They're switching on the boody Christmas lights in the city centre tonight. On 13 November. WTF?

Getting out of bed in the morning seems like a massive commitment to a day I don't know

A man has been found guilty of writing a stream of consciousness novel. He is about to start a 4 year sentence.

"Y'all better take that honkie out and waste him.'

Nellie Heard Nutting Spouse New Hampshire, Death Records, 1654-1947

She's on break.

BEElzebub.

Gary Lineker: "This is the mistake the BBC makes. The BBC tries to appease the people that hate the BBC, rather than worrying about the people that love the BBC."

me when the AI bubble bursts

Super hungry and ordering Chinese food. There’s about to be some wonton destruction.

“How could you eat turkey for Thanksgiving, think of the poor animals!” No. fuck that turkey in particular and also his entire family. I’ll eat it for Christmas too

🎶🎶 The pounding rain continued its bleak fall. We decided just to write after all 😞🌧

me: i’m such a flirt danger: please stop

@actualnames.bsky.social General Ambrose Burnside and his sideburns.

Monday coming

“You’re gonna love this, Janie, I’ve seen it like a million times. Believe it or not, my Uncle Larry actually had a bit part in it. They shot it in his old neighborhood.”

WORD OF THE DAY. Excellent. To give up spreadsheets for forty days.

Excellent fields of fire www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/1...

sharkira, shakira: thread

Yass! 😻

My mate: You're getting drunk again, aren't you? Me (polishing off another can of 7.5% Double IPA): I'm not getting drunk, I'm merely experiencing the malts and hops 🍺

Me flirting

Night x www.youtube.com/watch?v=fVuS...

Looks like Jesus will have to come back again in 3 days to get the top headline

Me reluctantly answering the phone at work: Can I help you? Hold, please. Debbie Harry: 🎶Don't leave me hanging on the telephone🎶

Me between 19 Dec and 5 Jan

Bloody foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is 😔

very anti facist very pro naps

this is about me

Thought I’d just pass on some relationship advice my grandma once gave to me: if you’re unhappy with your partner or spouse why don’t you take their spare car key, lift their car from work and park it round the corner from your house. Then have it resprayed, re-registered, then fly to Krakow x

The world is abhorrent A raging bin fire And so I’m campaigning Trying to inspire Us all to find joy In the smallest of things Like seeing a kitten Or when a bird sings Let’s all unite To bring back the silly Like laughing at farting And shouting ‘big willy’ ©️Flups

My wife said what’s the date today and I said, Remember, remember….it’s the 8th of July, because I wrote this joke a few months ago.

Geo O Matron Iowa, Tama County, Tax Records, 1865-1939

New favourite example of structural ambiguity

Drop something yellow

A book on how to say ‘horse museum’ in French if you’re from Birmingham.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife. Me: Of course you do. How else would you pronounce us? “Mane and weef”?

It’s bonfire night eve not bonfire night Steve

Somehow got negative 8 hours of sleep

🎶That Bloody Mary's lacking in Tabasco. Remember when you used to be a rascal?🎶

I’m “Blockbuster and relax” years old.

I should call him

people magazine announces their sexiest man alive