Every time humans behave terribly the wind should have something to say about it. There should be a great deafening wind for days afterwards that leave no question in anyone’s minds that we have upset the order of things

Today would be a good day for it

they got our ass!

pound for pound this might be the funniest thing ever written

Me: I'm going to spend some time reflecting on New Year's Day. Secret Dracula: Me too. I love reflecting and I love the day.

barkeep, can i get another activity placemat over here please? (sliding a fifty across the bar) and keep those crayons comin'

Everyone is fighting a battle you can't see. Because we are all constantly being attacked by invisible goblins

Wearing a scarf to the grocery store makes me feel like Jay Gatsby

I would absolutely love to hear Adam Sandler cover “Sultans of Swing”. Just take a moment to imagine it

This might sound harsh, and judgmental, but if video is your preferred way of getting information about a topic, you’re a fucking moron

Forget it Jake, it’s giving Chinatown

every time i take a peek at threads i immediately read the dumbest thing ive ever seen in my life

one thing of many that would be really good to rebuild in this country is local news reporting

The government failed at actually redacting the Epstein files because DOGE cancelled the feds adobe acrobat premium subscription is the funniest shit.

christmas on bluesky

I hope that all of you have a joyous holiday season surrounded by your family and loved ones*. *Except for ICE. I hope no one talks to you or gives you a present and that you accidentally shit your pants while everyone tells you to go fuck yourself at the grocery store.

If this were a proper country we would be reshooting the Folgers commercial with different actors each year

Western Mass Mystery: “what’s this thing in the Eastworks men’s room”

My walk-on music is 3min 41sec and it’s the Wilco track where they simulate the feeling of a migraine

nice argument. unfortunately for you i have already portrayed you as the passed out and drooling sleeptime bear and me as the alert, confident and powerful throat cooler koala

I’m beginning to think that fuckin falcon can hear me just fine

The U.S. is giving dying mall vibes. I can't explain it, but you know I'm right.

vanity fair knew exactly what it was doing

the right attitude

Everyone currently paying bribes to the White House should be made to understand that we are going to remember and make them regret it. www.hamiltonnolan.com/p/if-he-buil...

Did I learn pen and chalk lettering from the album cover of the Beastie Boys’ “Check Your Head” album? Well it hard to say

Was “Frosty” Parson Brown’s alter-ego, or was Parson Brown’s alter-ego “Frosty”

Alexa+ is KILLING IT

Who wore it better?

no i do not want to give you my email for 10% off. and furthermore, I don’t think i should have to click a button that says “i’m a dumb bitch” to indicate that. you’re a website that sells blankets and you can’t speak to me like that.

Dreamed I got a chastising message at work that said, “You should know the names of all the Muppets,” and someone stuck up for me, saying, “I don’t think this one has a name,” and they attached a picture of like a white Gonzo with no eyes

All super rich guys sound the same now. It’s all “I sleep four hours a night and spend the other twenty hours a day developing a product that’s going to bring us the best widespread poverty anyone’s ever seen.”

Reason: not hungry anymore

Looking forward to iOS 27: "Liquid Opaque"

Doctors should be allowed to prescribe bands

Movies I will make, by Quentin Tarantino (🧵, 1/10)

[BLUETOOTH SPEAKER APP HAS RED DOT] [OPEN APP] APP: It is Turkey Day! Enjoy you having Turkey

me: getting a call. hold on brotha it's Scam Likely i gotta take this ☝️ me: {on the phone} That sounds great man. put me down for ten me: Sorry about that. what were you guys saying woodland creatures gathered around me: *chittering curiously at my wounded body*

If you don’t “pray that way,” no need to be “sorry.” Simply explain the way that you do pray without anger or defensiveness

why is it called “orthodontist”,,,, imagine telling someone you’ve got a dontist appointment

Most evenings in 2025 have ended with X’s for eyes, two legs straight up, with tongue sticking out