well son of a bitch i did not want war in my coffee this morning

caveman: ugg caveman therapist: (nodding) ugg caveman: *starts crying*

going on the dark web to look for a new pair of Sleeping Jeans

as a “retiree” one of my favorite things each day is to have music on and make dinner. it is a wonderful celebration of life for me every day

[looking in your dishwasher] well there’s your problem right there, you’re front end loaded- you gotta get some of this stuff to the back

BREAKING: several members of the administration are being asked to resign due to not appearing in the epstein files

they should invent a falling asleep on the couch that happens in bed

[octopus mom when octopus child is misbehaving] i am going to count to EIGHT

Dr. Seuss struggling not to rhyme as he delivers his dad’s eulogy

The tragedy of John Fetterman is that he used to dress like a slob but have an encouraging spirt, making him an Oaf of Rugged Individuality, one of America’s great oaf groups. But now he dresses like a slob and whines all the time, making him an Oaf of Misery

well, can a guy on drugs do THIS interviewer: i haven’t asked any questions

Modern day Sisyphus would have to help his dad uninstall a computer virus over the phone for eternity

[raising my hand so the billionaires see me] hey guys i still have a couple bucks left here in my pocket if you need those also

the radical left cashier at the checkout is trying to make me pay for my groceries

president can have a little consequence, as a treat

Good morning friend I am a British Prince in a bit of a pickle, could you please wire me your personal bank account information have a blessed day

New Mexico lawmakers pass bipartisan measure to investigate Epstein’s Zorro Ranch. Trump’s coverup is not going so well. www.cnn.com/2026/02/17/p...

chef: who wants dirt soup everyone: what? no thank you, just regular soup chef: bad news we had to get rid of the soup to provide the dirt everyone: but we hate dirt chef: (mouthful of dirt) who wants dirt

me: allow me to be a frank with you you: i think the saying is be frank wi- me: [is suddenly a hotdog] you: [is suddenly a hotdog]

me: but jesus why are there only one set of footprints in the sand? jesus: oh that's when i was riding the hoverboard from back to the future 2 lmao. yeah, i made it with my powers

The kids have pulled the toilet roll holder off the wall in the downstairs loo. Wife is on at me to fix it but I keep finding other things to do, because we are keeping the toilet roll on the radiator, and I enjoy warm wiping my bum.

I’m sharing Aliya’s entire opening statement. We owe it to her, and those who no longer have a voice, to watch. youtu.be/zrcW8SZtYpI?...

[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird [me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird

me: *opens door* pantry: *sounds of an ancient evil* me: *closes door* pantry: (muffled now) hey come on

when life gives you lemons, use them to discover a secret message on the back of the declaration of independence

@ygrene.bsky.social Huh. Are you sure this wasn’t yours? Pretty sure this follows your M.O.

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

Jack Smith: "My fear is that we have seen the rule of law function in our country for so long that many of us have come to take it for granted. The rule of law is not self-executing. It depends on our collective commitment to apply it."

"hey how are you doing" he said to his friend, acknowledging the horrors of being alive

COP: do you know why I stopped you ME: is it related to my crimes

The people who spent years defending and even lionizing Kyle Rittenhouse and Ashli Babbitt now want us to believe that an unarmed mother in her car and a disarmed nurse were domestic terrorists who deserved to be murdered by law enforcement.

Is it really an alien abduction if I want to go with them

it's equal parts great and bizarre to see someone in office who seems genuinely proud to be a public servant

US government rn

L.L. Bean stands for Ladies Love Mr. Bean

Grape Nuts (holding me back): Whoa whoa whoa, hey man, just let it go! This asshole isn't worth it!

better get to sleep so I can wake up and increase shareholder value while my country actively burns down

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

There are handfuls of people in this administration who will push this lie. Handfuls. Meanwhile every other person on Earth sees this exactly for what it is and sees them for what they are and they will be remembered for it for the rest of their lives. There is no way they escape this.

*pronounces gif like worcestershire*