My toxic trait is I’ll keep sending you TikToks when you leave twitter because it’s my only way of communicating with you

How rural am I? I went to school with 5 kids who got kicked in the head by a mule and one of them thrice. 2nd kick made him a different kid and the 3rd kick brought him right back

If you see a man looking stressed ask him if if’s because he’s a disappointment

When Donald Trump was re-elected President, you went out and stocked up on _________.

[getting roughly bounced from a Dunks] THE ‘ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT’ WAS A STUNT NO WAY THEY’D LET HIM DO THAT STUPID BABY FIST PUMP WHY IS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS can I go back in and get my coffee

The worst part of going to your kid’s recital must be not having a bar to go to when openers are shit.

I slept like a baby last night, knowing Elon Musk fully grasps how despised he is.

“Alexa, how much longer?”

Question: if Trump signed an executive order for all women to wear dresses when outside the home, would you comply?

Putting someone in jail for being Transgender is the equivalent to putting someone in jail for wearing the color yellow.

I'm going to wear this everywhere

Free agency begins today. I say we cut Trump and sign a free agent president who’s not a traitor.

I like you guys *gestures at my weird small niche corner of the internet*

You can dip your pizza roll into my ranch dressing if you wanna

The older I get the more I understand why birds fly into oncoming traffic.

I don't think these companies want me to actually rate my experience

Daylight saving time is wild. Last week I was waking up at 4 a.m., and now I’m still waking up at 4 a.m., but now I’m ready to fight random people about it.

I wish movies had the “press here to move at 2x speed” option

Oh what I said wasn’t a dig. But it wasn’t NOT a dig.

Being an adult is just aggressively whispering “what the fuck” to yourself 17 times a day.

Moving on from butthole skeets to jizz skeets.

When you have nothing good to say, say some dumb shit to get cheap attention

watched 2012 just to make 2025 feel normal.

My boss saying they can’t afford to take me with them to NYC because “flights are so expensive” when they take a black tie car service to/from the airport at $200 a pop and just partially expensed a personal trip on the company is why I have trust issues.

Fuck that guy. Let’s all chip in and buy X. We’ll turn it into a water park or maybe a Costco

For those of you that are arguing with other Democrats on here..what are you doing besides just sitting behind your phone typing? Are you calling your state reps? Are you involved with your local democrats? Don’t just type your BS and say no one is doing anything.

there's never really a bad time to install a moat

people judge sex work like they don’t sell their own bodies and labor to soulless corporate overlords for most their lives tho

In hockey you drop the gloves and everyone takes a break and literally fights it out. Yes it ends in penalties for all but it’s expected. It’s required. It’s the fans’ just desserts. It’s our honor. Get out there and drop the fucking gloves

Eat the rich but not Elon musk. we just play with our food for awhile and then deport him to Mars. Alone

America will be okay. Or it won't. One of those two.

Yall held that Jussie Smollett guy to a higher standard than the president

Stop texting me Ken Martin, text me when you guys are carrying torches

At this point, it’s difficult to tell where my own personal bitchiness ends and my perimenopause begins.

setting boundaries should always feel good. If they react badly, it just proves how necessary they were.

Guy in first Groundhog Day pitch meeting: You know how a lot of rodents are clairvoyant?

We need to face facts that the newly elected dictator doesn’t care if many of us are dead or alive and in fact being dead would probably fit his vision of this country better. I’m not complying with one order from this administration