It’s Boochin’ Time

I love explosions. But I HATE looking back at them. That’s why when I detonate my explosives I don’t look back at ALL

Hello, electricity company? It’s me, customer… from bills?

Imagine going to Threads on purpose

_Can_ you, though?

ME: What’s the first rule of bite club? DRACULA: Is it biting? ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting. RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.

[Jabba the Hutt voice] crypto to your sipp or isa, ho ho ho

AI can triple the output of the five stupidest people at your company. 3x5 that’s like what, 20x? 20x.

[!] You’ve discovered 𝐒𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐣𝐞𝐰𝐞𝐥 ✨ Your inventory is too full you can’t carry any more items.. > Consume 𝒾𝓃𝓉ℯ𝓇ℯ𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓅ℯ𝒷𝒷𝓁ℯ ✨𝐒𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐣𝐞𝐰𝐞𝐥 acquired!

Parents, please check your kids’ candy this Halloween. I’ve just found an ancient metal whistle with the inscription “QUIS EST ISTE QUI VENIT" inside a Snickers bar. I blew it and heard a note of infinite distance, and now I’m haunted by a figure in pale, fluttering draperies. Be safe.

Hold up, he has a "Wino Forever" tattoo?

me, whispering to my friend: sometimes i wish he would just leave guy who lives in my walls: i heard that

Kids on skateboards remain undefeated.

Congrats to Dark Illana Wexler, the new White House Senior Manager of Comms

to be fair the electrical outlets were trying to warn us

That doesn’t sound very divertido bro

“Sorry I can’t attend that 9am video call, some guys are coming to work on the electrical system” WHERE “some guys” = “me” “work on the electrical system” = “flip the circuit breaker on and off for two hours straight”

007 struggling against his restraints: you can't cook those chicken nuggets with the fries, blofeld. you'll burn one and undercook the other blofeld: fret not, mr. bond. this air fryer has dual zones

WHEN THERE’S TREASURE BEHIND THE WATERFALL: Oh wow. Yes, very clever! Waterfall treasure! No one’s ever done that before. Lazy jackass WHEN THERE’S NO TREASURE BEHIND THE WATERFALL: Wow. Too stuck-up to put treasure there huh? Too much of a fucking ICONOCLAST for that? Piece of shit. FUCK you

Deckle edge is for the criminally insane

Seth Rogen is America's favorite Canadian C-student

If I'm ever feeling badly about myself, I try to remember this: At least I didn't write the HDMI/CEC specification for automatically switching HDMI ports

I miss this feeling

What an absolute treasure Diane Keaton was. Her wit never tired, nor did her style.

A great weekend to share Jeff Bridges making a perfect joke

Tonight I will fuse jazz and hip-hop

Kathleen Edwards: So boring, you’ll think you died and went to Canada

Sega CD. PSP. Virtual Boy. Vectrex. DIVX. Netflix Wii Channel.

"This website is free" No. This website comes at a terrible cost

bad bunny should not play the super bowl half time show because he is not a good role model for children. they should get good bunny

Has anyone ever tried fusing jazz and hip-hop

(Fred Schneider voice) i wanna fuck you like an ANIMAL

In addition to being a first rate production designer and concept artist, Ron Cobb turned out some banger political cartoons in the Nixon era.

someone must have told gavin the game involves destroying hastily built shelters

me: i want to sleep in a human-sized hotdog bun 911: sir that's.....ok actually that sounds great me: so who do we call 911: [shouting in background] we're checking now

DON DRAPER: I grew up in a haunted house. I would put out bowls of spaghetti and tell visitors it was guts. Grapes, eyeballs. One of the older boys, who would lunge at people in a wolfman mask, looked after me. The only time I wasn’t scared was when I was eating Reese’s Pieces.

Is this still smart

Sean Penn looks like Wile E. Coyote after a TNT mishap

Real “end of history” vibes at the Holyoke Mall today

Is it ok to designate a dog an "emotional support animal" if you are the one supporting him|

[INT. INTERROGATION ROOM]

Awful news that Kaleb Horton died. A talented writer who in another time would've been getting $5 a word with an expense account. Read his skilled filleting of the Entourage movie web.archive.org/web/20150605...

Important update: "Sweet Honey in the Rock" is now "Sweet Honey or the Rock". Listeners will be asked to fill out a short form before listening which will determine if they listen to Sweet Honey, or alternatively, the Rock

CHOTINER: But you’ve had romantic entanglements in the past. For instance, Lucy Westenra? DRACULA: Tragic case. The poor girl. CHOTINER: Died of acute blood loss, I believe? DRACULA: Attacked by a wolf, I think. CHOTINER: You can turn into a wolf, right? DRACULA: That’s right. CHOTINER: Thank you.

Theme song for Rapture Day:

the reason why there’s two windows at the drive-thru is so you can order and say ‘i love you’ at the 1st window, and then they give you your food and reply with ‘i love you too’ at the 2nd window

Ten Inch Nails

(DMing girl) Life is so randommm it's like.. Whyyyyyy Lol. (logging into Albert Einstein role playing account) (DMing same girl) Life makes perfect since

thinking about big rice

Is it "accidentally" or "by accident"? Anyway, I sawed my assistant in half