my body IS a wonderland I quietly say to myself after taking two sips of soda and feeling my kidneys turn it into five gallons of piss

Mr. Pibb dressing up as Dr Pepper for Halloween

Heavens to Betsy Betsy to Heavens Heavens BACK to Betsy Betsy GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments

Started calling the middle of a loaf of bread “the king’s bread” and saying things like “a cheddar this fine demands the king’s bread!” This is just one of the many ways I have scraped joy out of a cold and unaccountable universe.

*sarcastically answering a question in front of my grandma* does a bear politely use the restroom in the woods?!

In Sixteen Candles when Molly Ringwald says "me?" and looks around, except me when I'm at a four-way stop sign and the other cars are all like "Yeah you"

date: keeping an orca in a tank is torture me: [nodding] absolutely…the most difficult thing I’ve ever tried to do

Call me “boss” once and I’ll refer to you as Executive Director of the Board of Governors the rest of your life, don’t dare try to finagle a direct report to me sir

[hitting rock bottom] good game Dwayne

At Jonestown, 906 cultists died of drinking poisoned Kool-Aid, as well as the first officer on the scene, Jeff "Don't Mind If I Do" Ramirez.

My elbow grease machine broke but i can probably get it working with a little elbow-my god oh no

Howdy like dem apples

reflecting back to one of the greatest “chips” i’ve ever eaten. a guy died two booths over when i crunched it

JUST PLAY CHVRCHES ALEXA WHY IS THIS SO HARD

I can’t remember where I read this, but it’s important: Why is it that when people think about traveling to the past, they worry about doing something small that will drastically change the present, but no one in the present thinks that doing something small today can drastically change the future?

"Your outtie posts nearly humorous things on social media to the delight of several."

“Your outie is a real piece of shit but you didn’t hear that from me”

Left my phone in the refrigerator again so when you see this I’m trying to figure out who or what sent this post

Kendrick Lamar just told everyone in our book club I was wearing these pants yesterday.

the tuba player in this symphony orchestra (yeah, I’m super cultured) just sat here for two hours to go “deep toot, deep toot, deep toooooot” like five times

I’m celebrating Valenstime’s Day by listening to La Bamba on repeat

fingerless gloves, for when you don’t want blisters but need those tips to tan

[someone accuses me of being happy] Me: first of all, how DARE you—

Sorry, I'm not going to be able to make our lunch date today because as I was getting on the bus to meet you, someone's fingernail scraped my hand just a little and I feel very unwell now.

[gas station attendant pulls the premium pump out and lets me sniff the nozzle] *I nod*

How to get attention without being noticed by anyone ever

someday we will have the technology to turn the plastic accumulating in each of our brains into a personalized McDonald’s happy meal toy but until then we must continue gathering

Resting bitch face in spirit, resting corner-me-in-an-elevator-and-try-to-sell-me-your-new-country-gospel-album face in real life

I’m such an alpha my scary dreams are called nightstallions

trump: we're going to make canada the 51st state sufjan stevens, rubbing temples: oh my god no no no no no

Snake oil salesman: 100% CURES DEPRESSION AND DANDRUFF AND DIABETES Beard oil salesman: I don’t know, it smells nice. Sure, try it on your snakes.

25 days into Beef Broth Sippy Cup January and it feels like I’m the only one still doing this bros

Opened Pandora’s box. Popping Pandora’s bubble wrap.

If I can be of further disappointment, please do not hesitate to let me know

*me, trying to make a new friend* me: I like pickles them: oh, wow, I love pickles too! me: well, yeah, no shit. almost everyone loves pickles

just heard “Teenage Dirtbag” on the oldies station

Sure, I’ve got skeletons in my closet, but they’re just monkey skeletons, and the President legalized that today.

GUY: how’s it going? ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

ME: *throws a fried chicken breast and it returns like a boomerang* KFC INTERVIEWER: *presses intercom button* holy shit larry get in here

shrug, shrug against the dying of the light.

Me (getting out of a destroyed car): Haha man, did you see that? What a wreck! I can't believe I survived! Grim Reaper: ...yeah, it seems pretty unlikely. Me: Right? What are the odds?

shaving my head so the bald cap fits better

If big bird was real we’d kill him in seconds and everyone knows it

accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm

Some people don’t know that “it’s” is short for “it is” but it’s

her: I’ll call your number so it’s in my phone me: ok her: *dials* me: *answering* hello

please, call me BJ. Dr. blow job was my father

[Six years later] I don't think this is how rebounds work