The neighbors won't stop trying to get the HOA involved because I painted "AWARD WINNING CHILI" on my window. They want proof or they want me to take it down. It's none of their business if the chili ever actually won an award or not

A man looks up from his video game, wearing star wars pajamas in a room full of toys. "Dunkaroos are back?" He asks "Wow! That will make me feel like a kid again!"

In my headcanon, batman is too busy to figure out what sex is and keeps meaning to look into it "soon"

Some guy at the space pad is mistakenly buckling me into an experimental space craft (again) when it is clear I was just in here trying to steal the copper wiring. Luckily I'm not smart enough to be scared

The neighbors won't stop trying to get the HOA involved because I painted "AWARD WINNING CHILI" on my window. They want proof or they want me to take it down. It's none of their business if the chili ever actually won an award or not

Disney may be an evil monopolistic company that only cares about expanding itself at any cost, but they're the only evil monopolistic company that rose to prominece by making cartoons so in that way I respect them

Don't miss out on this limited time item at Taco Bell

It's Friday! Time to eat!

travelling through space is cool except there isn't wifi for like 99.9% of it

He just now realized that Trump called his wife ugly

travelling through space is cool except there isn't wifi for like 99.9% of it

when the rock asks me "do you smell what the rock is cooking?" I do, and it smells amazing! He's a very good cook and I cherish the time we spend together

I started listening to this because I thought Dan was going to tell us about his outfits but it turns out it's about something just as interesting and now I listen every week

The year is 2032. I am being sent to the front lines on pod caster detail. I kiss my wife and tell her I love her and that I'll see her soon, even though we both know I won't. It's worth it though, the pod casters deserve it. They're precious to me

Some cower at their desk too afraid of the mods to post, but not me. I've memorized every rule and I know I won't get in trouble

I lost loads of respect for the insane clown posse when I found out they were self diagnosed

My teacher in 2nd grade asked me if I was a f*ggot because I wanted to use a purple crayon that had glitter in it

Are you s-s-sure you want to restart?? All unsaved data will be ..gulp.. lost!

Now that Pam Bondi is eliminating free speech in order to protect podcasters, we can't say stuff like the shooter was working in conjunction with Dracula, who was trying to save some wear and tear on his fangs

Got in the middle of a flame war where people were furiously debating whether Mickey Mouse was a cat or a dog

If you ever get so lonely that you're considering chatting with the Meta AI egg, remember that my DMs are open

Comment on an AI "nirvana" song that sounds terrible and includes the lyric "I still have some pain but it's over"

one day mankind will forget how to post and it will become a lost art. That is, until a hero awakens. The last poster returns... to post!

Casually whistling and looking at the wall behind the cashier who is very pointedly handing me my change above the tip jar

At the end of the press conference, he checked his novelty watch that reads only "it's miller time" and excused himself

Can't believe I have to wait two more days until I can go back to work

In the era the Flintstones lived, all sex toys were made out of rock and gravel. They sold very poorly, often remaining on store shelves for years

Nintendo is still mad no one bought the virtual boy so they're going to try again after taking no notes

I'm worried with the news cycle clogged up with stuff like Epstein's birthday book and Charlie Kirk, that the release of this beautiful 11 disc Huckleberry Hound blu-ray set is getting swept under the rug

911 was an inside jeorb

24 years ago our country had a terrible attack on our towers and on our pentagons. Even a Pennsylvania field wasn't safe. And now, today, we have to wait until tomorrow to air the Nintendo direct out of respect

Mr looney tunes, take down this post!

Now this 9/11 is just going to feel different

Well it seems like Charlie Kirk really stepped on a banana peel this time

I think employees should have to clock out to use the bathroom or bring their work with them (this includes food service)

Uh, silk song? Yeah... I love it! One of the greatest songs of our generation. I can see why it's so popular

Hello, please watch this cartoon. Also, smash that like button youtu.be/ksRQduDvnws?...

It's Friday! Time to eat!

Being dramatic again and throwing myself onto the train tracks because the recognition I received, while great, could have been greater

Should I keep going to the buffet that gives me diarrhea? If I get one more punch on my card I can get a free buffet, but that means I'll be having diarrhea at least two more times

Right now I'm Being Teen

Everyone always hated the dreaded "brand x" but I always preferred it over the leading brands, even in a blind taste test

Thinking about dinosaurs as my boss once again reprimands me about something

And yet here in the United "states" we let the daffy duck movie get mistreated (only movie I bothered to see in theaters this year btw)

This is the kind of smut in your children's libraries!!

I love my motorcycle and I love the noises it makes. It's a great feeling sitting on a loud hog, feeding it gasoline and giving it affectionite kisses

My dream cross over? So glad you asked. I'd love to see young Sheldon meet regular Sheldon. The things they could teach each other....

President Donald Jay Trump has been photographed alive and well!!!!!

It's your first day on the job as st Peter and this thing slithers up to your pearly gates, wyd?