If you gave an AI monkey a typewriter and an infinite amount of time, they would eventually plagiarize Shakespeare

BREAKING: scientists have mapped 97% of the DNA from the burger king long chicken sandwich. the results will both terrify and nourish you

Your Own Personal Jesus “reach out and text faith”

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

You guys wanna see a dead body?

Happy Caturday.

INVENTOR OF THE LIBRARY: hey check this out

full contact origami

Took the cats out for a walk with my brother and accidentally created a 90s Britpop album cover

him: what are you wearing? her: (whisper) bologna

Good morning to Ruby, and only to Ruby

Nostalgic for the brief period in 1999 when we thought Blair Witch might be real

Nine concentric seminars of enlightenment and illumination. Sign up now and use code VIRGIL for a free tote bag.

Dante becomes an inspirational speaker with his new poem InferYES YOU CAN

Me staring down the dark dank well that is Monday morning

OK this is pretty good. The German company that built the forklift used in the Louvre robbery turned a photo of the heist into advertising: “When things need to be done quickly.” 👌🏻

At this moment in time, of course, the ball pit is really the rat’s main priority.

Probably the White House "ballroom" is going to include a Wendy's, a golf simulator, and a display case for the stolen Louvre jewels

Today I learned there are very few differences between ravens and crows. But one key difference is they have a different amount of tail feathers, so really, the difference is a matter of a pinion.

I may or may not have consumed 55% of the Halloween candy

i awoke transformed into a large cockroach, my pajamas ruined

evening coffee just hit different

I need an HGTV program about librarians using settlement money to buy brand new houses.

BREAKING: A librarian fired by in Campbell County, Wyoming, for refusing to remove LGBTQ books from shelves just got the last laugh – a $700,000 settlement for violating her first amendment rights. 👏 May this be a warning across the nation.

Will the owner of the foul-mouthed parrot please come to the front desk. Our receptionist won’t stop crying.

I swear to god it's true.

I can now shop Spirit Halloween via Instacart. It might be time for us, as a species, to just stop.

Harold and Kumar Get Colonoscopies

Joe Estevez. Robert Z'Dar. The director of Rollergator. 64 minutes. Brace yourselves: it's Guns of El Chupacabra, the worst thing we've ever done. www.rifftrax.com/guns-of-el-c...

Crab rangoons with fortunes inside

🤣🤣🤣🤣 🤣🤣🤣🤣 🤣🤣🤣🤣 🤣🤣🤣🎃

I'm wheezing.

Say the password “brainworm” to purchase Tylenol at our gift shop.

Tried to get my real ID. I had my license, my SS card and my birth certificate. I was not allowed to get my real ID because my birth name is different than my married name. Now I have to go dig up a marriage certificate. You know who wouldn’t have to do this? A man. Never change your last name.

there must be a lot of welding related injuries in the world of mad max

Now that it's raining more than ever know that mosquitos are all over You can use my citronella ella ella ella

"…and Magda Goebbels made a great strudel.”

I find it kinda funky I find it kinda sad The dreams in which I’m donkey Are the best I ever had

Sometimes when I serve the dogs a meal I sing are you ready for some foodball

icarus flew too close to the sun but not me. i would have kept going, right into the sun

The Passion of the Christ 2: Biblical Boogaloo

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone's garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

A bunch of cats I’ve painted 🐈

Weary Gen Xer: I don't recognize some of these words and I no longer have the energy to perform a simple search

Yeah, the world is disintegrating, but today one of my meetings got cancelled and this coffee tastes amazing, so it's not all bad