unfortunately I still have some unfinished business from my 2025 goals so I'm actually celebrating chinese new year instead this year

well, 2016 was a hard year, but we made it through. hopefully 2016 will be better.

Honestly prefer if we stayed in 2025, devil you know and all that

Happy new years from cheesecake.

2025 was arguably/probably the best year of my life, despite the last 4 months kind of sucking. So that just means it was the best year in a way where I've basically set myself up for 2026 to actually be the best year of my life. Gonna straight up cruise this year. Wohoflimpy.

OK HEAR ME OUT: PRETZEL DOUGH BEEF WELLINGTON WITH DIPPING MUSTARD

Happy 2026!!!

“Democrats say he may be exactly the kind of experienced leader their party needs.”

Outlook for the new year ...

Happy New Year!!

This is why they want us talking about day care scams.

sometimes I think about the episode of dirty jobs where they showed cows that had like portholes in their sides that you could open like a door and see the grass they’d eaten. i don’t remember why they had it. it’d be funny if they opened it one time and there was a little guy in there eating dinner

The fact that it’s insanely easy to just install does that close on their own and they didn’t think of that is so funny. It’s standard on taxis in Japan that are driven by people!

Please don’t threaten me

i don’t think i could name a better feeling than getting up to pee in the middle of the night and seeing that you still have 5hrs to sleep

Dear god please let it be an important senator

pedocon theory once again inescapably true

These people are so stupid lmao

I love it when I read a law and it’s just really clear that it was written by dickheads who don’t know anything and just love the sound of their own farts

Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter’s Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases https://theonion.com/desperate-kash-patel-asks-shooters-family-if-they-can-solve-any-other-cases/

on arc raider some dickhead was taking pot shots at me for like 10 minutes so i hid and waited for him and when he came around i jumped out and murked his ass. he got on the voice chat and called me a bitch. he was like 12 and absolutely screaming in his house. im 41. gaming is fucking back baby

One of the best to ever do it

I can read and digest a LOT of cringe, but this one finally did me in. Couldn’t get through the first paragraph

it's fucked that we're expected to take seriously all these guys who'd get kicked out of a clown car for being too goofy. who cares what an adult man who says Based thinks, he's stupid. he thinks George Soros stole the green M&M's sexy boots, and he thinks it a LOT. let's hear his immigration ideas

A lot of people expect more from Chappell Roan than they do from their own elected officials

USPS quietly changed its postmark rules — mail is no longer dated when you drop it off. The “official” date is when it hits automated sorting — sometimes days later Which could have major implications for mail in voting — it’s a clever way to disenfranchise voters that’s going largely overlooked

Thank god

The blankey enjoyer has logged on

I give you all permission to wish ill upon your enemies on this beautifully cold morning. The time for well wishing is officially over, you can be Mean again! Rejoice!

Every headline I see about data centers makes me feel like living within a 5 mile radius of these things is going to create a crop of people so incensed by how its interrupting their lives that they'll make Ted Kaczynski look like Wile E. Coyote.

I’m so sick of shipping companies dawg

If someone tried to invent LEDs today, Pacificorp would partner with the CIA to ice them in their bed, two self inflicted gunshots to the back of the head style

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

If someone tried to invent LEDs today, Pacificorp would partner with the CIA to ice them in their bed, two self inflicted gunshots to the back of the head style

It’s kinda crazy that we invented light bulbs that essentially never burn out, use basically no electricity, put off basically zero heat and no one really talks about it anymore

opened limited preorders for them!

Thanks for nothing, @time.com . @theonion.com

Cover my mouth? And get boogers all up in my elbow? Fat chance, hot shot...

When I write "we" in a math work the vibe is a council of bulb-headed greys on planet Hyperbion 11 that are talking to you through brain waves.

Special Christmas soup of the day: Poison

The power company sending me the payment reminder on Christmas is just so fucked

Stood my ground against Santa last night. He’s dead.

Of course, Trump's tariffs are a big topic this holiday season [Crowd boos] And the effects on the economy aren't just in the United States. It's affecting the North Pole. Even Santa's reindeer have picked up second jobs. I don't know what's worse, DoorDasher or Vixen's OnlyFans...