A statement for no one by a politician for no one 👍

Hoping to return to an era of bipartisan consensus is going to get us all killed and should be immediately disqualifying for any elected official

RFK Jr: The cure for sodomy is quite simple: exercise and organic foods. Our conversion camps have a 100% success rate. Hakeem Jeffries: More lies from the ruckus boys. You had to cook the books to get that number.

Imagine the access to information about the world one would have as President, if one weren’t possibly the least curious person to ever live

Please stop showing me anything about Ezra Klein. Irrevocably opting out of “Ezra Klein”

do you think he thinks he did this

I really hope my new medbed cures all the diseases I got from eating horse medicine, ingesting colloidal silver, etc. And I also really hope I can pay for it with Iraqi dinar. And I really hope my children start talking to me again.

Kirby when he sees a white boy with an outlandish fuckin' name

The black screen Georgia is putting up to make signals easier to see is causing some weirdness

Southern Cal blew up the pac-12 so they could lose to Illinois at 9am pacific time

Also, even if you don’t hold the levers of power you are more powerful than most people

Fucking say something about Portland and Memphis, please, even if you don’t hold the levers of power you can say words

What are the democrats up to today?

This is literally what the actual "siege" of the auxiliary ICE building looks like

💀💀💀 @theonion.com

@jonbois.bsky.social Watching Baseball

this is gaslighting, plain and simple. No, it's not the worker producing workslop, it's the fucking AI!

Leading national political reporters vowed that never again would they look the other way when a president was showing every sign of being too debilitated to do the job

It's very funny that 1) both Dem Hill leaders are NYC residents and 2) both keep getting poleaxed by this Q and it's ruined their media hits for three months

BREAKING: Incomprehensible Shouting Named Official U.S. Language

Bloomberg Defends NYPD's Controversial Stop And Kiss Program

My statement formally recognising the State of Palestine.

Third Stepdad In Row Has Goatee

I would love to be part of the conversation on MSNBC related to the Kimmel story and it's chilling effects on first amendment, but unfortunately I was terminated by MSNBC for stating that "hateful thoughts lead to hateful words which lead to hateful actions".

Starbucks Employee: Venti iced vanilla latte for Charlie? Conservative Guy: (way too loudly while looking around at everyone) Yes. That is me. Starbucks Employee: Okay man have a good day.

They went and made a fake girl and even she won’t talk to them

if Jimmy Kimmel's political humor is too hot for you to handle, I'm not sure "snowflake" even cuts it as a term of derision for the level of fragility you've achieved

ah, well

Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk

"star wars? nope. yoda? yup" says more in 5 words than most people can do in 500. e40 kicks ass

I've never been out of the airport in South Korea but if I'm not dropkicked into hell by a pissed-off dude in a Members Only jacket within ten minutes I'll be sorely disappointed

Grok is being sent to the reeducation camp

"we cannot express our regrets profoundly enough, but it is our hope that you will use these two free passes to return to jurassic park"

Creating an AI Wallet Inspector app

We are at the point in the honoring-Charlie-Kirk's-memory cycle when faculty are being fired for posting, without comment, Charlie Kirk's words. At the behest of politicians sworn to uphold the first amendment, and in public institutions covered by first amendment protections.

dumbest motherfuckers alive

It should be way bigger news that Trump effectively killed any attempt by foreign countries to build new factories in the United States with this idiotic ICE move. Just incalculable long term damage. Trump just killed his "build America" push www.wsj.com/world/asia/c...

cannot be overstated how much leadership despises its base

We’ve been living through 72 nonstop hours of this exact tweet

Can confirm

You are hereby terminated for saying something mean about America’s preeminent free speech advocate and brave warrior against cancel culture

Remarkable how centrist pundits like Noah Smith are still prattling on about "cancel culture" and "Bluesky-ization" while people are getting fired for insufficient mourning of a bigoted liar who constantly directed hatred towards the majority of Americans.

they need to stop making all these different movies. just make one movie where everything happens

Q: My condolences on the loss of your friend Charlie Kirk. How are you holding up? TRUMP: I think very good. And by the way, right there you see all the trucks. They just started construction of the new ballroom for the White House, which is something they've been trying to get for about 150 years.

Trump Claims He Can’t Be Expected To Remember Every Birthday Card He Sends To Child Molesters https://theonion.com/trump-claims-he-cant-be-expected-to-remember-every-birthday-card-he-sends-to-child-molesters/

what a humiliating way for don jr. to find out his dad sends birthday cards.

Yeah that’s an auto-reskeet from me dawg

Subscribe to the physical copy if you can. The Onion has indeed, through no fault of its own, become America's Finest News Source

16 play field goal drive that took 9:28 off the clock and tied the game