Have you guys heard that Mamdani proposed building one big hot water heater for the whole city?

I think hiding a big secret would be enough to give an NFL kicker a case of the yips

Track 6 is about her first anal

You guys listening to this new Taylor Swift CD?

and it looks like the pencil is invisible. great

All these people quit drinking because they’re lame and trying to be healthy. I did it because I’m awesome and a recovering alcoholic

Honestly it’s pretty cray that public transportation isn’t already free

The incredible thing about this app isn’t that it’s a worse Twitter, it’s that it’s a worse Threads

The life art saved me from

As a sci-fi space marine, I hate it when the motion tracker shows a swarm of glowing dots converging on my position

I thought driving a Jeep was embarrassing enough and then they started putting rubber duckies on their dashboards

It’s not fair that Bobby Hill was 13 in 1997 and gets to be 21 in 2025

predator horses

There’s no need to stir this natural peanut butter, unless you don’t like oily as fuck peanut butter, then you should probably stir it

William Shakespeare high as shit: man, fortune is like…outrageous

I’m not poor. I’m rich in debt

Tfw your communist friend makes more money than you

I can feel all the Iowans getting hungry for corn

Sometimes I get annoyed that city folk don’t understand just how big a hog can get

new pellets in my enclosure 😌

I do traditionally masculine things all the time—build a shed, work on my car—and have never had someone try to stop me.

I listen to one chemical brothers song and then the algorithm takes me on a tour of the most dogshit pop music the 90s had to offer

Me: my girlfriend won’t have sex with me just because she had surgery on her abdomen a few days ago. ChatGPT: what a bitch

Imagine riding around on a motorcycle bothering people everywhere you go

I thought MAGA understood Trump was a client of Epstein’s but was reformed now, like the apostle Paul

I hate how they keep tinkering with shit and making it worse. If I touch my car window button a smidge the window goes the entire fucking way down, then I try to stop it and it keeps going all the way back up. Fuck this

"The dog ate my Epstein files."

It’s my birthday today and I believe age is just a number. Unless it is someone else’s age, then it is meaningful

liquid death sounds like terminal diarrhea

"We're gonna get rid of this rain folks... We're going to soak it up. I just talked to the president of paper towels, Mr. Bounty and he said he's invented the thickest quickest picker upper" *shoots rolls of paper towels out of a t shirt cannon into a crowd*

When I saw the trailer for the Superman movie I noticed it did not look gritty and that was refreshing

Ah yes, regulations are famously bad at checks notes *making drinking water safe*

Good morning

Of course I am glowing, Susan, I just huffed all of the neon out of this OPEN sign.

One time the kid working at McDonald's handed me a sloppy ice cream cone and just said "sorry they made it kinda shitty" and closed the drive through window I've never had more respect for a worker in any profession

Look at this cool, chill bar I found

My neighbor is always doing stuff like excitedly offering me Todd Rundgren tickets and then being deflated when I don’t want them

Look at this cool, chill bar I found

Neither a DMer nor a reply guy be

this is the same fleshlight the astronauts use. it works underwater!

sorry, i can’t, me & the other dads in the neighborhood are busy calibrating the noise levels on our leaf blowers.

Connections: Cake : pube : gum : cell phone Things you find in a urinal

the stephen king book "thinner" was inspired by his attempts to order freshly sliced ham from the deli counter

Going to open a bakery where everything is a day old and sold at a discount

some frankly amazing AI slop that someone decided to try and post on the r/dataisbeautiful subreddit

"call me ishmael" lol way to dox yourself bro

lemme get a hit of that water, bro

There should be a corner at Home Depot where a guy with a table saw will slice you off custom lengths of hot dog from an infinite hot dog coming out of the wall