anyone else need a necklace with a button to push for being in an "i've fallen and can't get up" mental space?

Hillary: Was Donald as good as Monica? Bill: Close but no cigar.

Cracker Barrel is just Waffle House for people who can’t throw a chair or a decent punch.

I found radioactive shrimp tails in my nuclear toast crunch 🤢

What did you have for lunch Friday while the U.S. was feeding our enemy, a murderous dictator, Filet Mignon with Brandy Peppercorn Sauce? I had a hot dog.

The obvious reason for building a nuclear reactor on the moon is the low-gravity fission potential of atomic distraction from the Epstein List.

Fired my accountant because I didn’t like last month’s balance sheet.

*logging on* wow, everything’s worse now

Somebody at work mentioned how bad the wildfire smoke was this weekend, "it was soooo hazy" and now my chronically online ass is ready to rap about Patrick swayze

There are Venmo people and there are Zelle people and I've committed fraud against both

some of my google searches are so impossibly stupid i do them in incognito mode

Great news: The US Bureau of Labor Statistics just announced 0% unemployment with 10,000% average wage growth & 200,000,000 new jobs added so far in August.

Dad, what’s an example of irony? Well, the Presidential Fitness Test was just reinstated by a president who isn’t fit or fit to be president.

Happy 249th Birthday America. You don’t look a day over 1938 Germany.

Here’s an idea: instead of inhaling 76 hot dogs in 10 minutes how about slowly enjoying one per day until September 18th?

Per his aides, President Trump has perades. Thots & preyers.

It’s Father’s Day. Pull out all the stops for the guy who didn’t pull out.

It’s fine- my car loves its little curb snacks.

Actually, I can't Google that for you

Friday coffee hits like a rave in my mouth.

I was born in the US to immigrants who were not citizens at the time of my birth, so I’m just waiting to be rounded up for the gulag any day now

The ghost crab enclosure is not haunted. It's creepy af but probably not haunted.

Cheese is like a wig for your cracker.

1) Announce that I’m going to shoot myself in the foot for no reason 2) Friends panic & try to convince me not to do it 3) Doctors warn I’ll be crippled long term 4) Everyone thinks I’m reckless & insane 5) Pause the shooting 90 days 6) Declare myself an expert in podiatry

No spoilers please. I can’t wait to see what drama happens next on White POTUS.

The only thing I have in common with super rich ppl is the desire to shoot myself into space

Being nervous all the time is my primary form of cardio

Me: “Hey everyone, first round is on me!” Priest: “Sir, this is communion.”

I used to think the biggest crime was to be boring so at least 2025 has taught me that I can be super wrong and stupid

Car buyer: Cargo space? Me, Internet-pilled and brain rotted: No, car no go space. You're thinking of Katy Perry

Kinda glad we eat clams. Why are they happier than me

My tv is six feet off the floor so if that girl from The Ring ever comes for me she will fall out of it and break her neck

Why do smoke detectors only run out of battery in the middle of the night?

I promise to never be thrilled to announce anything on linkedin

HHS is recommending needles in your holiday candy this year. RFK Jr says "it's good for your little brats actually"

Sorry I didn't text you back. My hands were cold so I was sittin' on 'em

I wish I had the confidence of this man calling himself “Mr Beast”

I remember when I was 6 my grandpa took the batteries out of my gameboy because I was “reliant on technology” Well well well, guess who’s on life support while I need to charge my phone?

I was really high and I thought Stephen Hawking was trying to talk to me from the afterlife but it was just my air fryer and microwave beeping at the same time

Just ate an avocado and I feel so powerful now

Me, at Chili’s with the homies:

I want science to come up with a pill people can take to contract empathy

Have you told your congresspeople to do their jobs yet today?

i’m like a crunchwrap: full of cheese, too many layers, still holding it together

just bought a liter of soup from the local deli time to turn up

wit is my love language

having a seance with my peeps