Elmo’s full name is Elendil Motherfucker

my partner unsubscribed from the Your Party mailing list, and was invited to choose from a list of reasons. one of the options was "no longer relevant", which seems painfully apropos

The bees have discovered Brutalism

Just got access to a load of Elmo themed meditations which is unfortunately a sentence that gives me anxiety

🎶if you're happy and you know it what's it like

*to the tune of Bandages by Hot Hot Heat* “Bright blue jacket on his arms and his boots yellow Bombadil Bombadil Bombadi-il”

I have ideas for K Pop Demon Hunters sequels. 1. Huntrix must look for spicy mustard in… …K Pop Dijon Hunters

Thank fuck K Pop Demon Hunters is good because I am going to have to watch it a *lot*

In horrific scenes at the Ryder cup people are playing golf.

[funeral] Priest: As requested, I will now read the deceased's top Bluesky bangers. With 874,000 likes, first is a bunch of emojis spelling out "I'm the fuckin sheriff of yeet"

ID cards are only a thing because someone at Labour HQ invested in a gigantic Barcode Battler

Just got access to a load of Elmo themed meditations which is unfortunately a sentence that gives me anxiety

A long while back I saw Jack Whitehall on tv doing a joke about not reading books because if they’re any good they’ll be on telly anyway, and since then I’ve hated him on principle and stand by it to this day.

CHOTINER: JOHN CAGE: CHOTINER: CAGE: CHOTINER: ? CAGE: This interview is over.

“So food costs more?” “Yep” “Houses cost more?” “Yep” “Electricity costs more?” “Yep” “Water costs more?” “Yep, and it’s got shit in it” “What are we doing?” “ID cards.” “Again?” “Yeah but we’ve made it worse this time; check out the name.”

I did actually talk about basically anything for three hours when I was hosting an open mic night and only five people went on stage

"You've had some cowboys in here" - Heath Ledger's proctologist.

My pitch for the new Bond film is he shags a nuke

*the faint sound of saxophone begins to play in the distance*

just found a bullet casing with the entire bee movie script on it

Might try this again

Son has not got to the end of Lord of the Rings to ask why the eagles didn’t fly all the way to Mordor, but he has got far enough through it to ask “Why didn’t Sauron just make a spare ring?”

Should say, I’m always writing for the issue. And one of the pieces might need legalled…

my "There is no evidence that Dane Bowers created a kill list" tshirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt

I suggested we call our band “Your Party” and the subtext of the reply was very much “Too soon”

There is more of crypto that the crypt about them

kind of gauche to assert the cultural relevance of one's own work, but this piece from my 2022 @vervepoetrypress.bsky.social collection Farewell Tour - a sort of grubbily psychedelic travelogue through a country in the process of extravagantly losing its marbles - feels newly resonant atm

My family on a long car journey:

Tylenol was always one of those American things you didn't know what it was. Like Twinkies and Pottery Barn and Ted Koppel and whatever the hell a caucus is.

joining the war on autism on the side of autism

It’s always useful stuff that causes autism. It’s never something shite like golf or Ross County

It’s been driving me mad for some time. I literally do not understand why Labour went into full election mode on day one after a landslide (yes, McSweeney’s influence etc, but it’s still deranged.)

I’m “making Father Ted”

If you’re ever stressed just remember to IN EX HAHA LELE #ikigai

I’ve accidentally got the order wrong while wrapping Pass the Parcel now I’m thinking maybe I should do a drawing or something just so it’s not Funky Sunglasses three times in a row

Books for the end times, sir? Madame, some books for the horrors? No, no when I said 'end times' sir, I was being hyperbolic, I know its not helpful to be pessimistic. Books for morale, my dear fellow?

Michael Caine doesn’t follow you

Philip Faircloth-Mutton

Tbf to Your Party this is how I, a man with executive dysfunction, would run a political organisation

I can usually spell diarrhoea, which is why I use it in so many poems

Je suis *extremely heavy sigh* Jimmy Kimmel

dont cite the deep magic to me. i don't care

BBC news showing the Trump protest in London, Sylvester McCoy has just appeared on a vox pop.

And here's my assistant, Little Parker Booowles!

Dance like nobody’s watching the watchmen

Grangemouth is apparently on fire

told my 9yo he's lucky to have friends who are better than him at soccer and he nodded and said, gravely, "iron sharpens iron." didn't realize i was raising an anime protagonist but okay