I love that Shaq retired and made all his friends get an MBA with him, in addition to getting his other graduate degrees. He was like we all gonna learn how to get the bag.

We finally finished that random spiral sliced ham I got and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get another one because everyone LOVED it.

Is there a better feeling than realizing you have all the ingredients for a phenomenal salad? (I say at 1:30am)

When I first graduated from law school, I was newly married and we had to make it from May to October with no income. So I started extreme couponing.

Baptizing my bread with a sprinkle of water like a good Presbyterian before popping it in the air fryer to crisp up like “in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit…”

I went to AYCE sushi for dinner I’m so full

I don’t know WHY my Whole Foods had a shitload of Mrs. Meyer hand soaps for $1.17 in the clearance section, but I wasn’t going to question it.

The bad: I had to go see my endodontist again today. The good: It’s next to a McDonald’s with the CRISPIEST Diet Coke I’ve ever had in my LIFE.

As a parent, no accolade, report card, or performance beats another parent coming to tell you how kind and sweet your child is to their child.

If I woke up with millions of dollars - much less billions - I would be busy AF giving it away.

We passed a budget last year that closed a projected deficit to keep a balanced budget through 2028.

My boys are all tall, but they don’t really notice it themselves. But then we went to Tiny’s recital tonight and Bigs sees him walk on stage (in the back row of course) and says “Good God, he really is the tallest kid.” 😂

This week I have: - Apologized on three calls for my corgis growling/barking in the background. - Sent two voice notes with my corgis clearly growling/barking in the background. - Apologize to the neighbors for Panda barking on the patio again.

Coconut water matcha 🤌🤌🤌

When I was meeting with my financial planner the other week he wanted to check in about my risk tolerance and see if that needed to be calibrated given my age, etc.

Tiny lost his second tooth. Like his first tooth, he casually pulled it out himself. However unlike the first time, instead of trading it to me for a dollar, he decided to put it under his pillow to see what happens. “If nothing happens you can give me the money. I want to see if it’s true.”

I just put in a Rancho Gordo order and I haven’t done that since the pandemic years so do with that info what you will as well.

If you mix up regular shredded mozzarella with a splash of heavy cream and leave it in the fridge for a few hours, it’s a good dupe for strachiatella/burrata guts so do with that what you will.

🎶girl dinner🎶

This summer is gonna be painful for folks.

He's the one Who likes all our pretty songs And he likes to sing along And he likes to shoot his gun But he knows not what it means Knows not what it means

Bigs and Smalls had a vocal concert today and I made them practice for me. Bigs: Has a very low voice and frankly sings completely monotone and does not want anyone to come or to be perceived. Smalls: Sings in full Vaudeville vibrato

I really wanna take my car to the car wash and that’s how I know it’s about to rain

Now that SNA has clear it’s virtually perfect as an airport.

Hey it’s your favorite raccoon in the coal mine with one of my periodic advisories.

@jurisdumbass.bsky.social BTS 보러가자

Being an elder millennial is tipping 20% on a to-go order because "that poor kid needs to pay rent." And then turning around giving 5-stars and 20% tip on a slightly uncomfortable Uber ride because "fuck that guy is 65 and needs to retire." Meanwhile paycheck gone IMMEDIATELY on pay day.

Sup bunny

This is like when your credit card that you have a $25k balance on gives you $3 cash back every month

My car dealership has a dedicated airport parking/shuttle situation for customers to use and they will keep your car and wash it/service it while you’re away, etc. The parking, shuttle, and car wash is free.

Oh this is so sad, I saw their reunion on social media. RIP and love to his family.

You can - and should! - reject relationships with people who actively choose their comfort over your DIScomfort. Read that again.

My “this is not a golden calf” shirt is raising a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

IG suggesting I follow someone who traumatized me as a child… *nervous laughter*

Okay, but hear me out: What if my nervous system is absolutely acting appropriately?

Shout out to my texties from keeping me from getting committed this week. 🫶

The perfect $5 dinner

I get gas every 5-6 weeks (thank you to my plug-in hybrid). I paid $61 on April 1st for the same amount of gas (around 11 gallons).

I was fat shamed today and I was literally so shocked I didn’t know how to respond.

Thursdays are historically my worst day of the week and this week it’s been compounded with a migraine and Teacher Appreciation Week obligations so I got a head start on the garbage/recycling and prepped dinner during my lunch break. Woosah.

I dislike work phone calls, but I'd rather be the caller than the one being called so there's something incredibly satisfying about having a jerb title that makes the client pick up the phone almost every time.

I think I just recreated the Del Taco chicken soft taco at home???

Vengeance is mine, $140 worth of groceries for $52 including four 12-packs of Diet Coke muahahahahaha.

I DONT NEED DAVE MATTHEWS RELATED EMO PAIN AT THE GROCERY STORE RN

Guess I should top off my gas…for the low low price of $6.89.

Guys parenting preteens/teens is wearing me TF out

Happy Cinco de Mayo it’s shrimp ceviche time!

I want a Costco hotdog so bad