regular sized ackman
@pleas4nt.bsky.social
📤 500
📥 113
📝 601
You can always find me in the drift
(Research monkeys chatting on smoke break) so like, what I don't get then is like, is there a Wire Father? Who fucked Wire Mother?
1 day ago
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Steve Ballmer on stage at product reveal, 2040: All of our new models of residential helper android's will have human-like asses(not a sex thing) so you can spank them when they are naughty and misbehave(again, not a sex thing) [Scattered applause]
1 day ago
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Popping off a handgun downtown because I'm ADHD
3 days ago
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Laying myself down to sleep on the cold linoleum as my forefathers before me
3 days ago
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Had a great time out but then I got home and things went to shit shoulda stayed out
#OutAllNight
3 days ago
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THE FOPPISH DANDY used Bon Mot. It was super effective! You are stunned for (1) more turns THE FOPPISH DANDY is charging Witty Repartee You are no longer stunned. Feign apathy [ ] I'm Rubber and You're Glue [x] Hate Crime [ ] Flee [ ]
3 days ago
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I remember watching Kraven: The Hunter and at one point the camera zooms in on a cigarette butt and there's practically a flashing neon sign that says "Chekhov's Cigarette Butt!". And then they never address it again so I waited for a post-credit sequence to see if it would make an appearance
4 days ago
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reposted by
regular sized ackman
little lamb
4 days ago
The secret to alchemy is that most combinations of two things will make mustard gas If you mix them except for lead and the pope’s blood which makes gold and daytime television and benzos which makes race science
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I used to do standup but I hung up the mic years ago - I was supposed to go on after Michael Richards at the laugh factory. Good luck following that act
4 days ago
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Can't keep silent about this anymore... Taz was straight up traveling in Space Jam
4 days ago
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Dr Bones on the hit network television show Bones when it turns out the victim had an incredibly rare bone disease: "hmm. This might be useful information, too bad I've got other stuff to keep me busy until we get to the 3rd act"
4 days ago
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Referring to the opp as a "milksop" >>>
4 days ago
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reposted by
regular sized ackman
mara
5 days ago
like two ships going at it on each other in the night
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Listen toots let me be clear off the hop: the only thing I do gentle is simmer. And lovemaking
4 days ago
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Fiscally responsible stimulus packages for Algernon
4 days ago
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reposted by
regular sized ackman
SHREW
5 days ago
(my buddy's being taken over by a cursed amulet) Resist its call, you fat sack of shit.
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[Running out of ideas] uhh what if we used the buffalo's ribcage as like a xylophone or something ?
5 days ago
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Haven't done any contrivances in a minute damn
5 days ago
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Phalanx is kind of the "chode" of battle formations
5 days ago
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Asking the Kinko's guy to print me 100 copies of the true face of God and he just nods and goes in the back
5 days ago
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Phalanxes were removed from the meta after the devs introduced chain lightning
5 days ago
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And now we'll go live to outside the courthouse where Lightning McQueen is making a statement. Let's listen in LM: I.. I thought it was a deer! I never meant for any of this to happen. I'm.. I'm so sorr- (Me from the crowd) LIGHTNING, DO "KERCHOW"!
5 days ago
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Some dickhead nominated me for president of the local. Fuck off
5 days ago
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Thought that was Naomi for a minute, something about the pose
add a skeleton here at some point
7 days ago
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Having a tall glass of ice cold milk with a warm milk chaser
7 days ago
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Hunker down so much it feel like up to me
9 days ago
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Friend last night asked me "hey what was the song that played last time about like how Don Cherry fucking sucks?"
10 days ago
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Anthropologists, archeologists and other -ists have yet to refute my claim that the reduction of the prominent brow in early human ancestors was the result of improving baseball cap technologies
10 days ago
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Sebulba's mom: Sebulba, you quit fooling around and stand up on your legs right this minute! Sebulba: okay, mom...🧍♂️
10 days ago
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Now you said jackal cavalry... is that like men riding on jackals? Or, or like.. jackals riding on horses? Or some other 3rd thing I can't conceive of
10 days ago
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Side effect of Halloween costume this year is for the next few weeks I can pretend to be the Stafford Road Man
11 days ago
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Waluigi Was the Good One, You're Just Fat-Phobic and 99 Other Takes
16 days ago
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Yelling a constant tone the whole time at the urinal so the other guys know I'm not inhaling any fumes
16 days ago
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Chekhov's Suppository
16 days ago
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The key is to come into the game without sin so you can freely cast the first stone. Then if you're quick enough you can stun-lock your opponent and transition into your max combo
16 days ago
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Mike's not exactly hard, but it'll get the job done, lemonade
16 days ago
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Introducing myself as a "small ball" enthusiast and getting really confused when people keep trying to talk to me about baseball
17 days ago
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I'd take 0 and sunny over a grey 20 every time
17 days ago
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If I had a bee in my bonnet I would be chill about it
18 days ago
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reposted by
regular sized ackman
little lamb
19 days ago
If you put a vampire under a magnifying glass it stays the same size
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Reaching into my leather drawstring coin purse and pulling out a slightly smaller leather drawstring coin purse
19 days ago
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Settlement hit, I'm at Arby's like "bring out the horse"
26 days ago
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You can't bring coloring books across international borders. It's basically like the prime directive
about 1 month ago
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Guy I chatted with last week was just beaten to death. Fucked
about 1 month ago
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reposted by
regular sized ackman
little lamb
about 1 month ago
I heard anglerfish had his bottom ribs removed so he could suck his own light
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Guy who thinks Genghis Khan led "mongrel hordes": well I mean yeah it's not like there would have been much market for breeders
about 1 month ago
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Gandalf: Do you take me for a conjurer of cheap tricks!? Hobbits (watched him make a stick glow, shoot off fireworks, blow smoke rings, and not much else for 900 pages): I mean... yeah... But they're cool tricks!
about 1 month ago
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Aggrieved father: are you the one who left the ransom note? Me: [pausing my expert twirling of my diabolo sticks to let out a big sigh] you build a thousand bridges...
about 1 month ago
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Hey watch this [throwing a framing hammer straight up above our heads as hard as I can]
about 1 month ago
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Momentarily compressing a horse into an infinitely dense 2-sphere to make a horse diamond, which is like a regular diamond but horse colored
about 1 month ago
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