Thinking about a really serious awkward long silence in a medieval court where the jesters bell is just quietly jingling as he stands there and tries to stay quiet

Trying to look normal after saying “you too” to the waiter telling me to enjoy my meal.

please stop showing me ugly people on my timeline

I am tired of experiencing every single temperature throughout the day. I want one temperature.

If you're looking around the table and every other guy's a fox or a hen then you're the sack of grain

I feel I should alert Bluesky to the baby foxes in our yard

only the first computers used "zeroes and ones." newer computers are able to handle much larger numbers

Don’t forget to leave a review on the maps app today

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Zzzzzzz

After seeing this discourse, I have decided that monogamous people should not get STD testing. Nobody should get STD testing. I think everyone should get very, very sick and I think everyone should die.

We are coming dangerously close to “eating my lunch at 10:30 am”

Make Ooga get out bed. Ooga no happy. World cold. Ooga bed warm. Ooga dream weird.

More like bring me the Verizon

He spends all day yelling on ESPN, he’s reached terminal levels of delusion and insanity

Hades is a roguelike dating sim family drama fishing game set in the fictional fantasy world of Greece

One time I drove a bus to the library and I got off the bus and went into the library, and then I heard a librarian in the library say "Why is there a bus here?" That's what I drove to get to the library, jackass.

They only surveyed guys named Chad at Fortune 500 companies

Trump Slammed For Replacing Reflecting Pool’s Original Coconut Flavor With Blue Raspberry https://theonion.com/trump-slammed-for-replacing-reflecting-pools-original-coconut-flavor-with-blue-raspberry/

Me at the reception following the caterer with the bacon wrapped scallops around:

I don’t trust these polls bc when Biden entered the race he was polling at 1% or something. The way things are going we’re gonna end up with the onceler or something

𝗕𝗮𝗹𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲, 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘀𝗼𝗺𝗲 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝘆 𝗳𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝗠𝗮𝘁𝘁 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘃𝗼𝘁𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗵𝗶𝗺 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗗𝗲𝗹𝗲𝗴𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝗗𝗶𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗰𝘁 𝟰𝟭 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗝𝘂𝗻𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗠𝗮𝗿𝘆𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗿𝗶𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘆!

dusting off a classic

Just learned that saguaro cacti can grow to be like 70 feet tall what the fuck

What did he mean by this

The Milkwalker would chew this mf’er up

hi i'm calling on behalf of the make-a-wish foundation. we've got a really sick kid here and.. you would? thank you! yes. all you have to do is get a tattoo... a tattoo of what? well, i do have to warn you this kid is REALLY sick, mr platner..

spongebob

Copilk

When you want to know how someone will vote in Congress, look at their record. Ben McAdams was ranked one of the worst Democrats in Congress by Planned Parenthood. In Congress, you can be certain I'll vote to repeal the Hyde Amendment and codify Roe v Wade, because that's where I've always stood.

new copypasta just dropped

YOU PEOPLE ARE MORONS. how many FRIED RICE would a shrimp bring into an area? How many businesses would open up to CATER to the Shrimp and their fried rice? And that is the big deal These shrimp have to have FULL STAFFS to monitor the rice systems and ensure they are frying correctly.

This, but for those salted caramel Fairlife shakes

Man Directs Full Force Of Anecdote Toward Single Person After Rest Of Group Moves On To Different Topic https://theonion.com/man-directs-full-force-of-anecdote-toward-single-person-1826391190/

Our cool neighbors moved out and they’re redoing the carpet today and it’s just been banging on all surfaces for hours now 🫩

Oh wow, I guess you can’t even ask public servants for a favor now

Hogwarts Land Acknowledgement

Nobody thinks what I think

dog vomit stuns on living room rug