Watching wasted people pull u-turns in front of the place

They're plugging me into a Big Fucking Machine

Hey guys, I know it's been a tough couple months following our faithful leader Moses through the desert, but hey a desert can only be so big right. We'll be outta this desert by year's end, guaranteed.

Connon

The foundation of all infantry warfare is.. you, Private! Private: hip flexibility, sir? Well I'll be goddamned. Absolutely co-rrect private! Kingdoms rise and fall on the supple flexors of its warriors Each morning, every one of you owes me 100 foam roller stretch thingies! Welcome to boot camp

I'm sorry but until we get James on here I can't fully cut ties

Had a really beautiful moment of awareness and presentness that unfortunately overlapped with someone in the room recounting how that "bitch from gradeschool blocked me on facebook"

Approaching the trip with a heavy karmic debt just for fun. Like let's cook a bit

sure technically it's a cover. but don't tell me axel f isn't improved tenfold by adding a little cartoon freak with his baby carrot out saying ding ding.

Sure, I picked the wrong cup and didn't get the Holy Grail and eternal life. But this is actually one of my favourite mugs now. The mug you hide in the back when guests come over

Did ancient people lack fine motor skills? As early as 7 months a modern baby would be capable of doing a hand-to-hand transfer to grab Achilles by the other heel for a second dunk

Asking my highschool guidance counselor which courses I should take to learn how to double-jump

Howard Hughes pissed in bottles and amassed a vast fortune. I piss in bottles and have not amassed a vast fortune. So it's not the piss thing that makes your fortune, it's something else entirely

you're using the bathroom at my house. suddenly a computer voice from the toilet beneath you loudly exclaims "Achievement Unlocked: Logstorm." i am immediately banging on the door shouting "yo hey are you logged into my profile!?!"

Lord, when I look back at our footprints in the sand, what's with this section here? There's a line between your footprints, what's that? Jesus: that's where I let my shit haaaaaang bruh lmao bet you didn't know I was packing like that

*dropping my newborn infant on the floor of the neonatal unit* [Bashfully] he's not heavy, he's just awkward to carry. I lift way more than that all the time

Niles Crane son or Roz daughter?

Naming my beautiful infant son "Kerf"

Taking my dickhead son who emits a constant monotone beep to go hang out in the ICU at the hospital

Vegan restaurants you don’t have to hang up a pride flag we already know how you feel. It’s like a sports bar putting up a swastika

Police had some clues, but the boat they were using to cross the river wasn't big enough for everybody so they left the bag of clues behind with the chicken who ate it

Following today's atrocity police are looking for a 6' white boy with chestnut hair and brilliant blues eyes. To that this reporter says "yeah, well get in line!"

There's a slight ringing noise in my ears in between frames as my sprite turns into a cooked turkey

this horseshoes set doesn't even have any gear for the goalies am I supposed to just be rawdogging these hot shots from my cousin's boyfriend what the fuck

Scientists are working hard around the clock to create a bed that is impossible for monkeys to jump on. But they were so pre-occupied with whether they *could* they never stopped to ask themselves: wouldn't it just be easier to kill all the monkeys?

Ask yourself this. Does this look like the bumbershoot of a man who cares to have his head wetted?

Anyone want a Molson and a poutine

Jester coming out without the hat with bells on it to critical confusion. But the other jesters love it. A real jesters jester

Firing an 18-pounder straight up in the air and twirling a parasol casually overhead

Eyeliner for dogs. Tested on animals

Getting shot in the head by police sniper crossfire in a hostage situation and the Press Your Luck "Whammy" rappels down from the ceiling of the bank to gloat over my lifeless body

Giant baby (remember that? Giant baby?) has just been executed by Qatari seret police. He didn't break any rules or anything, just they were either going to have to declare him king or kill him

Santa and the Grinch teaming up to fight their common enemy, progressive land reforms.

Always amazed how many errant basketballs manage to clean-bean courtside fans. Guy sitting down the 3rd baseline will get a hand on that 102 exit velo liner more often than not

Lt: Privates! At the core of all great military strategy is one thing: posting. Douglas! A hypocrisy of the American political class has been laid bare on your timeline. Course of action? Pvt: QT with a snarky sitcom gif, sir! Lt: You're dead private. It happens that fast.

Went a little tryhard on the wrapping this year

Made a fortune selling blue kool-aid as mana potions but I'd better skip town before the ley-line ebb ends and people get juiced up for real

fake tooth suicide capsules in a range of flavors. teriyaki seppuku. “Fresh to death” cool mint. chive and onion

(Calling home for the first time on night 5 of my business trip) and what of my portcullis? Holding fast, no doubt?

I'm trying to invent a new way to skin a cat but it's hard because this is a pretty well trodden path

That the grinch had a fortified mountain stronghold and an established tunnel system and still couldn't wage a successful guerilla war campaign tells you all you really need to know about him I'm afraid

Any burrito is a breakfast burrito when you have the warrior's spirit

Nice try, idiot! Babel was our decoy tower, while you were busy here we completed construction in Akkad!

My therapist says a Jaeger from Pacific Rim would fix me, but unfortunately the tech is still decades away. But she says second best thing is to keep giving her $300 a month

😡I'm a feral berserker. I channel the life-force of my slain enemies into vicious attacks! 🧙‍♂️I'm a dark wizard. I draw power from the netherrealm to cripple the psyches of my foes! 😇I'm a holy paladin. My deity rewards my faith with unearthly strength! 🙋I'm Dave, and I have a gun

Due to a typo mix up in the story board, during tonight's episode of Looney Tunes Pepe Le Pew will be visiting the Vatican

Are skunks endangered in France. Why didn't Pepe Le Pew find a looser skunk, one who liked to party a little

It probably would have been easier for Pepe Le Pew if he was the cat, and the girl was the skunk

White cat accidentally getting a stripe of black paint down it's back and Pepe Le Pew is overcome with an unquenchable lust to do violence unto it