Whenever I leave the apartment, I say this: “Ava and Oliver, I am going *here* and will be home *around this time*. Please do not burn down the apartment or cause too much chaos in my absence. I love you both very much.” They don’t care. They just want treats after I come home.

free speech is when you're free to shut up and sit there while i give a speech

Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "you deserve to order one of those giant rectangular pizzas with like, 90 pepperonis on it, you should also get cheesy bread & don't forget dipping sauce which optimizes the pizza eating experience."

Ava played with a toy for 5 minutes. Now she needs a nap lmao

Yeah I’m not trusting a white man with a nazi tattoo under any circumstances. I don’t care when or where he got it. I’m a hard no on nazi tattoos.

You know what would also help her afford her husband's cancer treatments? UNIVERSAL FUCKING HEALTH CARE JESUS FUCKING CHRIST HOW IS THIS GODDAMN COUNTRY STILL LIKE THIS MAYBE GRANDMA SHOULDN"T HAVE TO DELIVER FOOD LIKE A TEENAGER IF WE HAD A DECENT FUCKING SOCIETY!!!!!!!!!!

This is Sadie. She was finally reunited with her human, astronaut Christina Koch, after her mom’s voyage around the moon took her the furthest any human has ever been from their dog. She can't wait to hear all about the universe. 14/10 (IG: astro_christina)

Mom was a journalist for much of her career. She would have handwritten notes of meetings and interviews in cursive. People would tell her “I can’t read this.” Her response was “I can and that’s what matters.”

Mark Ruffalo, Glenn Close, Ben Stiller, Jane Fonda, John Cusack, Kristen Stewart, JJ Abrams, Katie Phang, John Leguizamo, and over a thousand actors, writers, directors, journalists, producers, composers, and Hollywood executives have signed a letter against the Paramount-Warner Bros. merger: 🧵

you know what’s weird? i haven’t heard of a single incident of a cop “ODing” on fentanyl just by touching it since Trump got reelected. weird how it only seems to happen during democratic administrations!!!

I can’t stop laughing 🤣🤣

It’s profoundly ignorant to suggest that the Pope should be fighting crime on behalf of the Catholic Church. Anyone who was remotely familiar with Roman Catholicism would know that that’s what Daredevil is for

Being into cats feels so debasing. You give everything over to this animal — time, labor, money — but when you want them to sit next to you, they refuse and jump away. When they finally sit on your lap, you sit motionless to the point of physical pain, afraid to disturb them. Humiliating.

JD Vance going to go find solace in the arms of his couch.

looks like JD Vance really fucked the couch again huh

Dear GOP: Please send Vance out to campaign for your candidates in the midterms.

more seriously congrats to the hungarian people for kicking that asshole out

@ghostesq.bsky.social It is only April. It is only April. It is only April. It is only April. It is only April. It is only April…

“… But I’m still voting to confirm all his nominees.”

We have to close the strait in order to open it?

what does this even mean

Not only are we the baddies now, we're now the dumbest baddies in the history of baddies

i don't think that'll make the result any more precise, but sure

If you mock Appalachia for being full of meth heads and inbred people I will block you, I don’t need that kind of ignorance in my ambit. Also, JD Vance is not a hillbilly, this is not one true Scotsman biz, this is a fact, he’s from some fancy suburb in Ohio.

GLASS CEILING SHATTERED 👏 Marie-Louise Eta becomes the first woman appointed to take charge of a men's first team in Europe's top 5 leagues. She will coach Union Berlin for the rest of the Bundesliga campaign 🇩🇪

Sorry I can’t help clean up right now I’m actually super busy

Correct! You do not need an adversarial proceeding in court to come to a conclusion about something. People do it hundreds of times a day — including you my friend.

Got a whole Spirit Halloween in their closet

a criminal conviction isn’t required to say someone does not have the moral character to run for office and i don’t understand why this needs to be said over and over and over again.

The 'kin' of ‘napkin’ means "little." ‘Nap’ comes from ‘nape,' which means “tablecloth.” So a napkin is a little tablecloth. 10/10, no notes.

The thing about high profile men prone to sexual misconduct is that very few of them just did it the one time. All the people who are "just asking questions" could save themselves a lot of looking like a total ding dong by giving it 24 hours to see how many more people show up with complaints.

Leftists screamed bloody murder about VP Harris appearing with Liz Cheney, but have been conspicuously quiet about this.

I'm already seeing people insist that Dems shouldn't "Al Franken" Swalwell...Al Franken was a grown man who chose to be a creep. Perhaps if you want a political career the goal should be not to be a creep

Oliver thought it was a good idea to play attack a snoring Ava last night. He was sadly mistaken. I gave him a two-minute minor penalty for interference.

When you SWEAR you ordered bone-in wings but you get home and open the box and it’s just this

Sorry. That’s not gonna cut it. Oh the “criminal” allegations are false but all the other ones are “mistakes” you can’t tell us about? Nope. No. Born at night, but not last night.

Let it be known that Katherine Johnson was the reason for the first astronauts in space. And now Vanessa Wyche, head of the Johnson Space Center and NASA's highest ranking civil servant, is the responsible for the longest manned space flight in history

Everyone shoulda dressed up like apes to greet the astronauts. That woulda been hilarious. Huge missed opportunity IMO

The #Artemis II crew capsule Integrity’s side hatch is open and recovery crew are going in to assess the astronauts and (hopefully soon) pull them out

Years and years of "what is a woman" discourse only to settle on a definition that includes 15-year-olds.

I hate when fantasy films I made a long time ago begin to come true in real life.

Joe Kernen comes close to having a coronary on air as Pete Buttigieg dogwalks him all over the Squawk Box studio about Trump's economic mismanagement and inflation

Schools are like "hey lock up your cell phones they're too damaging to the learning process. now please open up your lying plagiarism machine and start generating content"

Remy the cat sees a duck for the first time 😂 TT: McKenna

The Masters, you mean Brochella?

I don't think it's a "problem" that there are fewer teen pregnancies. I think fewer teen pregnancies is a good thing, actually,

how much money does the marine corps lose