polaroid sounds like a slur for antarcticans

MASTER, MASTER, WHERE'S THE LEGS THAT I'VE BEEN AFTER MASTER, MASTER, YOU PROMISED ONLY THIGHS

MASTER, MASTER, WHERE'S THE LEGS THAT I'VE BEEN AFTER MASTER, MASTER, YOU PROMISED ONLY THIGHS

there's an alternate universe where the first person to ever receive a nickname was a guy called richard, and we instead refer to them as "dicknames"

is nowhere safe from the scourge of big anime tiddies?? hearing reports that a cruise ship has been hit with a major outbreak of hentaivirus

listen, stop giving the kids shit for "67", i know every single one of you jaded millennial motherfuckers played "the game" (which we just lost btw) 67 is the same thing but instead of losing every time you hear it, you win

*vibrating with joy* cats gave themselves a job so well that it’s actually why they are pets

my son (4): "mama. when benny dies can we get a new pet? can we get a dog with a job? or a cat? can cats have jobs?"

I've kept my pinned post non-political just so people know what it's like around here during ordinary times, but I guess while the extraordinary times continue it's just gonna be more screaming into the void about it

It's almost like having shit tons of money doesn't make you more qualified to run everything?

I would be remiss not to point out that "Tricking Milli Vanilli into performing a concert for a dictator" is LITERALLY a storyline from the 1990s 'Super Mario Bros 3' cartoon 🙃

u should have to like win a hand of solitaire or something before ordering on door dash like when i put my dog’s treat in a kong ball

Hard to know when someone is hitchhiking or just being supportive

I’m adjusting my diet from good, healthy stuff (expensive, predictable) to unhealthy bits of filth & detritus that I find in the street (cheap, adventuresome).

"'single sign on'? we've already got that, the username and password are written on that sticky note by the coffee maker"

"'single sign on'? we've already got that, the username and password are written on that sticky note by the coffee maker"

at some point we're going to need to stop blaming the ai for writing bad code and trust that the human is perfectly capable of prompting it to write that function in a stupid way from the beginning

"italian seasoning"? i thought they had summer and winter and such like the rest of us

at some point we're going to need to stop blaming the ai for writing bad code and trust that the human is perfectly capable of prompting it to write that function in a stupid way from the beginning

"italian seasoning"? i thought they had summer and winter and such like the rest of us

I'm sorry one of my monkeys escaped and performed at your circus but I stand by my original comment

90% of discontinued foods are lasagna with bubblegum in it but every single discontinued Ben & Jerry’s flavor sounds like the most delicious thing anyone has ever thought of

Host: Let's play Wheel Of Ornithology! Me: Are there any jays? Host: No sorry Me: I'd like to buy an owl

A limousine pulls up at the clown convention and all 125,000 attendees climb out

pfft, yours might go to your coffin, but it turns out mine goes to this brand new RWD 500HP V8 mustang now, if anyone needs me, i'll be driving this bad boy home in this weirdly sudden and massive rain storm

Online and the real world used to be separate. Two parallel realities. Now, the barrier between realms is breaking down, and online is bleeding into the real world. People who were only ever meant to exist online are gaining power outside. Like matter and antimatter, the results will be explosive

Me: *eats a fruit and swallows its seeds* The seeds: hehe perfect Me: *poops in a toilet* The seeds: no wtf

an alternate universe where everything is the same except matthew mcconaughey’s catch phrase is “not bad not bad not bad.”

Revolutionizing the email industry by having a little voice say "you've got mail"

the fuck it will

I GET LOGGED OUT. BUT I LOG IN AGAIN

Inventing the air conditioner Make it a 100 fucking pounds. No, no center mass to it at all somehow. Throw some fuckin…accordion arms on it that flap out and catch on everything when you’re carrying it up from the basement. And let me get 50 razor blades on the back of it too.

patient: but doctor.. i AM pagliacci pagliacci (pretending to be a doctor to drum up business): you can just say you don't want to go to the show

listen, stop giving the kids shit for "67", i know every single one of you jaded millennial motherfuckers played "the game" (which we just lost btw) 67 is the same thing but instead of losing every time you hear it, you win

it's funny that today, Back to the Future is regarded as a nostalgic 80s movie, when it's actually a nostalgic 50s movie that was made for 30 somethings in the 80s

Dear Amazon, Thank you for your latest recommendations based on my recent browsing history however if you recall I successfully purchased the item in question and therefore respectfully decline the offer of a further 18,000 pairs of shoe laces. Regards.

if gen z social media managers had ran the 2008 presidential campaign: "obama means family, and family means no pre-existing condition gets left behind"

if gen z social media managers had ran the 2008 presidential campaign: "obama means family, and family means no pre-existing condition gets left behind"

"copy and paste something else" is truly the epitome of ai software degradation

every bit of reporting lately on Kash Patel is like "he has reportedly commissioned a custom FBI branded saddle for a miniature pony which he drunkenly rides around the office, according to 46 officials, 3 geese, and 2 dogs with knowledge of the matter"

every bit of reporting lately on Kash Patel is like "he has reportedly commissioned a custom FBI branded saddle for a miniature pony which he drunkenly rides around the office, according to 46 officials, 3 geese, and 2 dogs with knowledge of the matter"

is nowhere safe from the scourge of big anime tiddies?? hearing reports that a cruise ship has been hit with a major outbreak of hentaivirus

little known fact but if you simply run Microsoft War's "slmgr /rearm" command it will reset the 60 day congressional authorization timer (up to a total of three times)

little known fact but if you simply run Microsoft War's "slmgr /rearm" command it will reset the 60 day congressional authorization timer (up to a total of three times)

donald trump, the true leader of the american green party, is doing more for achieving climate goals than anyone in human history can any of your so called liberal leaders say they've successfully and masterfully reduced global oil consumption by 20 million barrels per day? i think not

I can’t stress enough that deciding a law is “no longer needed” is so far outside the realm of what any court should be doing

i don't prefer a world where it feels like the only available solution to problems is "waiting for people to die"

BREAKING: US Supreme Court sides with unseen force that steals one of your socks from every pair in landmark, precedent breaking ruling

Microsoft losing the plot to the extent that games running on Linux through a compatibility layer are now not only faster but *assumed to be faster* than games running natively on Windows should be an even bigger story than it already is