Who wanna play rock paper scissors ? ✌️ *Seemed like a good idea at the time*

Them " have you seen stranger things?" Me *shows them my Bluesky timeline*

I like to untwist my sausage... Give it a good squeeze and make it enormous.... But... That's just me

Retweet this if you actually did fuck around and find out.

Quick to the point, to the point no faking, cooking MC's like a pound of tofu

When it's time to carve the turkey at Goth Thanksgiving

She.... She.... Deleted her account... I must have gone in too hard

You're eyes look blank and expressionless... Can we date?

Unless this ends with somebody dead, then I’m not interested

if I'm being honest my musical taste is best described as "good"

Her: be a dear and- Me, sees headlights, freaks out and runs away:

Memory foam never forgets your favourite positions

I'm good, I'm great; I'm half asleep, my mind's awake

Binge breathing.

Camelot still sounds like a seedy bar I'd entertain my time in

Mmm.... You positively rich in vitamins

Best bit of advice I ever heard? There are NO horny singles in YOUR area, DYING to MEET YOU ?

Who wants a raspberry on the belly?

i come on here and say stupid stuff bc everything is stupid including me

so what if I unplugged your life support to charge my phone AITA

like sand through the hour glass, so are the days of bluesky

I’d follow you back, but you’re not naked enough.

I ponder the words of a great poet laureate that once said " Your ass is a spaceship I want to ride"

Buttholefly kisses

Sorry I'm late Was hoovering my fridge

#morningsky 👻

See you on the other side bitches * Crosses the road carefully *

Skeet so good it got 17 views

I wanna go back to the time I was the roller disco king

So the Argyle ash won the tree of the year 2025... A very deserving win Go tree Go tree Go tree

Your aura speaks volumes you damn DAMN hot thing you

Jerry from the block never got the acknowledgement he deserved

Just fax me

you're telling me these sausages are made out of vegans

When she says she vibing

A quick guide on "How to fall downstairs": Step 1 Step 6 Step 8, 9, 10, 11.

If you're just waking up, I've had a little sneaky peak through Tuesday and it's a bit meh...

Dating me would be easier if I didn't give you side effects

Buckle up buttercup...

Hey... Go fuck yourself I did, it was ace

I'd rather have a break, than some head * True story *

For every action there's a erection Or something like that

I've just found out my government are planning on sending me back to Twitter... I'll miss you all so much

I'm cool until I walk into a cobweb

I just woke up and fuck me I can not wait to go to bed tonight

What god damn day is it ?

What people think my bruises are from: Sex or the gym. What they are actually from: Running into shit.