I feel one year aulder

Watching Ohio State v Miami and I am absolutely thrilled that one of these teams is going to lose

They're sending us a new year since this last one was defective

It's our year.

"Dropping the ball" is an idiom for making a big mistake, so it was probably not surprising 2025 turned out so bad given that it began with a "ball drop." Looking forward to seeing what ceremonial gesture they choose to ring in 2026.

I truly think we're going to see a conservative push to ban dating apps within 5 years. These guys don't like the fact that women have options.

The conservative legal movement is a bunch of guys poring over the Constitution with a magnifying glass looking for clever new ways to read it, and always landing on, "Fun fact: the United States government is legally prohibited from improving your life in any way!"

“the Jimmy Buffett” should be a reincarnated spiritual leader like the Dalai Lama. a living demigod of relaxation

Calories don't count during Weird Week

"She used liberal democracy to vote us into fascism, checkmate libs"

Every time some tech bro talks about AI

look we're all making a big bet on AI! and if it pays off as big as we hope, well, it's going to make a handful of people super rich and you're going to lose your job but get to watch mickey mouse fuck geralt from the witcher. if it doesn't pay off well then you get to pay for the bailouts

This is essentially the plot of The Sound of Music.

Watching the Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sandwich Bowl. An anthropomorphic biscuit mascot is frogmarched into a giant microwave. The door slams shut and he pounds on the glass. His movements slow, then stop. The light goes out in his googly eyes. He is finally torn apart and devoured by Herbie Husker.

Y’all might not appreciate it, but it took him 87 moves and 14 hours to get here

Leading economists have moved the Bill Ferris Insufferability Index one minute closer to midnight

My kids got me a rad new guitar pedal for Christmas and I'm making a horrible racket and having a blast.

[on phone with 911] You guys don’t do figgy pudding delivery do you? Have kind of a situation on the front law—YES HON I CAN HEAR WHAT THEY’RE SINGING

Imagine you’ve been waiting for years and it’s finally your turn to carve the roast beast and then they let the fucking psycho who’s been terrorizing your village do it instead.

The government failed at actually redacting the Epstein files because DOGE cancelled the feds adobe acrobat premium subscription is the funniest shit.

Tiny Tim, who did NOT die, fled across the desert, and the Gunslinger followed.

Christmas in July...in December

Nice Christmas carol you got there. Mind if I add a few plaintive bars of "Jingle Bells" to the end?

UNC PRESIDENT: By publishing course syllabi, we will increase transparency and trust among citizens. SOME ASSHOLE IN CREEDMOOR PUTTING TOGETHER A PIPE BOMB AFTER SEEING THE WORD "INCLUSIVE" IN A STATISTICS SYLLABUS: Buncha commie DEI bullshit www.wunc.org/education/20...

7 year old giggling: when goku, gets super hungry, he eats like 30 meals in a row Me sounding exactly like Jesse Gemstone: I know how much goku eats

Everyone's doing retro ads for Stranger Things and I think it's nice the brands all get to play dress up

J.D. Vance was meant to be a guy you see for 3 seconds on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives as he goes "oh yeah, so good" with his dumb BBQ sauce-covered face. But instead he's the Vice President, explaining how you can be for a pure nation while having an Indian wife, because "one less wife for them"

There's a guy on Twitter who posted about Rob Reiner's perfect run of films and included North. Every time someone calls out North, he says "Not the time, 2 people are dead." It's making me laugh until I cry, and I'm confident Rob Reiner would have found it hilarious.

Child: Is Santa real? Me: Oh, sweetheart. Santa is as real as Little Debbie or Betty Crocker, and his spirit will live on in your heart every time you take a delicious sip of ice cold Coca-Cola®

I’m not making free content for a website owned by a guy who thinks my family existing is a form of genocide against white people, which is why I’m not going back to that place.

For a hot second there was a wide recognition over who is actually vital to keep society functioning and it broke these guys brains so hard they have to say they’re inventing god to combat the mind virus that makes people not like them

(being interviewed by local media after a body is found in my neighborhood) me: well pam i just hope to god it wasn't a dracula Pam: according to our sources the body was shot several times ME: it's not the 9th century anymore pam a dracula is more than capable of firing a gun

"Italian Christmas Donkey" is way, way up there in the list of things that sounds like they should be slurs but aren't

If you could choose, would you rather forget your favorite joke so you could hear it again for the first time, or would you rather get to re-experience your ten most satisfying joint/knuckle cracks?

Release the Epstein Files

I wrote about the dirty, demeaning, absolutely booming business of turning something like a shitty bigoted college essay into a shitty public career as a bigot, and also estimated how old Marine Todd would be today. defector.com/the-conserva...

Open to opportunities in a sinecure, gravy train, or money-for-old-rope situation

Former Republicans just don't have the learned helplessness toward politicians that lifelong Democrats do

This is actually quite brilliant, up to and including the final sentence 🔥

I respect that Meghan Trainor participated in that State Farm ad given that the core concept is "Meghan Trainor is really annoying"

At some point you just run out of things to say, right? There’s no argument to make. There’s nothing to discuss. The executive branch is saying “We make our own law and obey no one” and either you say “Okay, I guess you do” or you put down the whole administration and salt the earth where it stood

Experiencing psychic damage thinking about the implications of this metaphor

You will never guess what this is but you should take this warning very seriously

me: *googling symptoms* webmd: you’re being murdered murderer: see i told you

Finally getting some theological clarity on the ethics of reclining in one’s plane seat

ME: (shivering, stripped naked and tied to a chair) Drag queens have pretty privilege… CIA AGENT: Again. Do another. ME: Please, I can’t, I— CIA AGENT: (dousing me with a bucket of ice water) Another take! Hotter! ME: (sobbing) Dating someone who needs glasses is a predatory power imbalance…