Tactile poetry. The audience each gets a big book like a carpet sample binder and you direct them to rub their faces in it at indicated points during the performance

New blog post: Three Ways to Proofread in a Hurry.

The villanelle of the piecenelle.

The Vengabus is sacred And everybody’s naked Mecca to the Vatican The water’s fine, come on in The glass that’s stained is humbling And the jacuzzi’s bubbling So if you like to exalt Drive the bus-bath-church gestalt

New blog post: Warming Up for the StAnza Festival.

There should be vegetarian butchers where you get a flank of tofu, cuts of Quorn, and Linda McCartney sausages on a string

It's lucky I don't live on Mars, because whenever something unbelievable happens, I'd forget to exclaim, 'What on Mars...?'

I suddenly recalled tonight that I was once serenaded with the Brenda Russell track Piano in the Dark by a girl in the school year below me. Her piano-playing and singing were spot-on. However, it was the intense eye contact for the entire song that I still don't know how to interpret.

Further to looking at my new book cover, I wrote about getting the book published

New blog post: Stage Presence and Off-Stage Presence.

Banking apps should have a whimsical Animal Crossing mode that shows your funds in bells rather than sterling.

Happy Monday, persons. www.youtube.com/watch?v=7THj...

The phrase 'You said, we did' has a secret middle clause, which is 'someone wilfully misinterpreted'.

New blog post: A Tale of Two Topics.

Poets, comics, and other performers! I have a question, and your answers might make it into a future blog entry. On Desert Island Discs, the comedian Alan Carr mentioned that he doesn't like watching other stand-ups. In fact, when he's on a bill, he only turns up for his own slot. (P1/3)

French guy who lives in Wigan who goes by the name Wigan Pierre

@strongmisgiving.bsky.social It's a shame you deleted that update because:

Fringe rejected my puppet version of Crash using hard boiled eggs because, in their words: “it’s too hot”

She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes, although I've repeatedly told her it's twice as fast using the motorway.

New blog post: The Cultural Value of the Public Domain.

We're now at Season 5. What is the name of Casio keyboards is that theme tune all about?

We haven't had a major dance craze for a while. I think one is overdue.

Since February, I’ve been quietly building up a YouTube channel. If you take two d10 dice, the hypothetical odds of rolling a double ‘0’ are one in 100. This channel does just one activity: find out how many rolls it actually takes. You can find it right now at: youtube.com/@doublezeroc...

@jagohazzard.bsky.social Further to your latest video, I spotted a snow-covered classic train on Sunday.

New blog post: Boulevard of Broken Plans.

🎶 Thomas Paine. 🎶 I bet you think this pamphlet's about you, 🎶 Thomas Paine.

My debut will be unputdownable because we'll make sure a powerful adhesive seeps from the pages

Good morning. Here's the full theme from former breakfast show GMTV. youtu.be/EBer8gwm08M?...

For any train enthusiasts out there, I've spotted this West Coast Railways engine (code 37 706) parked at Dundee station this morning, with the front end covered in snow.

The cow He destroyed his electric fence Moo MOO The cow is out

Jools Holland came across the devil at a crossroads and exchanged some of his vertebrae for the ability to play boogie woogie for eternity. The Man Who Sold His Neck

Three unlikely predictions for revivals in the year ahead: 1. Early-2000s-style Bluetooth posters will start popping up everywhere. 2. Indie guitar music will suddenly flood the charts. 3. Eastman Kodak and Yahoo! will team up to create some must-have product.

New blog post: Dual Lingo.

The B-side that Chris Rea never wrote.

I’ve had a list sitting in my ideas notepad, and as I’m at a loose end tonight, let’s dust it off. Here is my list of permanent Countdown presenters, subjectively ranked from least favourite to most. Number one will not be a surprise, but let’s look at the other six first.

@strongmisgiving.bsky.social I'll be busy seeing family from 9am today, but I'll try to pop into You Be the Judge at some point. I've assembled a plate of buns to enjoy while reading it.

🎵 ...AND ALAN PARTRIDGE AT THE PEAR TREE 🎵

This isn't one of my gags, but the Eric Clapton track Promises reminds me of leaving an office on Christmas Eve, and I've no idea why. In fact, this association seems to have been set before I even worked in an office.

New blog post: Running a Readathon.

I've opened a second Duolingo account so I can learn double Dutch.

Mulled Toothpaste

@davidwilloughby.bsky.social Howay lads, &c.

It amuses and intrigues me more each year how Elton John tells folks to Step Into Christmas, and makes a point of saying the admission is free of charge, as if he's going to invite pals around and open a bar tab.

🎶 'He bugs me when he's sleeping.' 🎶 'She bugs me when awake.' 🎶 Who needs to give it all a rest? 🎶 Be the judge, for goodness' sake.

New blog post: Laughs and Larks in London.

Something unimportant is bugging me, but let's see how we go: Does anyone recall a poetry set at the Scottish Storytelling Centre, maybe in 2017, where the poet began by running a bleep test across the stage? The writer may have been called Kath or Katharine, but it definitely wasn't Macfarlane.

I think the most underrated part of The A-Team is right at the end when Stephen J. Cannell pulls the paper out of his typewriter and sends it flying, which is then perfectly shot-matched with the animated titles. That must taken days to create in an era before computer graphics.

You be the judge:

Something for my Scottish persons. While he was well before my time, I admire the skilled wordplay in his Parliamo Glasgow sketches, where it actually sounds as though he's speaking in two different languages.