If you're ever finding yourself in a situation where you have to take out a heloc, do not use Figure.com 1: Their rates are terrible 2: Their payment dates are unchangeable 3: If you pay down your loan, they lower your monthly minimum (to maximize their profit) and don't tell you

I got a fancy bidet, and a week later I got sick. You want to tell me that's a coincidence? Well, you're right, but my butt has never been cleaner.

I cannot believe that I just scored a copy of Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots. I cannot wait to get back and listen to it!

me, flirting: [opens your beer bottle with a beer bottle opener that subsequently breaks, causing me to drop your beer bottle and spill your beer as I cry profusely]

Tommy played piano like a kid out in the rain And then he lost his leg in Dallas, he was dancing with a train They were all in love with dyin', they were drinking from a fountain That was pouring like an avalanche comin' down the mountain www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2XL...

I am psychically, spiritually, and mentally prepared for most things, or so I thought until today when I heard an acoustic jazz cover of Creed's "With Arms Wide Open" in passing.

I finally found an energy drink that will get me through this presidency.

Why would they put hand sanitizer in the same bottle as gin?

Yeah, I wasn't ready.

Okay, I had an idea and I wanted to run it by all of you brilliant people, if I take the songs I've written and run them through an AI and then use what the AI shits out as inspiration to rewrite my song, is that a bad idea?

Waffle House Cook photographer Truck driver recording artist systems administrator

Cocktails, it's such a funny word. Like, it does not mean what you would think it means based off of the words that it is comprised of. If you asked a non-English speaker what cocktails were, it is very unlikely that they would give you a correct answer.

There is no limit to the lengths small-souled people will go to for the opportunity to look down on their betters

Existence is a lie made up by companies in order to sell you stuff

It's all shits and giggles until somebody shiggles and tits.

Do you ever wonder if there was a Jedi that got their penis cut off with a lightsaber?

Things you can say about your onion and your girlfriend: Ryan: She's tiny and pungent! Wayne: She makes me cry, but I love the way she tastes! Colin: I don't care what color you are, just get in my mouth!

No matter what people will always find a way to let you down You could be expecting to be beaten half to death and they'll stop at a quarter

How is numismatics even a thing? Oh, that's the rare 1979 double foreskin nickle press from the Philadelphia mint, where the worker got his foreskin caught in the machine twice! Mint its worth 1.8 million dollars, but I can tell someone bought a stick of gum with it so it's only worth $4.95

Ruin a band by changing one letter: Midest Mouse

Tojima Tanzaburo wants to be a masked rider" is monomaniacal delusion the anime. Its so good. Its the best thing I've seen since Jojo

"The world of portmanteaus is such undiscovered country", he said with masturbated breath.

I once dated a model, but she was fake and plastic

L is for the way you Lash at me, O is for the Open sores that bleed, V is Very very dark and oh so scary, E is Existential fears that humans just can't carry

If you're native and have ever been asked if you were Team Edward or Team Jacob, you may be entitled to financial compensation. Call 1-800-Twilight now

The shadow creatures when I throw the peanut shells on the floor in the restaurant where you throw peanut shells on the floor

All I can say is that so far the AIpocalypse has been going exactly the way all of my favorite science fiction authors said it would.

I've always had an issue with my heart jackhammering after like a mile of running. It's made working out very difficult. I was told to try a tablespoon of baking soda dissolved in water about 10 minutes before I exercise. Two miles on the first day no problem! Where has this been all my life?

To protect my coworkers, I've been redirecting emails to myself from this one person who has been emailing us carefully crafted iPhone photographs of her fresh hot and steaming bathtub turds. She keeps asking who is shitting in her bathtub and I'm like "You live by yourself, it's you".

"Love is more important than the rules". If you have to bend the rules to love yourself or someone else, then bend the fucking rules until they break

I'm a mathematic sci wizard. She's an herbs, stones, and candles witch. Its a mage gap relationship.

I feel fucking cursed. Yesterday, me and one of my co-workers said other we were friends, and today I had to fucking offboard her.

Chlamydia speedrun 2026 challenge

Server upgrades done, 144 gigs of RAM, 40 cores, RTX 3090, 6 terabytes of SSD. This is going to go very well!

I don't get very political here but if the people who are still shitting on Kamala because they believe "she wouldn't have been a good president" would all go fucking jump into a fire and die, I would be very grateful.

"Ain't nothing better than a kitty with titties, Don't mean a kitty with titties, I mean a kitty On some titties" Flight of the conchords rapped this for me in my dream last night

Your peace pipe Vs The peace pipe she told you not to worry about

You ever take one of those poops where you feel like somebody should notify the Guinness Book of World Records or something?

Sentences I never thought I would say: Look, we can go to the ER, or you can pee on me. They're equally embarrassing, but a shower's a lot cheaper than a hospital bill.

Me in my next customer service job to a rude boomer: "Excuse, me, slur! Slur? Slur! Please calm down, slur!"

Once I learn how to cast my own spells, it's over for you witches.

Introduce yourself with what almost killed you: Hi, I'm falling through a ceiling while trying to get my cat out of the attic that my brother put up there to chase away a squirrel only to be saved by a chifferobe that I jumped off of as a three-year-old leaving a massive scar on my head.

Without pornography, you would never encounter a man that needs to hit himself in the balls with a cast iron skillet full of hot fried butter in order to orgasm.

People who have eaten since December 31st: why are you trying to start new shit?

If you get a free upgrade to First Class, it should be required by law that you'd chat snootily with your new seat neighbor. "Oh, yes, the poors" "Indubitably, poors. Yes." "Hmmhmmmhmmmhmhmm!" "Hmmmhmmmhmmmhmmhmhmhmmhhmm!"

I got flagged by TSA for the peace pipe my friend gave me. They must have been like, "This ooga booga Indian has made a gun out of stone and is going to crash the plane into the space needle! GET HIM!"

Had to say goodbye to my grandma's kitty But she left me something to remember her body.