I've never read any Amis so thought I'd start with something short.

Got an accept just now 5 minutes after I sent it in.

CHANGED MY NAME TO BIG GAVIN HATRED. ASKED A DEBUTANTE IF I COULD HAVE THIS DANCE AND SHE LAUGHED AND SAID THE DANCE HAVER HAS LOGGED ON. OBVIOUSLY YAHOO.COM IS TAKEN ALREADY BUT THERE IS A LOT OF POTENTIAL IN THE REMAINING AVAILABLE WEB DOMAINS

First time being caught up as a new season drops. I am very very excited

The Scientist?? I can fucking hear him doing it

We did karaoke last night. Guess what song this is allegedly from

It's Friday night, and you know what that means! Time to put on a horse costume and stand motionless in my neighbor's garden for 6 hours

THROUGH THE DARKNESS OF FUTURE PAST THE MAGICIAN LONGS TO SEE ONE CHANCE OUT BETWEEN TWO WORLDS

I go outside and hold the phone up and shake the message out of it into the sky, it's like a sugar dredger but the other way up and also full of waves instead of sugar

One of my irrational beliefs is that if I have bad signal but want to post something, the way to solve it is to shake my phone like a maraca

It took six years to write so it will probably take six years to read. Here is a piece about demagogues and television and prophecy as hideous damaging rhetoric.

Reminder that my new poetry collection (my SEVENTH because I apparently cannot take a hint) is available from Picador www.panmacmillan.com/authors/luke...

happy Friday! buy a book! (trying a more direct marketing approach, let's see how it goes)

Personally I gargle with water collected in my cupped hand like a fairy princess, and find the habit of people keeping an unwashed minty communal cup in the bathroom to be pretty gross, but I wouldn't write to a newspaper about it

a truly advanced society would get everyone to jump up and down at the same time to see what happened

I’ve always felt that as the toilet is in the bathroom usually, then there are more germs, and maybe brushing your teeth elsewhere is preferable

Team Gina all the way, on this one, but I do feel compelled to point out that you don't to rinse after brushing your teeth, just spit, which would at least resolve the "mouth on tap" issue.

The heavy response: I'd rather the brushing was kept to the bathroom, personally. As long as said flatmate cleaned up afterwards, however, I wouldn't make a fuss. What I don't understand, however, is the link between the ADHD and using the kitchen sink. It seems to be a stock response from Gina.

Team Gina because Racquel used the word "faucet" and everyone knows Americans are wildly obsessive about this sort of thing. They wash eggs, Ross. EGGS.

see and i want to set gina on fire - adhd isn’t a catch all excuse for being disgusting

Some of the baddest motherfuckers on the planet are in that article, all craving judgement

Judge time let’s have a judge

New world record for shortest jury deliberation here. Saddam levels of vindication for Gina.

I don’t see what they’re complaining about. I once had a male flatmate who I discovered pissed in the sink (and in other unsuitable receptacles) if the bathroom wasn’t free (and sometimes when it was but they were too lazy/stoned to walk to it). Now that *was* disgusting.

Why can't we all get along? <Reads Guardian article> Oh.

up the joyless scalds

Most open and shut case ever and I only read the headline. Yes

This is Munich. If Gina stops brushing her teeth in the sink, Rachel will force her to abandon all personal hygiene. If she stops drinking from the taps, pretty soon Rachel will insist she stops drinking altogether.

I BET RAQUEL’S FINE WITH TOMATO PASTE OR GOCHUJANG PASTE IN THE KITCHEN - EMBLEMS OF MODERN DECADENCE, EMPIRE AND CONQUEST. BUT WHAT OF OTHER PASTES? MUST GINA MAINTAIN HER TEETH - HER BONES - SILENTLY AND UNSEEN? IT IS A SICK WORLD WHEN CONSUMPTION IS MORE ACCEPTABLE THAN PRESERVATION OF THE SELF

Plot twist: Raquel is bleaching the tap daily and slowly poisoning Gina

What is this 'faucet' you speak of, presumably British person writing to the Guardian? Did you learn that word like I did, from Peanuts and Garfield books, or are you just... online

Not sure how Raquel wins this unless her mate announces that she spits on the dishes or also washes her bum in there.

It’s also the tap right next to the toilet!

My roommate (a small child) used to do this too. What a prick

Dump him, girl www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...

Havin' a bread with Donald Barthelme

Things are bad It makes me sad That Yaxley-Lennon's a bit of a mad lad Fuck him

Rosschach test

The only way to stop a bad guy with a social media account is a good guy with a social media account

you DO have to walk on your knees through the desert start repenting, asshole

Things are very bad The world is full of hate Apocalypse approaches But at least in heaven I can skate

Nexstar I believe does jibbitz for your zingbot, rather than for your peely

one thing i liked about twitter was that you could set the trending topics to rural japan and have no idea what anyone was talking about

My kingdom for some slightly more localised trending topics

Things are bad It makes me sad And sometimes mad That things are bad. And if you had A small notepad Then join the fad Of poems "Bad".

A time of no a bread We cannot have a bread No NO We all will soon be a dead

Poem about how things are bad