Shots coming from every angle, secret service is building the ballroom around The Prez as quickly as possible! Will they make it in time??? We wish them the best!

Also, some other guy was shot

I just heard someone bragging about running a 10k. I dunno why they're so proud of that. I used to run a 56k and that thing was slow as heck!!!

À bout de souffle (breathless) - 1960 dings.beehiiv.com/p/bout-de-so...

Revolutionizing the email industry by having a little voice say "you've got mail"

Mel Gibson Searches For New Racial Slur dings.beehiiv.com/p/mel-gibson...

I thought of some more favorites

Q: What kind of cookies do birds like? A: Chocolate chirp

I have once again angered the townspeople who think a fair retaliation to tossing one single child into the lake is a violent confrontation at the windmill. They may defeat me, but for a time they won't be able to use the wind to grind grain into flour!

The Lego Movie (2014) dings.beehiiv.com/p/the-lego-m...

It's still wild to me that they made a movie about Michael Jackson and didn't include any pedophile stuff. That'd be like if they made a movie about Prince and didn't include any music stuff

It's Impossible To Drive Into The Brick Wall And Not Explode dings.beehiiv.com/p/it-s-impos...

Excellent news for fans of the Mister Pig Mysteries

Democrats smashing "NOT INTERESTED" every time the algorithm shows them another Mamdani success news story

Accidentally let it slip that I had a flash animation featured on the front page of Newgrounds in 2005 and every single woman at the club won't leave me alone. They keep asking me what flash animation is and what newgrounds is while their boyfriends pummel me

I'm finally having "the vaping conversation" with my kids. (They're teaching me how to vape) (I was putting the wrong end in my mouth)

(56k no)

Kash Patel told me he's going to "FBI arrest me" (?) if I only have light beers again the next time I invite him over. Then he started saying the phrase "stealth helicopter" over and over again while taking the beers out of my fridge and stuffing them in his jacket

According to that angry guy on TV who wants us to stop asking questions about the Iran war, aliens are real

Have you been keeping up with my amazing website? I update all the time, like with this review of 2014's TMNT movie where I humorously quip they look more like "turd"les... Read this and more at dings' world of pain dings.beehiiv.com/p/review-tee...

I haven't had time to read what complaints people have about the new star fox game yet but I'm going to play it and that guy that punches me in the stomach for talking about Nintendo games all the time will punch me in the stomach when I tell him

I remember reading about Ted Turner a few years ago and was surprised he was still alive. He's dead now, though

World Famous Skateboarding Cow Satisfies Group At BBQ

I'm excited to tell you that my new website, Dings' World Of Pain, is officially open! It has movie reviews, celeb gossip and some of the purest content you've ever seen. It'll make you feel like it's 2011 and the internet hasn't pivoted to video yet dings.beehiiv.com

When the paramedics tried to lift his greasy body to put him on the gurney, he comically slipped off and went sliding down a hill so fast they had to use the ambulance to catch him

Gen Z has rediscovered the X-files & is realizing how dystopian the America of today is compared to the 90s "Watching The X-Files... has solidified my belief that I would never have a three way bubble bath phone call with my boss and my coworker. Also, I wish I could call my boss 'Skinman'"

Gen Z has rediscovered the Flintstones & is realizing how dystopian the America of today is compared to 2 million years ago "Watching The Flintstones... has solidified my belief that I would have likely been happier working in a quarry as a brontosaurus operator."

Just a reminder in case anyone forgot, my DMs are open in case anyone needs to talk to someone about Daffy Duck

Horrible wreckage: An insider's scoop on what went wrong on Baby Pilot's inaugural flight

I think it was good for my brain to help make stuff like this for something awful when I was in high school

BREAKING: Kash Patel using all the resources from the FBI to find "not me" from the Family Circus to testify on his behalf

A ticket for this movie blew to my feet as I was peacefully strutting by the theater, so I watched this wretched thing

You can play a fun game on this website: click on a news article someone has posted. No matter how good the news is, if there are a lot of replies, there will be some psycho posting a paragraph about how it's actually really bad

It’s a living

My accomplishments will never be forgotten. My accomplishments will never be overshadowed.

#UnblockDings <- let's get this trending!!!

if i lived in popeye town and one day i saw a ropy little sailor punch a huge guy so hard his skeleton flew out of his mouth thats the only thing i would talk about for the rest of my life

I thought 4/20 would be the perfect day to try and sell some cd-rs of my raps at the skate shop (thought those freaks would be loosened up from all the drugs) instead, they're making me perform it live while they land kick flips on my swimsuit area

Who knows what day it is??

Pros and cons of parenthood: pro - you can watch sesame Street pretty much whenever Con - sometimes your child will interrupt your enjoyment of the muppets and their antics

15 more minutes until dings eats a pizza (lunch edition)

I love buying little plastic things and bringing them into my home. Whenever I see them, I say "Hello little plastic things!"

Nothing brings a husband and a wife closer than a husband sharing with his beloved wife a joke he heard in the men's room while sharing a shower with a trucker during his 45 minute break

I'm getting word from one of my contacts in Washington D.C. (JD Vance) that a very high ranking member of the executive branch of the US government (possibly of highest command) has been flattened into an accordion folded pancake shape by a steamroller

A Dings Saga

This was the day after they invented circumcisions and Fred was obsessed with the idea

Imagine if the guy who has the miniature wife also had Marmaduke. That tiny wife would be sat on and eaten so many times we'd have to pray to God for an unspeakable tragedy just so we could stop laughing

Notifying all my friends and acquaintances that I'm on the Meta AI app now so that a single orderly line can form at my door to pummel me relentlessly in my stomach

This summer's movie "Michael" is already shattering records, as Guinness has announced it's the biggest budget movie about a pedophile since 2004's "The Woodsman"!