Me: Hey, Google [pronounced like Miguel] I would like the entire discography of Sugar Ray to play while I soak in the tub. My Wife: Stop calling me that. Also, no, no more Sugar Ray.

A day will come that Tom Cruise can't run in a movie and I don't think any of us are prepared for it.

Me, panic rising in my voice: Babe, have you seen my jorts?

The Tacorina of Time

What's the haps?

I would donate my body to science if I can specify which science. Mine would go to physics. I want them to launch my corpse with a trebuchet.

Wayne Newton?! That's a surprise!

"Yeah, you could say I'm poly. With the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost." That's what I imagine the first American Pope will say when he addresses the crowd.

Me: *throwing open an old steamer trunk full of bird feathers* Babe, have you seen the top hat? Wife: *brushing the moose antlers mounted on my penny farthing* Did you look in the bird feather trunk? Me: *putting on my Baby Yoda backpack* Did I look in-- Do you think this is my first Met Gala?

If you like dad bods you’re gonna love whatever the hell shape this is

Why does a horse always win the Kentucky Derby? What about a speedy giraffe with a heart of gold

“Worst she can say is no.” Bro, she said I look like someone tried to draw President Taft from memory.

Mummy, I’m afraid if I don’t act like a complete dipshit in every arena of life, the other boys will never offer me the brittle wafer of masculinity. Oh how I love its sandy taste, Mummy!

Elon's gonna be first on that autism registry, yeah?

A haiku I wrote: Sometimes I feel like A nut. Sometimes I don't. Fuck. That's not enough syll

Yeah, I've got RIZZ Really Interesting methods for making piZZa

I miss StumbleUpon

I'm at an inflection point with this account. I don't know if I want to keep making generic bad posts, or if I want to make bad posts about something specific.

RFK Jr looking at this human spine like the hungriest man on the planet

So like is the broccoli cut the new fashy?

A tricky thing about modern society is that no one has any idea when they don’t die. Like, the number of lives saved by controlling air pollution in America is probably over 200,000 per year, but the number of people who think their life was saved by controlling air pollution is zero.

And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”

Dude Perfect but it's just me flinging my dog's poo bags into the garbage.

America is solidly in our, “Scream ourselves to sleep, shit ourselves awake” era.

I have some Democrat friends who say the system is still working. Which is like saying the rules of driving still work even as car fatalities go up.

there's a website that I go on to make jokes like "falling on hard times? I'd rather fall on a soft mattress!!!" and a website where i go to learn about the worst people doing the worst shit, constantly, every day, and it's the same website. its like I do an open mic night at Ed Geins house

Today I sliced up 18 peach pies. Then they decided they wanted to have whipped cream on the plate. It took a little longer but I managed to cream all the pies.

these are our party leaders now, ignore all other opinions

Me, starting the annual shareholders meeting: Mustard on the beat, ho.

I lost an hour and all I got was this stupid shirt. Granted, I already owned the shirt. Daylight saving is stupid.

Some Valentine's Day card ideas: - I'm glad your parents boned - Roses are red; violets are blue; we should bone like when your parents made you - I must have been a dog in a past life because I have a bone I want to bury. Like your dad did to your mom.

paying $5 million for US citizenship is so stupid. I'll sell you mine for $4 million

They’ve killed off Mr Peanut and the Duolingo Owl but brought them both back from the dead. Fooled me 2X. I WILL NOT BE SATISFIED UNTIL A CORPORATION KILLS ITS MASCOT AND POSTS ITS SEVERED HEAD

Say what you want about Kendrick but the fact that people are figuring out what “40 acres and a mule” in 2025 is why any education to black history is important, no matter no big nor small.

My favorite novel is 100 𝘠𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘖𝘧 𝘚𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘶𝘥𝘦 because just imagine *closes eyes and clutches fist* all that fuckin’ solitude.

*sigh*

Yes, the zoo is partially funded by public dollars. No, that does not make them “your wombats.”

Wow, I have never wanted to read anything less

how can Trump let Elon do all this, isn’t he angry at being upstaged? When did you forget he’s fucking senile? Do you remember the last month of the campaign where he was dancing and couldn’t say words and fell asleep and shit himself? That happened! He’s done! Why have people mind-wiped this?

[getting the shit kicked out of me] this is illegal actually!

"Hey how come you always arrive 15 minutes early to everything?" Well, that's simple. My only options are either arriving 15 minutes early or completely losing control of my life and arriving one hour late. I am very functional.

I rode the back of the bus. I buried Dr. King. You want me to participate in your little hate-a-thon against some other group? Kindly kiss my black ass.

Got my first "Violating an Executive Order" and "I'll make sure you lose federal funding" parent threat today for teaching "DEI" books in our upcoming "Liberty and Justice" themed unit. Even in "Blue" Massachusetts we're dealing with this. Anyway, don't obey in advance, and don't obey later.

Hey guys meta announced a new policy where they send a killer to get you so be sure to go to settings>my account > killer> disable killer to turn that off

how long do you have to follow a rabbit until they show you where they live cause so far it’s not 27 minutes

tbh people who live in regular houses shouldn't throw rocks either.