Jeff Bezos received a quarter of a million from his parents in 1995 to start his online bookstore idea.

How does a dr go from telling you you're going to die from an ectopic pregnancy, to "we need to do another sono in a few days? #ithoughtiwasgoingtodie

Man was looking for roger

So the shooter yesterday was looking to shoot up the NFL

Actually your email finds me eating spaghetti out of a ziplock bag in my lap while I tailgate an 18 wheeler

Running into an old friend at the fancy grocery store about an hour from home when he is also an hour from home in the opposite direction feels like a special kind of coincidence.

An anesthesiologist accused of trying to kill his wife on a popular Hawaii hiking trail previously accused her of having an affair, which led to “extreme jealousy,” according to a temporary restraining order petition filed by his wife.

I am officially an adult. I had to clean someone’s vomit out of my carpet for the first time.

someone should pay me a bunch of money to write in a weird building somewhere for a month

How to get a copy of your birth certificate for REAL ID or for a passport application: www.frommers.com/tips/entry-r...

It's come to my attention that some people believe you can't buy a new book until you've read the books you already have. Let me assure you, as both a lawyer and a writer, that this idea is legally and morally WRONG and BAD. Buy more books.

Just emptied a yoghurt on to a digestive biscuit and added a few grapes, like some kind of Misery Cheesecake. Was really nice.

Once again I decided not to buy more wine, because these days I drink too much wine when I have wine, and also I make terrible food choices when I drink too much wine, and now I am just sitting here with my feelings & my clear-eyed perception of reality, wondering why I don't have wine.

Some woman on hinge liked me and she was cute then I read her bio. “I love Jesus and hate Mexican food.” Absolutely not. What sort of soulless jezebel hates tacos?

Having meatloaf for breakfast. BECOME UNGOVERNABLE, EMBRACE CHAOS

wanted to die but then i had a sandwich with a cup of soup

Feeling like Gwyneth Paltrow at the beginning of Contagion after going out to dinner the other night so if I die just know the hummus was good

I need to eat something but am feeling resentful of the responsibility to meet my own basic needs.

I get why eggs are so expensive but why are tf have chips gotten so damn pricey? You want $6.29 for some goddamn seasoned corn triangles?? Is it corn flu going around?

Somehow I can drink coffee every morning without spilling it all over myself, but the second I put on a white shirt? Game over

Tres leches cake is so good bro this shit wet as fuck

I don't need a personal trainer. What I DO need is someone to follow me around and slap the food out of my hand.

tired of grocery shopping, what we need is food that can hire its own replacement

Peter Falk is brilliant.

Sometimes you just need to consume a potato in some form and tonight it was tater tots 😋🥔

Me before coffee: judgemental and sarcastic Me after coffee: judgemental and sarcastic but more alert

Consistently amazed at the sheer volume of food one needs to consume if eating a nutritionally balanced diet, as opposed to, say, half a peanut butter sandwich five times a day.

Telling the waitress “I don’t give out my personal information” when she asks if I have been to the restaurant before or if I have any allergies

Due to current events, 1 scotch, 1 bourbon & 1 beer has been revised to- drink till you see dancing unicorns then take tw…. Four gummies

Ate some scrambled eggs today like a goddamned millionaire.

Nothing ruins my day like getting the watery mustard pre-cum on the sandwich I'm making.

Now 11 days into a low carb detox and I'm having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini.

I like the moment when you start the second half of your sandwich. Sandwich good. Sandwich not gone! More sandwich.

Don’t invite me to the function unless this is the vibe

Sure sex is great but did you ever sit & drink 3 cups of coffee alone in your kitchen, then drink 6 more cups cause nobody was there to coffee shame you?

Thinkin’ about quitting my job and learning how to make pizza.

tinder date complaining she can't see my face waitress complaining she can't hear my order I remain unfazed in my comfy giraffeneck sweater

Shredded lettuce on a sandwich is VASTLY superior to regular lettuce and I will not be taking questions at this time.

when i got my job making the menus for an indian restaurant they made me sign a naan disclosure agreement

I worry that you’re all not eating enough ice cream sandwiches

[speed date] HER: hi i’m- ME: if a fish had sex with a duck would the baby be called a dish or a fuck HER: what ME: dish or fuck hurry please

If it's called a sleeve of crackers, I just ate a sweater.

The visual of Serena Williams fine as ever and glowing while Crip walking will live in my head rent free forever. It’s really getting me through. Cuz the misogynoir she has had to deal with for so long… whew.

“Cocaine is illegal because it is made in Latin America, not because it is worse than whisky,” the president said