This is my FORMAL Jurassic Park shirt

It's Wrestlemania weekend which means I am currently sat with my hair in velcro rollers, trying to make sure I'm caught up on Smackdown and for ultimate efficiency I'm building my mummies

A young person at work described this meme as 'the old man on the dance floor'

The Charming Weekend STARTS NOW

We have our own bedtime routine

Someone in Asda was like 'fuck the beach body, I want bread' and I respect that

Not content to set fire to the world and make all our lives financially harder, the USA also doing its very best to ruin our beautiful game

The Slenderman is going cottagecore

My friends, and even my own mother, have started using this phrase against me

heated chivalry

I regret to inform you that I've enjoyed playing with the mixing decks that I was annoyed at my husband for buying

Every time I watch a wrestling promo between two wrestlers I always think 'now kiss' but they never do

Silence of the Lambs. My auntie had Sky when it first came out, pre parental controls, all the adults were in the kitchen talking and I asked if I could watch "Shhh of the Sheep"

Gonna be like those dudes who see you in a band tshirt and ask for three songs, except I'll do it to people in wrestling t-shirts and I'll ask for three special moves

The original Mogger

"Got the pic of the red card incident for you boss. Real fucking sexy just like you asked."

How am I supposed to sleep after that #LUFC

Massive isn’t the word. Gargantuan… epic… colossal… add them all together and it comes close. A great performance #LUFC 👏

Wag: Michael Carrick's face is a beautiful peach cobbler to me. I just want to eat it all up.

Italian government to Trump…

Lorgar heading up PR for Trump again

Japanese sci-fi: two robots in space, yearning American sci-fi: man gets the author's beliefs on polygamy confirmed by the aliens of ramalama IV french sci-fi: two horny bounty hunters visit the Galaxy of Breasts British sci-fi: nuclear war. Everyone dead. America's fault

This is going to keep me up

Today's job

Today in “let’s make this about me, shall we?” www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

"May I have your attention"

There's a rumour on Reddit that Vance has has buccal fat removal and I would like to spread that rumour in bad faith

In Turkey, an elderly man who earns his living by shining shoes is visited every morning at the same time by a cat that asks to have its fur brushed. The man never turns down this little friend.😍👍💙

Not saying these local elections are gonna be spicy but I just had Alex Sobel door knocking. He asked if I had any issues and I just said 'sorry my hotdogs are nearly done' because I don't thrive under being surprised.

Happy Saturday

Letting her sleep in after a traumatic vet's visit yesterday where she had a huge lump on her chin. Turned out it was a giant spot from her seasonal allergies so one pop, some steroids and £100 later and she's feeling a little better

There's an episode of Buffy where she gains the power to read minds and at first it's cool and fun but after a while it's overwhelming & causes psychic damage as the thoughts of 100s of people are beamed into her head, and that's kinda what being able to access social media on your phone feels like

"Are you totally sure about the design of these railway medals? You don't think they look a bit..."

Romance swans

Yeah, I guess you could say I'm a bad girl, I'm having hot cross buns the week after Easter

OH SHIT THAT WHALE IS UNIMPRESSED

Are we for real right now?

was that Melania speech one of Iran’s demands

Oh my god, I thought this was the perimenopause subreddit, not r/paranormal. I spent a good five minutes thinking 'glitching' was going to be a side effect

My "Not involved in human trafficking" press conference has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my press conference.

Gremlin child

Someone referred to this as a 'neurodivergent amount of headphones'

What's the thing where you keep thinking about the team meeting where everyone kept calling this # a 'hashtag' and you finally had to bring it up to someone two months later??

I would 100% ready Manateesy, idk what you are all on about

A rare good hair day wasted on going into the office

When I get a new follower

MFW a chatty white man tries to speak to me in the Finnish Bistro

Marco Rubio exits, with commentary from One Man and his Dog.

🚨 DUCKLING ALERT🚨

I saw someone on LinkedIn refer to popcorn as 'corn of the popped variety'