Good morning!

I didn't watch any of the World Cup until today, and both of the teams I was rooting for lost. You're welcome, Swiss and Norwegian fans.

You should read this guy's newsletter. Not because he's promoting mine here, but because he knows Weird Al.

I know little of men's football except that I like the giant goofy Viking, but I really want to give Harry Kane a wedgie.

I'm in love with this person who saved their first Reddit post for something so important.

The real Team USA win is the Mariners winning the summer Blue Jays series when thousands of drunk Canadian casuals always pour into Seattle. Slink back to Alberta in shame, invaders.

Please enjoy this wholesome moment of Randy Johnson rocking his new grandson at the Diamondbacks game tonight

Fireworks explode in the sky during the 4th of July celebration in Martinez, Calif., on Saturday, July 4, 2026. #photography #fireworks #4thofjuly #fourthofjuly

Today, I celebrated the three F's: Friends covered in sweat, failed pace goals, and feathered corvids.

I've never been a July 4th fan. It can probably be linked to accidentally burning myself on a sparkler when I was four or five. “Get better coordination, and you might enjoy this patriotic day!” one might say. To that, I respond, *somehow falls over while sticking out my finger to make a point*.

Celebrating 4th of July with French toast because I cannot be governed.

Trying to time when to feed my cats so that they will actually eat and not be getting their feline affairs in order as the sky falls later.

Original 13 States Renew Declaration Of Independence In Beachfront Ceremony https://theonion.com/original-13-states-renew-declaration-of-independence-in-beachfront-ceremony/

They would have fatally fainted when they had their first taste of a Taco Bell nacho box anyway.

eating a hot dog, leftistly

Walter doing cat stuff. He looks extra magnificent and weird when he does this:

250, y'all. Thinkin' about the melting pot today. Folks who came here outta hope or by force. Folks who were already here, minding their own damn business. All of us in this sometimes rocky boat, trying to make it work. I love y'all. Let's keep meltin' and whatnot.

This one has kind of taken off. (by my 14 subscriber standards) My youngest sibling and their boyfriend tried to convince me to text this guy today. I could. I mean, it is a day for things to blow up in your face. michellemilliken.substack.com/p/i-accident...

the kelce bros tearfully disassembling their bunk bed

MLB players: Christ the King will return to cleanse the world of communism and homosexuals. NBA players: The Moon landing was faked because they didn't want us to learn that the Earth is flat. NHL players: [babbling in heavily concussed Finnish] NFL players: WTF ARE SQUIRLES EVEN DOING LMAOOOOOO

The Cubs are a fascinating team

Colombia gave us Shakira. We always cheer for Colombia in this household.

I would like to send a stern disappointed Mr. Rogers look to the #mnwild for not keeping any of my three favorite players.

Andy Reid Approaches Floor For Traditional Coach-Tight End Wedding Dance https://theonion.com/andy-reid-approaches-floor-for-traditional-coach-tight-end-wedding-dance/

If you'll excuse me, I'll be in mourning for the rest of my life. #SeaKraken www.nhl.com/canucks/news...

My cat thinks he wants to eat light bulbs. Watt is up with this guy?

Thank you so much for all of your happy birthday wishes. Honestly, I don’t really feel 100. I feel pretty good. I feel like I’m only 98!

I'm unfashionably late, as per uge, but you should read this delightful piece by Felina because I said so.

Babe Ruth hit 380 home runs after Mel Brooks was born.

Congrats to Mel Brooks for being 5% to his goal!

Happy 100th Birthday, Mel Brooks!

Mel Brooks is 100, all hail the king

Spaceballs (1987) Director: Mel Brooks

Mel Brooks has been around for 40% of the US's existence.

Happy 100th birthday to one of the most prolific producers of giggles! I'm glad he hasn't left us alone.

I was so alluring at Costco on Monday that I had a romantic encounter. Not surprising when $1.50 hot dogs and free samples are getting everyone all hot and bothered. michellemilliken.substack.com/p/i-accident...

Okay, which seven of you want to go in with me on this $800,000 pirate ship house in Idaho? www.zillow.com/homedetails/...

Just had an interview for a part-time gig as an adult softball league umpire. I'm assuming I won't get it but am channeling my inner Ángel Hernández just in case.

A very attractive Brazilian guy who I kept bumping into at Costco asked for my phone number in the parking lot. I said no politely and that I don't give my number to people I don't know. He pressed a little bit but left. Then as I was leaving, he drove past and gave me his number. I am suspicious.

"This is why fans love Clement. They see themselves in Clement, but even more than that, they see possibility. They see a reason to believe that this game can still surprise us." I primarily see an adorable goofball who has to be at least 10% golden retriever.

pov: you are eating chicken

this also applies to baseball players

Some interesting info for people who aspire to avoid the tummy troubles.

Knicks cultural takeover is now so complete that Stevie Nicks had to change her name! @robertsilverman.bsky.social @sethrosenthal.bsky.social

Suraj has a point.

eating a whole cinnabon roll is a societally acceptable form of self harm

This one has officially reached top 10 Michelle Substack post status. (which means, like, six frog fanatics accidentally liked it)