I'm afraid all the "not guilty" verdicts being issued in regards to sandwich related crimes has got Jared Fogle's legal team scrambling

I turned on the shower this morning and nothing but blood came out! It's gonna be one of THOSE kind of days...

I keep my heat at 69° F during the winter. It's not the warmest but it's a sex number and it gives me something to think about

Andrew Cuomo has just been detained by animal control and will be destroyed by 12:00 A.M. EST

national toxx clause

RIP to THIS hog

When I got to talk to my hero

I had a dream last night where hulk hogan came to me. He said "Don't worry about me brother, though I am in intense agony in hell. I guess a lot of stuff I did was wrong" Then Satan showed up with his pitchfork and poked Hogan in the butt while apologizing to me for letting him out. Pretty zany!

The sun begins to set, a wolf says something in the distance (a howl?) your digital calendar blinks the date you've been dreading... Ding's patented Scary Posts™ (formally spooky tweets) starts soon...

This is a fossil recreation of what was called a "Mac Donald's Hamburger Restaurant"

As usual people thought I was dressed up for Halloween as "sexy hunk", "muscled up super athlete" or "Greek God Zeus" but hey folks, I'm just trying to do my grocery shopping! I'm not wearing a costume!!!!

I was about to do something really important and meaningful but now that I'm just going to get vaporized in a nuclear holocaust it doesn't seem worth the effort

Doctor: You need to cut down on sweet things Me (dings): does that mean I can't see you anymore? ;)

This is a separate news story, but my trailer stuffed full of diseased monkeys has also been breached and life on this planet will forever be changed, I guess

Drawing a happy family playing together with no tear gas canisters being exploded into their faces onto a large rock face as an ICE van speeds hungrily towards it

The amount of times I've been out driving and turned my head to gaze at a beer billboard only to glance back at the road seconds before smashing into and causing significant structural damage to a historic brick building (no one cared that I was ok) is now one

The last time an American reached the top of the Billboard charts was in 1993 with the release of “I’m The Baby (Gotta Love Me),” which spent 572 weeks at #1 before being banned by Clear Channel in the wake of the Iraq War.

Wetting myself as the army of people dancing in rainbow dragon pajamas advances on me. I aim my only shot in the face of a protestor one foot away that seems to be standing around doing nothing. Bull's-eye 😏 The pee in my pants is warm

I lower my manga as the jocks head over. the biggest grabs my smart glasses and smashes them. "Those are prescription!" I say in japanese

Defeating Elon's robot army by allowing it do the stuff it was built to do and watching it break and fall apart

In the olden days, people hated fieldwork more than anything. That's why they gave the devil a pitchfork and death a scythe. Nothing scarier back in those days

just got back from job interview. only clean shirt i had was my ironic nazi shirt. in case he didn't get it was ironic i wore a cape too

to send an unsolicited dick pic 100 years ago youd hire a painter to craft the image & a thief to dispense it stealthily in the maidens home

we deserve a groverwhitehaus

For the last 15 years or so I posted a series of "spooky tweets" on x the everything app when it was called twitter on Halloween night. I'm going to post some highlights here in the replies all leading up to another night of fright!!!

how does one do the monster mash? there's no instructions in the song and i can't find any good videos

When trump sees the video I made (practical effects, no AI) of me flying a plane dropping diarrhea onto a computer playing his plane diarrhea video he's going to have a meltdown

My 2 star review for 2024's blockbuster dud "Dead pool and wolverine"

I just got back from France (terrible wine) and let's just say The Louve was certainly the "jewel" of my trip... ;)

Vaguely conspiracy theory sounding text from my coworker, can't decide which auto reply is more appropriate

Me answering the door to Michael Jordan in the year 2010: I'm not too familiar with your basketball playing, but any friend of Bugs Bunny is a friend of mine. Before you come in though, could you do something about the Hitler mustache? I'm not sure how that'd go over with the other guests

Nothing has entertained me in a long time like seeing Cuomo lose so humiliatingly over and over

Robotnik appeared out of the lava. How could he have created a craft that could withstand such temperatures? Sonic jumps but miscalculated the distance & falls into a pit! He begins to scream but suddenly he's at the beginning of the Zone. - Sonic 2 novelization

Hey, @osullyville.bsky.social how faithfully did Ralph bakshi portray the mafia in 1975's animated classic "Coonskin"? Did many crime bosses have minion clowns?

I'm beginning to think the wallet inspector is a fraud. In his last inspection, he missed numerous infractions but still took his fee. With that out of the way, what he lacks in inspection skills he makes up for in pummeling me in the stomach skills

Purchasing a sledge hammer because if there's one thing that needs to be hammered, it's sledge

If ac/dc is going to make claims about having big balls and even going as far as writing a song about it, they should have provided verifiable proof. Like a note from a doctor

Went bike shopping, accidentally bought a "bite"cycle instead!!! Friends, let me tell you, you don't want to sit on one of those!!!! This really happened

Archival clip of Haley Joel Osment: I see dead people! Commercial pitchman: and you'll see dead people too at Ray's Family Funeral Service. Very competitive rates, extraordinary service and some say we have a... "Sixth sense" for savings

This guy on Reddit complaining about how young people are all losers because no one would hold his drink for him so he could tie his shoe

Wasting my Sunday driving out to some dilapidated farm that seems to only grow and sell pumpkins because that's the only place you can find a good hay ride these days

ATTENTION

YouTube Kids is awesome. It's full of videos of depressed adults playing with paw patrol toys doing the worst voice impressions imaginable and every video has over a billion views

No

Anyone else getting scared about Halloween happening again?

That guy who always knocks the papers out of my hands and then kicks me when I'm picking them up's wife is in the hospital again. I hope she gets better

Arnold thank you for accepting this part, we here at the studio think you're a wonderful actor. The role? You'll be playing a robot who says three words

I just got back from being in one of those Chinese sperm factories that Jordan B Peterson was concerned about. It's really not that bad. You pretty much just cum all day

The path to finding Amelia Earnhardt is the path to true freedom!! Join me, fellow patriots, in sorting through your pockets and overturning your couch cushions to find clues and fingerprints that will solve this mystery!!!

Fret not ma'am, I may have just expelled my human waste in this porcelain bowl that is sitting inside the home, but with just a flip of this handle and poof... its gone! No, its not magic