every thousand years or so the ancient ones show up all pissed off cause of some crap they've been stewing about for an eon and it's like, hey yog sothoth, nobody knows what the fuck you're talking about

Jack Headphones

Argentina is a team of destiny I guess. The Gods favor Messi, no denying it

If cars are weapons, why do we need licenses to drive them? Second Amendment says you can do what you want with your car

This is like the Battle of Bailén all over again

This is what it should be like to check the news every day.

“Unfortunately, we’ve suffered a steady drop in viewership over the past several years, and I’ll be the first to admit this trend has likely been accelerated by my unsettling physical qualities,” Adam Silver told reporters

the most effective horror films prey on our collective fear of something really scary happening

That photo of Mitch McConnell is doctored! In the original, non-altered photo, the newspaper he's holding has the headline "Dewey Defeats Truman"

i know you’re looking for it. here she is, girls. here she is, world

Deeply saddened to learn of the loss of my dear friend Satan, the Prince of Lies. Though we often disagreed about matters such as the appropriate role of torture in the afterlife, I will most remember how his quick wit and affable nature made our weekly golf outings a ritual. He will be missed.

Racism is bad for your knee ligaments

FIFA is insanely corrupt

These refs have had their thumbs on the scale all game

Whatever happened to the “tough guy and nun have to team up and have an adventure in an exotic locale” film genre?

This made me genuinely emotional

When the weather gets hot, please take special care for the goths in your life. With their floor-length coats, platform shoes, and velvet capes, it’s hard for them to thermoregulate as we do.

I want to see Belgium lose here. They made fun of our beloved President's classic double-jerk-off dance. How dare they!

Mediocre white men shouldn't be running the country. They should be going on exactly two dates with me, before texting that I'm fun to hang out with but he doesn't think we have any chemistry

I miss the old days of having three soccer games on TV every day. One game a day? This is bullshit

Real idea: As part of the effort to get DC and PR statehood, next Dem president should invent about State Weeks. Each of the 52 states gets its own celebration week every year. A random July week is Montana week. Tourism bonanzas. Televised lottery every year for week placement. We ain't above this.

they've finally built a robot that can perform at the level of USA soccer athletes

This week we are marked by the beast and must uncover the mystery behind WES CRAVEN and KEVIN WILLIAMSON's notoriously production-plagued werewolf movie, 2005's CURSED. Joining us are @clarkcollis.bsky.social (author Screaming and Conjuring) and @brianwcollins.bsky.social (author Horror Movie a Day)

As a result of soccer humiliation, the United States have disbanded

Game over man

Trump announces he will be starting at Centre Back for USMNT against Belgium. "It gives us the best chance to win," says 80-year old president. FIFA approves waiver allowing him to be added to the roster

Can’t sleep? Simple methods that work: • study hurricane forecast • who hates me • what did i forget • relive supreme humiliation • win 12-yr-old argument • buried alive? could happen • what i did vs should have done • dead people i miss • what if i’m bad • why do i say stuff • what’s my fuckin deal

SOCCER

Did you know that Neymar, the famed co-star of "XXX: The Return of Xander Cage," is also a professional soccer player?

The world deserves to see Erling Haaland fight John Wick

Imagine rooting for England, the country that Jack the Ripper killed five people in 138 years ago. Disgusting.

Getting a bit chippy out there

Happy Birthday to Steve Rogers! #comicsky

Business idea: algorithmic-style Dynamic Pricing at restaurants. You can get French onion soup for $1.75 when it's really hot out, but a tomato salad costs $57 in August. Everyone hates it; Softbank has already contributed $150m in funding just off the concept.

The Pope has his own squad of ninja assassins, right? They have cross-shaped throwing stars and poison incense and whatnot, I assume

Did that ball even touch him? I don't think it did

Have you ever heard of Dreaming? It's like tripping balls but while you're asleep. Kids today are into some really sick stuff.

batman going back in time and refusing to kill baby hitler but gladly beating baby hitler to within an inch of his life

The goalkeeper for DR Congo is incredible

Could an empire in decline do THIS? *launches deeply unpopular invasion cementing status as lunatic-led pariah state, its not clear what kind of move i was trying to do*

Has anyone used photoshop or AI to envision what Kawhi might look like in a Raptors jersey? Pretty crazy to imagine

Breaking: With Lebron leaving the Lakers, sources indicate the Lakers are planning to "drive Bronny out into the desert with promises of treats, then just leave him there"

companies on july 1st

Hot take: Doing all the 'split personality' stuff for Latka in the last couple seasons of Taxi was a mistake

myhammy has just shot down the moon after it entered its airspace without permission

White House Mocks Paltry Attendance At Democrats’ Great American State Fair https://theonion.com/white-house-mocks-paltry-attendance-at-democrats-great-american-state-fair/

The Cask of Amontillado is basically the closest thing they had to blocking someone back in the day

Mel Brooks determined to do the 2000 year old man bit but accurately