I feel like maybe 60 Minutes shouldn’t be interviewing mentally unwell drug addicts just because millions of people like watching him smash his face with hammers.

The US Republican party's creation of a safe space for pedophiles is an issue we don't discuss enough.

I think it was fine that Sonic kissed a human woman during that one videogame and I think he should do it more often!

“The only thing missing from these televised cabinet meetings is having his cabinet eat his actual shit off plates with silverware. And then tell him how delicious they think it is.” Frank Frankly

Fortune teller in 2010: "You vill side with the Catholic church when they call for the founder of Paypal to be punished for heresy." Me: "No way... which one?" Fortune teller: "Take your pick"

Lighting my cig on the burning carcass of Peter Thiel would fix me

the human body was not designed to know what the worst person in the world is doing every fifteen minutes

We are in a phase of American experience where we are unable to apply the hard-learned lessons of the past to any facet of our lives.

never tell the computer the truth it is a trickster and a liar and you need to match its energy

boy in retrospect, really shouldn’t have elected the worst person in the entire country president. that, it appears, was less than wise

Oi bruv no flights out innit

Back in my day we used to have to ask the computer nicely before disconnecting a USB stick

*2028, an E-7 flies a racetrack pattern somewhere East of Japan* Air warefare cmdr: "ok Grok, give me options for an OCA tasking to counter that PLAAF formation." Grok: "Here's Sydney Sweeney but naked. Heil Hitler, r*tard." Cmdr: "pls Grok our military is dying"

Sorry your health insurance costs so much more this year, we needed to make fancy airplanes for illiterate dog-murderers

We should be seeing and hearing less of Stephen Miller as there will be longer periods of daylight soon.

the reason people sometimes act madder at democrats than republicans when republicans do impossibly evil shit is the same reason why, if you hired an exterminator to handle a roach infestation and he showed up to feed and play with them instead, your first instinct wouldn’t be to yell at the roaches

I wish we never made "Influencers" a thing. Especially couples with 8 kids who sell contaminated milk. 🤮

Conservatives literally cannot comprehend anything but hierarchical leadership.

inventing a drink called The Susan Collins. to make it, you say "I'm very concerned about this" and then you serve gin and bleach to an 11th grader

Seven Democratic Senators voted to confirm Kristi Noem as DHS Secretary: Sen. John Fetterman (PA.)  Sen. Maggie Hassan (NH)  Sen. Tim Kaine (VA) Sen. Andy Kim (NJ)  Sen. Gary Peters (MI) Sen. Jeanne Shaheen (NH)  Sen. Elissa Slotkin (MI) All should face primaries.

And to be clear, everyone knew this is who she was and that she would have been confirmed without a single Democrat's vote. So what the absolute fuck was going through his mind voting for her?

Just staggered by the complete moral void of not even *pretending* to wait for more information before pivoting to “the opponent of the state deserved it.” It is so insanely depraved. Soulless.

The way the American government just lies to its citizens is insane. You could be at home sleeping and 5 masked thugs break into your bedroom and kill you in your sleep, and high ranking officials will go on TV and declare you're a terrorist and they acted in self defense

By who? Who shot the person dead? You saw the video. We all know a federal agent shot a man dead who was prone on the ground. Also, it's not "according to officials." It's according to verified video seen with your eyes. Not saying what anyone can obviously see with their eyes is a form of lying.

A quick glance at these two notifications legit triggered a trauma response #rva

So, ok this is awkward I know but, well I know X said he was gonna give it to you, but it’s not his. So I’m going to need you to give it back. I’m really sorry about this! But he didn’t ask first and, well look it’s a whole thing. Anyway, thanks for understanding.

this

The only booming segment in American manufacturing: the printing presses churning out Fell For It Again awards for tech investors.

Waiting for the ADL to praise Trump’s bold move to move swastikas off the list of hate symbols

You can't even call for executions anymore because of woke

has there ever been a lyric as beautiful and meaningful, as resonant with the human soul, as “work sucks / i know”

these assholes made a payment processing website or “invented” 2 day shipping or made Hot or Not 2 and so we gave them all our money and put them in charge of tech? make it make sense…these guys are “right place right time” and nothing more to it than that and now they have all our money

This is how he’s gonna go isnt it? He’s just gonna nod off on camera and then someone’s gonna try to wake him and it turns out he was dead for 15 minutes while rfk jr talked about how 5g causes ms or something

It's actually really creepy when you're shown your own text messages from 15 years ago and asked what you meant by one particular message and all you can say is "I have no clue, I was really into dabs back then"

"we ran an experiment to prove that the sky is actually fuchsia. however, 100 observations of the sky at midday showed it to be blue. these observations were not in line with our expectations and were thus discarded"

antifa invented a system of respirator filter color codes utilized by every industry in north america, the devious bastards

Welcome to America

I'm just going to assume that his response was a series of high-pitched cawing screeches as he crashed around seeking fresh flesh to feast on.

[person does shitty things] SAID PERSON: why is everyone saying I do shitty things

the guys draped in skulls and psychotic gun imagery would like to have a word with you about your glorification of violence

How do you sit on a plane and watch this garbage for hours?

murder should be between a man and another man who kills the first man for not being fascist enough