Note to headline writers: The word "racism" is right there and is shorter than "war on 'wokeness'," you're welcome.

Comprehensive list of top 40 songs that mention raisins: 1. Bungle In The Jungle

Fine. Give us the Epstein files in Times New Roman, then.

The real question is not "Why is Bluesky so left-coded," the real question is "Why can't the right exist in a social media environment without algorithmic assistance, where people can ignore them"

Think about how if you ask normal people what makes them mad, they respond with verbs. People doing things. Getting cut off in traffic, dropping their pizza, people who fart in public, etc. When you ask Republicans they always respond with nouns: women. Immigrants. Pronouns. Teachers.

Normal people are irritated by things happening, republicans are irritated by things existing.

this was miss norway in the “national costume” portion of the miss universe pageant and pleased as i am that miss mexico won i may need a recount

I am increasingly of the opinion that people who change menus and look and feel of computer software just so that you know it's a new version should be personally forced to play tech support to my mother for five months.

I don't know if the Epstein vote is a one-off or not, but I've been thinkin of that very thin, translucent sticker film that comes when you order, say, a new monitor. It's devilishly hard to get the first little bit of the corner to separate but once you do, the entire thing pulls off very easily.

Never give me a postage paid envelope if you are my enemy.

AOC graduated cum laude from Boston University. trump claims to have passed a dementia test based on animal crackers.

They’re not offering Americans much of a future so they keep focusing on the past and trolling us with AI, thinking we just need to be entertained.

Political parties must shift immediately and dramatically to the left to avoid alienating these frustrated and abandoned young women. Am I doing this right?

"Thank you for your attention to this matter" is the new "Heil Hitler."

I've eaten pizzas more supreme than this court

A vat of 80 different blends? Should I be asking our pediatrician for a single malt vaccine?

The five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance, grifting.

There’s been a lot of talk in the past decade of MAGA using lies to bully a counter-reality into existence. Hard to recall a more salient example than the past week’s combo platter of MAGA “free-speech” martyrdom accompanied by the repression of non-MAGA speech and targeting of regime opponents.

If someone’s not mourning the death of Robert Redford in a manner that’s consistent with your views, make sure you set up a database, call their employer, and get them fired.

Trick or treaters are only getting one Musketeer this year.

One of the challenges of this age is these guys are basically moral chimpanzees and the rest of us have to both deal with the America they create while also protecting universal truths for ourselves to draw from AND for these people to rediscover someday.

Listen, this sounds bad, but it's nothing compared to a woman using home email at work or misformatting a footnote or applying for a mortgage.

every birthday message to epstein is like "dear jeff, you're so rich and so handsome but probably the thing about you i love most is that you're a prolific child predator. never change <3"

hey im putting something together for my boss for his birthday. yeah can you write a letter or better yet an insane poem or horrifying drawing about the unspeakable crimes you all have committed together

Just saw someone refer to Cheryl Hines as The Marvelous Mrs. Measles and 💀💀💀💀💀💀

replacing Batman fight onomatopoeiae with old midwestern brewery names

Robbing a bank is a bold departure from cash withdrawal norms.

Unsolved pop music mystery: how did Levon become wealthy from a cartoon balloon business? Was it a front?

Conservative men alternate between "YEAH BRO SECOND CIVIL WAR MOLON LABE BITCH COME GET SOME" and "when I drive through the city I don't wear my seat belt just in case I have to bail out if a Black person gets too close" and these things are usually within 10 minutes of each other

I had heard the phrase “history repeats itself” from a young age but somehow I always thought that would look like “80s fashion coming back” and not “hungry children with measles watch an autocrat drain their nation’s coffers to build a big tacky palace”

The GOP has spent the last 45 years mixing powdered evil with liquid stupidity and boiling off the moderates. MAGA is bigot crack.

Hannah Arendt remains undefeated on this one; “Totalitarianism in power invariably replaces all first-rate talents, regardless of their sympathies, with those crackpots and fools whose lack of intelligence and creativity is still the best guarantee of their loyalty."

The Washington “Whatevers” should IMMEDIATELY change their name to the Washington “Epstein Files Still Have Not Been Released”.

They’ve abandoned the dog whistles and are now Barry White yelling through a bullhorn.

Schrodinger’s Career Advice from conservatives: You don’t need a fancy degree from some useless elitist degree mill! Also brown people are taking your admissions spot and that’s what’s holding you back.

The Wizard of Oz was shown on TV ONCE per year, and only once. It was an event. You circled it in the TV Guide, reserved the TV for the evening, and the whole family watched. All the kids talked about it the next day at school.

Instead we get think pieces asking “How can the left win back the baseball-hatted truck drivers?” It’s never “How can the right win back the voters they’ve alienated?”

When the left wins, there are countless interviews with baseball-hatted truckers in Iowa diners lamenting how they’ve been left behind. When the right wins, there are never interviews with urban professionals allowing them to voice their frustrations with feeling unrepresented.

When the left wins an election, they’re told to tack to the center and govern in a bipartisan, inclusive way. When the right wins an election, it’s a mandate and the people have spoken. They move even further right.

American politics are fundamentally asymmetric and once you see it you can never not see it. This is another example, the left is always chided for cutting off the right, for not dating the right, for not giving the right another chance. It never goes the other direction.

The name "Alligator Alcatraz" reminds us that America is currently run by adults who are like malicious, giggling children using magnifying glasses to burn ants.

A corrupt system is when you need 60 Senate votes to protect voting rights, universal healthcare, reproductive rights, climate justice, lgbtq rights, immigration justice, and a living wage—but only 51 votes to strip them all away. #BigScamBill 1/3

So glad Congress isn’t alive to see any of this.

No money for Medicaid or SNAP or museums or schools or sidewalks or gun violence prevention or art or libraries. Always money for war.

Turns out they were load-bearing pronouns

World War 3 kinda sucks, but you know, it was either this or pronouns

vance wearing a flak jacket surrounded by marines in battle formation talking to a camera about the nightmare while a guy in basketball shorts walks to 7-11 behind him

If you made a list of everyone and everything Trump tweets about, you’d have a vendetta diagram

Our annual small town clam festival draws bigger crowds.