everything i learn about graham platner and his little bosom tattoo there seems more and more the scene from austin powers where he is confronted with more and more damning evidence that he is indeed the owner of the swedish penis enlarger pump (‘one book by graham platner entitled my totenkopf-‘)

send in Big Sam

my theory: plastic bottle tops being attached to bottles so you can’t enjoy your delicious milkshake without pouring most of it down your neck are a plastics company psyop to make people think ‘you know what, fuck the oceans’

they should get isaac chotiner to do a guest spot on sesame street

The boys are back in town, and they’re considering Boudicca @miloedwards.bsky.social @patrickwyman.bsky.social @phoeberoi.bsky.social linktr.ee/mastersofpod

She's like an old samurai whose great battles are behind her but every once in a while she kills a man with piece of paper just to prove a point

Ploughing on with Suetonius, it’s Claudius o clock @miloedwards.bsky.social @patrickwyman.bsky.social @phoeberoi.bsky.social linktr.ee/mastersofpod

Matt Goodwin found in waterstones furiously gnashing through the books like the chimps at the start of 28 Days Later

i would like to direct everyone to my idea for Beavis & Butthead Wilderness Trips (ideasforfixingcontemporarymasculinityFINAL.exe)

i do not need to tell you how excited i am to get this project up & running 🫶

A Very Good Episode (also great news, misjudged where my camera was so you can only see the back of my head and my bisexual lighting. I am both efficient and glamorous)

not usually surprised by the American Mode but it has honestly never occurred to me that ‘reckon’ might be a charming down home sort of word

mailbag time, & the two Ps answer some of your questions about the 12 Caesars so far, plus the usual theorising on the Pope’s game, muppets, the founding of a New Essex in the Latvian forests etc @patrickwyman.bsky.social @phoeberoi.bsky.social @miloedwards.bsky.social linktr.ee/mastersofpod

We’re back to talk about Suetonius’ take on everyone’s favourite horse girlie, Caligula @miloedwards.bsky.social @patrickwyman.bsky.social @phoeberoi.bsky.social linktr.ee/mastersofpod

We watched 1977’s The Duellists and we admired their little plaits @patrickwyman.bsky.social @miloedwards.bsky.social @phoeberoi.bsky.social linktr.ee/mastersofpod

It's Mailbag Time on Past Lives! Subscribers get their questions answered, so drop them in the comments on this post; if you have questions you want answered, subscribe to the Patreon! www.patreon.com/posts/its-ma...

COW TOOLS COW TOOLS COW TOOLS

The boys are back in town & we are going in on someone who has had it way too easy for way too long: The Emperor Augustus @patrickwyman.bsky.social @miloedwards.bsky.social @phoeberoi.bsky.social linktr.ee/mastersofpod

[gesturing you to take out your ear phones] munich beer hall putz [sitting so i’ve sort of trapped a corner of your coat] he’s a munich beer hall PUTZ, am i right [rummaging through your bag and asking about every item] a MUNICH BEER HALL-

we've got some ICE shit going down in our little town today and it took like three minutes for a convoy of wine moms to start chasing them around town. normies hate this shit and are putting in the work

i feel like not enough of you understand that trump is letting the soft animal of his body love what it loves

the muppets are all nepo babies but no one is willing to have that conversation

the reason there has never been a serious literary project attempted entirely in the ‘oh noes teh interwebz’ register is that *every single writer on the planet* is a coward

even beyond being camera-ready I know a few women who hate going on video podcasts because it ups the harassment by like 10x

(Yes ofc: demonic) also come here & listen: ‘AI dimwit family photoshoots represents survival for busy mothers’ is an op so that inequitable domestic labour and caring responsibilities are framed as deliberately ludicrous and something that men can reasonably treat as optional

family members steeling themselves for me to trap them and go on and on about my beautiful son have no idea about the second string to my plan which is to trap them and go on and on about the Winter Queen. happy holidays!

