Watching a 90s Christmas commercial compilation and getting an adrenaline rush when the m&m's "They Do Exist" spot comes on

joining the great machine consciousness

The Democrats have released 18 more photos of Epstein's private refrigerator, giving more insight into the psych of the disgraced financer

A scare Crow's purpose is to keep away, or "scare away" crows. None know how this works and few are brave enough to ask. Better just to leave it alone, I say

I don't like watching the snowman die or watching the child cry over his dead snowman friend. I prefer "Yogi's First Christmas" which itself isn't very good

I love when a picture of a horrible goblin appears on my timeline AND I have the opportunity to read a whole article featuring their wretched thoughts!

I hate when God's Meatloaf Special is out of stock

Learning lots of interesting stuff from this sign

I just caught the Grinch trying to steal all my stuff. I gave him a round house kick and hip tossed him into the trash can. As he lay there motionless, I beat my blumbloopa and whamed my whowonka right in his dumb Grinch face

What song are they singing

Walt Disney Land and Walt Disney World will never hold a candle to Super Mario Land and Super Mario World

Fandango is wanting me to brag about going to see these two movies this year, and only these two movies. Perfect Blue and the Daffy Duck movie

Another scheduled rocket demolition by Master Musk. Congrats to him!

Moving out of the states and then traveling back so some loser can get the joy of reading five years of my posts

It's Christmas Eve and the wolfman is battling a horde of draculas right in front of you, blocking the road... you glance at your watch and gasp in horror... It's almost 4:20! and you left your bong at home!!!!

It's my car's birthday so I'm putting a little frosting in with the gasoline

Come on down to Pete's Computer Warehouse! We've got disks so floppy you practically have to pour them into the disk drive. You'll be up all night scooping them out with a fork (don't forget to unplug!)

FBI Deputy Director Dan Bongino, in close communication with Steve Crackpipe, have announced the findings of their investigation that has had investigators stumped for half a decade

Charlie Brown and Lucy have grown up. Lucy suggests they have sex. Just before Charlie Brown puts his dick in, lucy pulls her pussy away. Charlie Brown falls on floor

I was the "class clown" when I was a kid, but looking back I wish I had quietly learned like all the other children because I'm incredibly stupid now and no one's laughing

Tip for first time parents:

This is by far the coolest spam email I've ever gotten. What does it mean??

Singing to myself as I skip to work: 🎶 Daddy would you like some sausage? Daddy would you like some sausages? 🎶

All I can say is I'm glad Pete Hegseth wasn't in charge of the recovery efforts of the Titanic, am I right folks???

McDonald's sells hamburgers. It's what they're known for. They sell lots of them. You can't get a hamburger when they are serving their breakfast menus. "Not enough demand" corporate says. If it's after breakfast you can return to buying hamburgers like normal

ATTN: FOLLOWERS Just because it's "giving Tuesday", it doesn't mean I have to give a crap!!

Now that it's Dec. 1st, I can finally pull out this CD that has my absolute favorite reading of "twas a night before Christmas" on it

I have finally solved the doom house mystique

Me: ok I just want a sofritas burrito like I've ordered a hundred times. You can check my order history AI assistant in the Chipotle app: If you keep ordering those burritos, I'm going to have to start recommending a heavier rope

List of every animal: dog cat buzzard tree bear wolf zebra bat giraffe aardvark sloth lizard Did I miss any?

Finally cracking open an unreleased version of "To Kill A Mockingbird". In this early undated manuscript, it focuses more on the mockingbird, and how to kill it

Deal of the century

Today and today only, for a special black Friday deal, I'm making it 100% free to follow me and like my posts

My family went no contact with me this year (tired of listening to me talk about Daffy Duck) So I finally was able to see Franklin though to the end this year!

BREAKING:

"a gobble gobble goo and a gobble gobble gee" -Adam Sandler "Thanksgiving Song"

Shopping exclusively at local shops this year so you know what that means! The children will be unwrapping a myriad of artisanal soaps, vintage clothing and bad renderings of local landmarks. Ho ho ho!

Thanksgiving is the super bowl of pie thievery

Reminder that if you are dedicated you can easily find a pie cooling on a window sill during the next 24 hours

A quick recap of the last few seasons of stranger things to catch you up: a celebrity's child joined the cast, a Kate Bush song is played a lot, I think a character with red hair died, and a guy played a guitar solo

I need the computer to think for me

Trying to get my horse to jump over this pile of dead horses but it seems hesitant

My dance partner didn't show up to the competition (or any of the rehearsals?) so it was up to me to dazzle the judges by myself, which sadly I didn't do

I drove by a house today that had a giant "newsom 2028" banner in their yard. After a loud impulsive groan, I stopped and tent fumigated the house

I was peddling my Razor RipRider 360 tricycle around the neighborhood as the self appointed "neighborhood watchman" until I came upon a group of ruffian teens who dumped me in a ravine. As soon as my bones heal I'll be issuing them a citation!

Collectors are pricing me out of the Oswald fandom

Time will be the final judge, but I have my doubts that "Walt Disney Proudly Presents: Tron ARES An Original Motion Picture Soundtrack" will stand on equal footing with "The Downward Spiral" and "The Fragile" in the NIN discography

🚨 SCOOP: Senate Democratic Leader Chuck Schumer will be leading a motorcade of democratic senators to the White House where he, or one of his goons, will hurl a brick straight at the front door for retaliation for the President's promise of murder

The first vice president in HISTORY to find a full tuxedo in a cracker jack box! Congrats to you sir!

15 minutes until dings eats a pizza