The Mandalorian the day before a fight: This is the weigh

They rendered your fat in cast iron chat

Why does everyone keep calling it “The Epstein Ballroom?” Please stop repeating “The Epstein Ballroom” because it is not called “The Epstein Ballroom!” Don’t tell the news that it’s called “The Epstein Ballroom” and please don’t repost this!!!!!

Can’t right now I’m writing the AP US History textbook chapter on how democracy was saved by dancing inflatables

“There are more things on Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in Smurf philosophy” - Hamlet

You get a beer, and you get a beer, and YOU get a beer!

They finally did it guys

the bat moved like a high school Peter Pan production's 1st rehearsal

Just got sucked into @neal.fun's "Not a Robot" neal.fun/not-a-robot/

One time I was at a bar in Prague and Johnny Cash was sitting next to a couple of huge guys who fell off their stools. He tried to help them but couldn’t, so I reached down with one arm and pulled them both up. Johnny asked “the hell are you doing?” and I said “righting Czechs your ass can’t, Cash”

Just saw a dude park a fork lift in a handicapped spot at a gas station and idk what to say about that it just wasn’t on my bingo card today or ever

I was a young boy that had big plans, now I’m just another man smoking meat, watching football, and complaining about the government

Either somebody tells me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

A website that sells beer, but none of it comes in bottles or kegs. OnlyCans

Slightly diminish a book The Middle Aged Man and the Sea

“Hey Jim, I’m gonna need one more square block to fill that order. Yeah, yeah, we got all six … remember I told you about that new guy? Got a story for you about him”

I tried to make love to the entire orchestra but I only got to second bass

He’s going the distance

Credence Clearwater Redistribution of Wealth

There is nothing better than realizing, right after you wake up, that you won't have to face the consequences of the terrible choices you made in your dream

Silverware is so funny it’s like “here’s a little set of tools to help you get the food in your mouth”

Over hundreds of millions of years, dead animals turned into flammable liquid underground, and now you need to pay $50 to inject that ancient dead animal liquid into a machine that sets it on fire or you won’t be able to feed your family

i’m not dumb or smart but rather a secret third thing

What’s cooler than being cool?

You don’t really know your Uber driver until he’s telling you about his sperm count, and you shouldn’t know your Uber driver like I got to know mine just now

I put on my jewelry just to go to the bodega. It’s a watch. I usually wear a watch.

vertical diagona/ horizonta__ no further questions

I don't care how many times his dog bites you, you still have to vote for Biden

You should always testify at your criminal trial. Do not listen to your lawyer, who is only trying to hold you back in order to keep the spotlight on himself

The billboard that used to warn us not to leave babies in hot cars has been painted over with a campaign ad for Houston mayor. If any babies die in hot cars as the weather heats up this weekend, Whitmire will have blood on his hands

I'm honestly a little disappointed things didn't really shake out this way

Choosing which sunglasses to wear is all about optics

Eat or don’t eat anything at will with zero effects on health or wellbeing

When you’re eating an ice cream cone but you stub your toe so bad it’s bleeding, you finish the ice cream cone before treating the toe. I don’t make the rules I just follow them

i would rather think about the speaker of the mouse. i’m talking about a mouse holding a little boombox.

Reminder that the house speaker doesn’t need to be a member of Congress

Country X

Breakfast buffalo wings

Bluesky is just twitter for people who used to be on twitter

Sometimes I can't tell if it would be weird to just leave a room, or weirder to announce my intention to leave So I end up slowly walking out the room which is probably the weirdest option

reminder that we are still on a POSTERS STRIKE !!!! do not post unless your posts are really good

Overheard “Look if your expert died, there’s no way I’m gonna depose the guy” and truer words have never been spoken by a lawyer

I’m not ready for chat GPT, please delay

May it please the court, we really shouldn’t even be here

I see you, Cascade, tryna get me to run the dishwasher more so I have to buy more pods. You’re not fooling this guy

🎵 it's the i of the tiger, with a g to the right Risin' up to the challenge of a vowel And the last two letters are an e and an r And a t is in the front of the iiiiii of the tiger🎵

Hear me out. A driving range where all the balls are more like tennis balls, and you get to bring your dog to run out and fetch the balls after you hit them. Also serve food and drinks. Look out, top golf

Did the big bang stop at some point or is this still it?