Imagine if you met someone irl who kept talking like people do on here, throwing under the bus, kept the receipts, lives rent-free etc, you'd quite rightly punch them in the face

I got @alomshaha.bsky.social’s new book for the 7yo for his birthday. (Though of course, when he gets it he’ll be “the 8yo”. Time!)

This is what they took from you

Yesterday my English student (Tech CTO, 40) told me about 22 Short Films About Springfield and now I would like to see 22 Short Films About Springfield but without paying for a Disney sub.

This evening's viewing

your regular reminder that (sound of me being kicked in the ribs)

Going around tapping signs.

Just be glad no one except me talks irl like I do online

If anyone ever said 'let that sink in' to me in real life I would seriously lose it.

I say "Buckle up, fuckos" all the time. Sometimes those fuckos just need to buckle the fuck up 🤔

Quote tweeting a guy in the chipper queue by pointing at him while looking at everyone else, acting like he can't hear you, and accusing him of not taking a stand on [latest news story that you have been vocal/expert on since 10.30 this morning].

Me, irl: “the existence of Exeter implies the existence of Currenteter hope this does numbers send tweet”

ideal stocking-filler idea

Pointing at things in real life and saying 'That's AI'.

This isn't quite the same thing but I recently saw a comedian have a chat with an obviously very online audience member who said, "I'm too gay to do maths." and understandably left him completely baffled for the rest of the set. Not everyone is Online, audience person!

[at a family dinner, in response to well meaning elderly relatives asking how my year has been] buckle up fuckos

You start off saying "Honestly, I don't think you regularly think about all of the massive number of topics you claim live in your head rent free. Not really." Then before you know it you're doing Hugh Dennis's "Yoof" voice from The Now Show.

What poets are like serial killers?

Me introducing you to my friends and family: THRILLED to announce

This is my opinion that has me like

I don't even like it when people talk in Online on the internet. Someone in rural Wales addressed me as My Dude the other day and I had to have a bath to calm down.

Name an album cover with some legs on it

Louder for the people in the back

I think in those circumstances you have to say it loud for the people in the back

👀

I'm calling BS on this

Spits coffre at screen (face)

'Your occasional reminder...' 'Sorry, I'll stop you there - why are you talking like this?'

Don't make me tap the sign [that says something deranged]

Yeah, each of them saying the same thing the person below them just said, only in a bit less good words. The stuff of bad dreams.

“TAG YOURSELF. I’M CHAOTIC EVIL.”

A whole stack of people sitting on each other's shoulders, each of them saying the same thing the person below them just said, only slightly less eloquently. The stuff of nightmares.

I was wondering just yesterday if people say ‘I will die on this hill’ in offline contexts (other than doomed climbers etc). Has it made it into the wider world?

"What's the best thing you've seen on telly recently? Wrong answers only."

Nobody: Me: “Why aren’t you speaking?!?”

I need you to realise [something that is incorrect].

My heart is breaking for *insert name of random stranger I have just heard about, and will forget in 2 minutes time.*

Con (+4)

I think about this every day

Imagine if someone said in real life "I was today years old when", I think I'd literally be sick

telling the postman to touch grass

I don't know who needs to hear this, but

I’LL WAIT

Stop what you're doing and let that sink in.

Imagine if you met someone irl who kept talking like people do on here, throwing under the bus, kept the receipts, lives rent-free etc, you'd quite rightly punch them in the face

The exponential growth of scam emails from fake book marketers and people posing as famous writers makes something depressingly clear. The real money is to be made, not by trying to sell books to readers, but by exploiting would-be authors.

when offering condolences I'd often worry I'd say the wrong thing, but then tell myself there isn't really a "wrong thing" to say. Well I stand corrected because it turns out there is

Matt & Luke Ross, The Ross Baby, Mill on the Ross, Ross & Blackwell.

Dump him, girl www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle...