I'M ON YOUR *STAB* OW! STOP STABBING *STAB* OW! ME! STO- *STAB* STOP! *STAB* I'M *STAB* I'M ON YOUR SIDE! *STAB* *STAB* *STAB* I really think they were trying to tell me something.

I know that this is a gay male clothing store, but I am truly digging this green sequined t-shirt. They were open when I walked by, I probably would have bought it on the spot.

This is what peak male fashion looks like

I've had really good nights out with my bros, but I can't say I've ever had the mandate of heaven.

Honestly, I think I'm never gonna stay at a Hilton again. Their beds are so hard I could swear they've done time. It was like sleeping on a rock that hated me. That mattress carried grudges.

I'll be the shoulders to your crying

I'll be the cross to your chris

🎶I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose drinking fresh mango juice goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes FUN FUN FUN IN THE SUN SUN SUN🎶

What if people in comas are just having such good dreams that they don't want to wake up?

Replying with ❤️ emojis to my homies messages because its pride month and I am not ashamed

Hey all my witches, maybe it's time to reconsider all of the hexes you've cast. That is valuable and important spiritual energy you're using to nurse old grudges. Maybe it's time to let them go so that you can use that energy for new, fresher grudges?

who is she?

Positive punctuation implied but omitted for brevity

not being able to digest corn is what’s making this maze so challenging

My body is a temple. My mind is an electrical storm. My car is a rolling trash can. My apartment is an abandoned 7-11. I could do this all day.

Some cool mushrooms i drew

Show me a picture that captures your essence

If you don't say bless you when an animal sneezes, you're a monster

Listening to a comedian talk about the Vietnam War and the protests of the 70s and how they would link arms and arms and sing "We Shall Overcome" while National Guard was there bashing their heads in with Billy clubs. We need that kind of energy again.

cats don’t scratch you out of anger, they just wanna give you lifelong reminders of their existence and they can’t hold a tattoo gun

Thinking looks like overthinking to underthinkers

(me, a cryogenics expert) yeah, this one tastes like mint chip

These pants are riding so high I got one testicle down each leg

This might be the most cursed thing anyone has posted on this damn website and that’s a compliment I do not give out lightly

In the continuation of my testosterone saga, after 5 weeks of taking OTC meds to boost testosterone, my total has gone from the 900s to over 1300, and I've gone from post-menopausal lady levels to $500/week gym bro bathroom self-injection levels of free testosterone.

This is your fault so you only have yourself to blame

Here is a famous statue of Albert Einstein looking at the last measurable particle of fuck in the United States of America.

LA has got to get their graffiti under control. I just passed by a sign that somebody painted on the side of a temporary erection, (haha erection), that said, "SUSAN"

You ever pee so hard you feel your balls drop from the back pressure?

Little known fact: the last name Palmer was given to people who were adept at hand jobs

Read the first book of Dungeon Crawler Carl, today. If you've never been exposed to the genre, it's a pretty good story.

blowing you up with my mind powers

*turns off ur magnetic field*

Somehow I've miscounted my underwear and I've managed to bring 14 pairs of underwear with me to California for a five-day work trip. I guess it'll be okay as long as I don't shit in my pants more than three times a day.

I have flown 500 miles, and I have flown 500 more just to be the creep who skeets about his life and breakdowns at your door.

I have had 9 hours of sleep since Friday morning and I cannot be killed

APERTURE SCIENTIST: Can we trust you not to use this portal gun for frivolous reasons? ME (imagining using portals to piss into the toilet from the bed so I don't have to get up at night): Totally

It only took me 6 months, 14 days, 12 hours, 37 minutes, and 47 seconds to finally put my clothes up.

Outside of you there are two wolves *reads notes* Okay, way more than two wolves. Anyway, if you leave the cabin, they're going to kill and eat you.

the joke's been done before obv, but his delivery is so good (work) lmao

I hate it when you're flying somewhere, and the plane passes over where you're actually going, but then you have to keep going to wherever the plane is going. I wish we could just, like, "alright, this is my stop. Give me my parachute". I would pay an extra $200 for that.

Read and share!

Manifesting my Himbo energy

I tried to write jokes about hydrogen and oxygen, but they kept getting watered down...

[CHORTLE] 😄

John Henry is one of the most fucked up American tall tales. It's more an allegory of the oppressive fundamental nature of capitalism than it is a heroic tale of man versus machine.

I'm always awkward. I'm used to it by now. I'm good at it. You're safe here.

In a magical world, mimes would need to be rescued.

Sometimes I hate the Fediverse. You can have 45 news channels blocked and somebody will create a new one, "Oh, have you heard what the Polish are doing?, it will really make your blood boil!" I'm trying to not be somebody that becomes newsworthy for a bad reason, they are not making it easy.

it's so weird when a zombie movie comes out and it's just like, another zombie movie, exactly the same as every other zombie movie, like they're hoping the people who watch their zombie movie have never seen any zombie movies