shut the fuck up RB

Scene: I buy pants online, choosing the waist size based on pants I own and also the MOTHER-EFFING TAPE MEASURE. Not vibes. Science. Pants arrive, in that waist size. One is too big. One is too small. I give up.

lmaooooo why are you all so fucking weird

Slogan is a little wordy for my taste. Get your banner game right, outlaws

GASP I love it

Real question (I'm trying to ignore the 250 debacle as much as I can): did Trump make an appearance at his fair at all? On any of the days?

Very appropriate mixmoji

A lot of facts about celebrities I have learned against my will, such as that Ed Begley Jr reportedly has a huge wang. Good for you, Ed, I guess! Go (carefully) sit over there with Jon Hamm and Nick Foles

My cat Bug scratched the shit out of my arm and it was completely my fault for having bad vibes during an attempted nail trim

This meeting is dull as usual but it was exciting to hear a prominent researcher harshly shit-talk a HIGHLY cited clinical trial

Waiting for the Supreme Court to tell us what scraps of the Constitution we get to keep is such a degrading ritual

Arc de Temu

As a former expat I am pleased to see the Gulf States' continued commitment to Ugly Stuff

*a family of moles enters Chuck-E-Cheese* oh my god. what the fuck. whaaaat the fuck

The great American state fair being stupid Trump bullshit does legit make me sad, if I’m being honest. A lot of the 250 stuff does. This could have been a really cool and special thing and literally any normal president would have pulled it off.

In our house we only have AC in the upstairs (bedrooms). With brick bungalows you have to decide the tradeoff for downstairs: suffer the gloomy anhedonia of closed blinds and let the brick do its job? Or open, for the plants and the endorphins, but feel the horrible heat?

Pringles are not that great but you have to bring them to the beach, that's the rule

That's clomipramine. I was not in the 5%.

The procedure notes always say "introduced through the anus." "So, Colon, Scope...how do you two know each other?" "Oh, we both know Anus!"

Not sure why none of you told me about The Chair Company but I am having a very good evening with it

Today I am plagued by violent, no-warning sneezes.

First workday song youtu.be/WNt3KUMOW7o?...

Thank you to the people who clean! I live in a city. If something is not disgusting it's probably because someone cleaned it. Yay for cleaning! Pay the cleaners all the moneys

Me to the moon: hey baby

Unless you change it, Outlook/Teams reminds you of a meeting 15 minutes before it starts. One of my direct reports always logs on at that time. I am content to let them sit there until the actual meeting time---but I always wonder if they are sitting there steaming about my "lateness."

First workday song: youtu.be/pCS9KXsnuas?...

Not to make it weird (and I am in no way commenting on economic policy because I am wholly ignorant), but I always thought Alan Greenspan was sort of hot. May his memory be a sexy blessing

National anthem winner: Egypt. Sorry Kiwis, yours is too sleepy, not enough stirring martial dotted eighth notes

The "making biscuits" thing for cats bothers me because you roll out biscuits, you don't knead them, but I try to just keep my mouth shut on that one. (Except for now.)

When I was a kid and briefly into stamps, most of the stamps in my stamp collection were from Uruguay and I never really thought to question that until now. Where did I get them? Anyway, go Uruguay!

Let’s take a look at how Apple’s auto captioning is working on Elmo

Do you want your dirty deeds done dirt cheap, or do you want them done right? You call me when you're ready to get serious

It's cool that some people felt invigorated by the Obama show; I'm kind of envious. I think I am too politically shriveled for that kind of hope and now I only respond to poetry or Molotov cocktails.

Hey, algorithm ad for cat DNA test? Why would I get a cat DNA test. It's going to come back: CAT. Ad, you so crazy

No matter how happy or nice a day I have I will always experience a (mostly internal) emotional crashout before bed. It's almost part of the routine at this point

crap damn

I was getting mad in my brain at the visuals in a historical thing, "pffft there weren't any one-shoulder gowns in the 1950s" but then the fashion history internet shut my brain up real fast

Alternate universe where William Faulkner doesn't exist and you know what, it makes very little difference to literature at all really

The rent for my son's apartment went up by 5% and honestly I'm so relieved for him (still fits his budget and he is in a good location). By all accounts it is bad out there for renters.

First workday song youtu.be/z3hyhYiU6IY?...

Time for one of these

One of my cats is addicted to stealing these rubber finger puppet monsters from my office shelf and chewing off (not eating) their hands. It's King Leopold in the Congo every day over here

Why don't they make it so you exit the fasting blood test lab directly into a doughnut shop

[sing my patriotic country song with me] I'm indifferent about kink at Pride But there had better be kink at the Fourth of July

OH at the zoo (camp kids chatting while eating their lunches): "Oh, I've had diarrhea a BUNCH of times."

Power outage and everything came back on except my fridge and breakers did nothing and I fretted, picturing the appliance replacement/repair hassle, but then we muscled it out, pulled the plug, waited, plugged, and FUCK YEAH REFRIGERATION

Went to the zoo yesterday and it was stupid hot but I visited some favorite friends: the turkey vultures; the crested guinea fowl; Alanis, the amputee meerkat; and the very fat dwarf crocodile.

First workday song boardsofcanada.bandcamp.com/track/come-t...

lol and me with early dinner reservations

Oh baby I'll give you a lot more than