman in the entire place. "That fellow's done nothing but stare at you since we arrived" The Prancing Pony is a gay bar

Not my recalcitrant ass cracking a smile

Been debuffed so long it feels like buffed to me

I like my cribbage how I like my lovemaking. One on one, and with as little pegging as possible

30 second slop dinner or 1 hour effort dinner tonight.. what are we thinking gang

Billy Joel's priorities are kind of fucked

Star Wars made sheltering inside a dead animal mainstream, now the whole scene is filled with posers

Its a dog eat dog world out there. Some days you're the dog, some days you're the other dog

(Haven't seen Pluribus only kind of osmosis-ized a rough idea) (For this joke imagine we are in the Pluribus universe) But doctor... WE are Pagliacci!

Speaking Truth 2: Power

Whenever you visit Americans they're always like "lets have dinner at Zaxby's tonight. I'm in a mood to get belligerent with some wait staff, and Applebee's said they'd ban me if I fight another employee this month. I can't get banned my daughter's wedding is going to be there!"

Used a re-spec token before this first date to charisma-dump but she ended up canceling and now I don't have the INT to find my way home

The most interesting man in the world.. he once proceeded his reputation by so far that his reputation never got there