me: but i don’t have an addiction therapist: 👀 (gestures to featherly friends)

can i go home early? my shoes make fart sounds when i walk

someone said “howdy” to me today & i was like ? howdy pardner? then they reminded me that my shirt, the one i was wearing, the one i picked out, did in fact say HOWDY

mona lisa? i hardly know her! folks,

I think the first words I would say coming out of a coma would be, “no please not this again.”

Its swimsuit season, I whisper, eating another swimsuit

shout out to the 20 year anniversary ads for greys anatomy that have me chanting “pick me! choose me! love me!” to everyone, everywhere, and at all times.

Never a dull moment? How about just a few. Please

wowww

ahh (grimacing) the yearning (gripping my hair) it’s back

me: yeah just kinda down lately. i got kicked off my royal match team, not sure why 😔 therapist: you didn’t do anything wrong

(throwing a turtle in a tight spiral like a football)

I'm open to being wrong I just never am

My painting SAGUARO

sorry i tempted your husband & it caused y’all to move to another state. & sorry that state was missouri.

Just boarded a flight. No way is this a "service" alligator.

look. i just. psh. y’know?

(reading the specs of a clown car) wow 32 cupholders

my speed dating for turtles business didn't do so well.

(slaps student driver’s hand away from the turn signal) NEVER let ‘em know your next move

HEY ITS 4pm SOMEWHERE I say at 9:42am

ugh fine i'll be the pope

Two headlines in the New York Times today.

a microwave that counts up instead

rip rest in pope

had a dream about a flesh-eating demon last night. she kept saying, “i have a taste for meat.” all creepy. so how IS your mom?

Today we celebrate Him

one minute you’re taking a shot from someone’s cleavage in las vegas, then suddenly you’re 33 & you just got off work on a friday & your plans are “legs up the wall” & you’re excited about it

you open a pack of pokemon cards & the third one is you, yes it’s holographic

bring me the sharpest cheddar in all the land

my 6yr old nephew mentioned that he watched a movie about jesus’ death & he felt emotional about it happy easter

just finished laying all the eggs for the easter hunt

we can send women to space, but we can’t send billionaires into the sun

Who up gagging they lollys

I think ghosts are equally as haunted by us

just decided to make a living will and request to be cremated inside of a pontiac grand am.

Mila Kunis es Sula Kunis

semi-automatic shitposts

good morning class, i’m your substitute teacher, congratulations

wait you’re FIVE FEET TALL???? wait wait wait if i pull the string on your back do you say catchphrases

i take off my bra & an edible gummy falls out

googling “technical term for irrational fear of danny devito”

(sadly, with a bulbous tear rolling down my cheek) is somebody gonna match my freak

sorry i’m running late i’m in the sonic drive thru waiting for mozzarella sticks yes i know we have dinner plans

a five year gap in my résumé that just says “ennui”

me: (disgusted) god you’re sick (shares your post)

two girls one pup adoption agency