Enterprise software loves to flicker in a webview

Anthropic warns that Charlie Brown could have hoes by Q3 of this year

(talking extra loud on the phone so the bus driver can hear) opening night. front row. it's the lion king - do what you have to. (looking at bus driver) get a spare for my buddy the bus driver if you can

Fortunato (coughing): You’re certain the Criterion Closet is down here Montresor (picking up a trowel): Definitely. Have you thought about your picks yet

ME: what are these red dots on my skin DR: those are bedbug bites ME: oh no what should i do DR: you need to sleep tighter

Some say global warming is hoax, perpistrated by the Chinese. But I say: show me the receeps! Because why would Xi Jinping want to flood my basement and rust my Bowflex? To what end?

You couldn’t write the song “Black Magic Woman” today. Most women have stopped using black magic entirely

Someone needs to take the WHCA dinner tomorrow and add a laugh track

Today my goal is to fuse rap and hip-hop

friend: i think this is it man she asked for a divorce me (having seen my own death in a dream): that sucks man can we move away from the road

I just learned the most Massachusetts coded fact ever.... Someone mapped out Paul Revere's ride (yanno from grade school, the British Are Coming guy) to where the modern roads are now. He could stop at 11 Dunkins along the way.

you just know some guy named geoff decided to spell it "pigeon"

I miss the time when cops didn't post on social media, but now it seems like that's *all* they do

Business books are like “PROFITS are like FOOD for COMPANIES”

ChatGPT: you’re right you’re so much smarter than him. He’s so schlubby and you’re so suave. Columbo will never catch you.

Hey @timcook is this true????

Guy from Sweetwater Sound just interrupted my death doula mid-ceremony to tell us he’s been playing guitar for 25 years

Soaring Gas Prices Forcing More Americans To Drink Less Gas

Incredible sequel. Edge of my seat!

Picture of the century. 😍 📷 credit: Science Tube

your aunt eyeing up the centerpiece at the end of a wedding

Since the beginning of time Jeff’s with a J have hated the Geoff’s with a G. And. If elected. We will hunt and kill them for sport

to me the pitt is a love letter to new york city – a town it lovingly accepts, warts and all. in a sense, new york is almost the show's main character

I should have guessed

My terrible children

Oddly beautiful

Brutal.

demon: choose the form of your midlife crisis me: *thinking* demon: the choice has been made me: wait woah hold on a minute demon: your midlife crisis will be..... modular synthesizers

genuinely think people outside of America don't realize how big this place is, how militarized and murderous our police are, how little our politicians care, how disconnected and impoverished we have been intentionally made to be, how we still have slavery just with extra steps. we really suck gang

BROWSER MAKERS: Let's use AI for lots of things. Like summaries. Or AI podcasts that lie and burp. USERS: Let's use it to make sure the thing on the page the user clicks on is the thing that will activate BROWSER MAKERS: ha ha ha no. How about summaries of advertising

my neighbor says that he is not a genie yet every time i rub his house he comes outside

It is hard to understate what Gen-X had to go through that likely damaged our collective brains. Lead. Hose water. Sugar Ray. That shit adds up

(•_•) <) )╯it is time for / \ (•_•) \( (> camouflage / \ (•_•) <) )╯cargo shorts / \

Mulitple River Cuomos are called a "Rivers Cuomo"

texting death threats to the ref of the Harlem Globetrotters game suggesting Meadowlark and Curly could influence my Polymarket wager if they technically used a "stepstool" instead of a ladder

standard size KitKat packaging is 1.5 ounces. That means there were 256,000 KitKat packages in the shipment thus 1,024,000 individual bars. This means the thief could have shared this heist with 1,023,999 people. All we need to do is find 1,023,999 people with chocolate-smeared pointer and thumbs

Ok, wish me luck

Absolutely perfect. No notes

Somewhere right now there is a guy gassing up his Ford truck festooned with Trump flags, so he can drive through a “No Kings” rally and gun his engine. He sees the gas pump total $78 to fill his tank and does not experience a single moment of self-awareness

Looking good king

Microsoft loves to make webpages that blink and flash different colors and shades 15-20 times as they load before presenting the user with the minimal amount of information

First, the good news. The bathwater has been disposed of.

My falcon is not hearing me worth shit

Me getting to use the internet while I work in 2012: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!! Me having to use the internet while I work in 2026: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.

We need to return to the days where we locked the computer away every night