(Research monkeys chatting on smoke break) so like, what I don't get then is like, is there a Wire Father? Who fucked Wire Mother?

Steve Ballmer on stage at product reveal, 2040: All of our new models of residential helper android's will have human-like asses(not a sex thing) so you can spank them when they are naughty and misbehave(again, not a sex thing) [Scattered applause]

Popping off a handgun downtown because I'm ADHD

Laying myself down to sleep on the cold linoleum as my forefathers before me

Had a great time out but then I got home and things went to shit shoulda stayed out #OutAllNight

THE FOPPISH DANDY used Bon Mot. It was super effective! You are stunned for (1) more turns THE FOPPISH DANDY is charging Witty Repartee You are no longer stunned. Feign apathy [ ] I'm Rubber and You're Glue [x] Hate Crime [ ] Flee [ ]

I remember watching Kraven: The Hunter and at one point the camera zooms in on a cigarette butt and there's practically a flashing neon sign that says "Chekhov's Cigarette Butt!". And then they never address it again so I waited for a post-credit sequence to see if it would make an appearance

The secret to alchemy is that most combinations of two things will make mustard gas If you mix them except for lead and the pope’s blood which makes gold and daytime television and benzos which makes race science

I used to do standup but I hung up the mic years ago - I was supposed to go on after Michael Richards at the laugh factory. Good luck following that act

Can't keep silent about this anymore... Taz was straight up traveling in Space Jam

Dr Bones on the hit network television show Bones when it turns out the victim had an incredibly rare bone disease: "hmm. This might be useful information, too bad I've got other stuff to keep me busy until we get to the 3rd act"

Referring to the opp as a "milksop" >>>

like two ships going at it on each other in the night

Listen toots let me be clear off the hop: the only thing I do gentle is simmer. And lovemaking

Fiscally responsible stimulus packages for Algernon

(my buddy's being taken over by a cursed amulet) Resist its call, you fat sack of shit.

[Running out of ideas] uhh what if we used the buffalo's ribcage as like a xylophone or something ?

Haven't done any contrivances in a minute damn

Phalanx is kind of the "chode" of battle formations

Asking the Kinko's guy to print me 100 copies of the true face of God and he just nods and goes in the back

Phalanxes were removed from the meta after the devs introduced chain lightning

And now we'll go live to outside the courthouse where Lightning McQueen is making a statement. Let's listen in LM: I.. I thought it was a deer! I never meant for any of this to happen. I'm.. I'm so sorr- (Me from the crowd) LIGHTNING, DO "KERCHOW"!

Some dickhead nominated me for president of the local. Fuck off

Thought that was Naomi for a minute, something about the pose

Having a tall glass of ice cold milk with a warm milk chaser

Hunker down so much it feel like up to me

Friend last night asked me "hey what was the song that played last time about like how Don Cherry fucking sucks?"

Anthropologists, archeologists and other -ists have yet to refute my claim that the reduction of the prominent brow in early human ancestors was the result of improving baseball cap technologies

Sebulba's mom: Sebulba, you quit fooling around and stand up on your legs right this minute! Sebulba: okay, mom...🧍‍♂️

Now you said jackal cavalry... is that like men riding on jackals? Or, or like.. jackals riding on horses? Or some other 3rd thing I can't conceive of

Side effect of Halloween costume this year is for the next few weeks I can pretend to be the Stafford Road Man

Waluigi Was the Good One, You're Just Fat-Phobic and 99 Other Takes

Yelling a constant tone the whole time at the urinal so the other guys know I'm not inhaling any fumes

Chekhov's Suppository

The key is to come into the game without sin so you can freely cast the first stone. Then if you're quick enough you can stun-lock your opponent and transition into your max combo

Mike's not exactly hard, but it'll get the job done, lemonade

Introducing myself as a "small ball" enthusiast and getting really confused when people keep trying to talk to me about baseball

I'd take 0 and sunny over a grey 20 every time

If I had a bee in my bonnet I would be chill about it

If you put a vampire under a magnifying glass it stays the same size

Reaching into my leather drawstring coin purse and pulling out a slightly smaller leather drawstring coin purse

Settlement hit, I'm at Arby's like "bring out the horse"

You can't bring coloring books across international borders. It's basically like the prime directive

Guy I chatted with last week was just beaten to death. Fucked

I heard anglerfish had his bottom ribs removed so he could suck his own light

Guy who thinks Genghis Khan led "mongrel hordes": well I mean yeah it's not like there would have been much market for breeders

Gandalf: Do you take me for a conjurer of cheap tricks!? Hobbits (watched him make a stick glow, shoot off fireworks, blow smoke rings, and not much else for 900 pages): I mean... yeah... But they're cool tricks!

Aggrieved father: are you the one who left the ransom note? Me: [pausing my expert twirling of my diabolo sticks to let out a big sigh] you build a thousand bridges...

Hey watch this [throwing a framing hammer straight up above our heads as hard as I can]

Momentarily compressing a horse into an infinitely dense 2-sphere to make a horse diamond, which is like a regular diamond but horse colored