me: the question would be is it possible to split consciousness, memory, perceptions? Do we share a life force or just an identical body? Would i be able to get my clone to taste food for poisons? family member, never playing board games with me again: ok well that’s not what it says on the card

Kevin Hegel

we did it: we invited @goingmedieval.bsky.social on to to talk to us about Master & Commander. the dudes rocked late into the night. @miloedwards.bsky.social @patrickwyman.bsky.social @phoeberoi.bsky.social linktr.ee/mastersofpod

here is one for the cowardly ‘physicists’ to explain: the baby is small. his clothes and equipment are also small. Why does he need a house-sized suitcase for a few days while all my stuff is having to go in a bag designed for a mouse. a luxury and well travelled mouse but a mouse nonetheless

My new show on winter ghosts in the medieval period is out today and I am very proud of it The Dead of Winter: Medieval Ghost Stories - Medieval - History Hit share.google/gz6aMMrchycq...

I have now dreamt *twice* that i went 2015 viral (book deal viral) by posting that kevin mcallister from home alone is the kevin from we need to talk about kevin

I'm obsessed with @patrickwyman.bsky.social's new podcast Past Lives, which looks at the lives of ordinary people in history, but this one on Neaira - a 4th century BCE sex worker and the culture of Corinth and Athens - is particularly brilliant. www.podbean.com/ea/dir-7fxps...

guess what. the jonas brothers christmas movie occupies the same conceptual space as the darjeeling limited

toddlers don’t get enough credit for their affability and capacity to take things in stride. my son is like 85 cm long and his reaction to there being a tree in the house is cheerful interest. compare that to your reaction to if there was suddenly a festooned sofa in the park

doing promo is physically painful for me but i really would love it if you bought or read my newest book that came out a few months ago. i think it’s the best thing i’ve ever made and im so immensely proud of it. simplicitybook.xyz

It’s time again for Dr Wyman’s carpet time, this time on Storytelling. Austin Powers comes up more than you might imagine @phoeberoi.bsky.social @patrickwyman.bsky.social @miloedwards.bsky.social linktr.ee/mastersofpod

you will be visited by three different spirits, and one of them will tell you how many of your copies of your book were sold to people who were reading it For Content

oh no i am experiencing Rapid Onset Gift Guide Induced Alienation

We watched the slutty classic 1953’s Julius Caesar @miloedwards.bsky.social @patrickwyman.bsky.social @phoeberoi.bsky.social linktr.ee/mastersofpod

i understood that mcsweeneys would not be publishing my rejected submissions

My new history podcast, Past Lives, launches this Wednesday! If you're already subscribed to the Patreon, you'll receive the full script for the first episode, "On Historical Storytelling," tomorrow as a thank you for your support. Check it out: www.patreon.com/cw/PastLives...

the great tragedy of olivia nuzzi is being publicly exposed as someone who is not only fucking the access man for access but also the text man for texts

this is such a specific complaint but what else are sunday mornings for (i’m joking you should all be at church); in the last bit i’ve been re-reading some Jan Mark books for i’d guess youngish teenagers & it is so noticeable how much more vivid&complex the language is than most books for adults now

i honestly believe the cranks who push this stuff are evil in a way i have no real understanding of & i also think that those variously responsible for the absolute catastrophe of maternal care should be held responsible for pushing people into their arms.

oh, so i suppose ‘making a meme of cheryl hines saying ‘why would you do that bobby’ and then accidentally deleting it’ isn’t ‘art’ either

i am genuinely rattled in a manner that can only be described as Regular Poster on a Skeptics Forum in 2008 by how routinely cranial osteopathy is recommended to worried new parents for all kinds of infant issues

going to go against the grain here and say that i think this is very cool legend behaviour

[big john voice] Hieronymus Bosch

getting out my red felt tip and circling ‘fluffy’ until the nib tears through the page and bores directly into the table