sorry for teaching your grandma about DIY hormone body hacking. you wouldn't believe how she bounces on it after I got her on a low dose of testosterone

I got so stoned last night that I spent a significant amount of time worrying about whether Neanderthals could consent to sex with early modern humans

oh shit is it legal for me to start making bitter post-divorced jokes now?

This man won't stop agonizing about getting me gifts and I. TOLD. YOU. JUST GET ME NEW DICKS MY GUY

Watched this little (possibly stone) butch tie someone up with her belt and get her boots licked the other night and it changed me

Mmmmmm, Monster and Snowtown for sure.

Turns out if you try to wake me up with poppers your poppers are at extreme risk of being slapped out of your hand

"do I know anything about queer group sex"? yeah, you could say I'm something of a

wine & dine me (eat my pussy and drink my squirt)

Dad calls Brennan Lee Mulligan 'the incredibly white man'

I'll start: I really like cum

Dosage change is hurting my tummy

My only complaint about the entirety of the AvP franchise is not enough future space drugs

I need to know someone will burn the goat this year. Please

Turns out Bird Juice has already left the cast so no loss in not committing his name to memory lol

5 things I can see: blood 4 things I can hear: blood 3 things I can touch: blood 2 things I can smell: blood 1 thing I can taste: blood & 1 thing I'm grateful for: this moment and all it has to offer ✨

Is there a good way to say 'yeah, she's gonna divorce you my guy'

i was visited by the 3 ghosts of christmas and i have decided i am going to become the grink

I like dating cis men because they're either extremely manageable and predictable or actually eggs

🖊️ Are you a thick femme with a tragic lack of bite marks? You may be entitled to compensation* *Plz let me bite you

Dont speak to me or my clit ever again

when men tell me what they think I should do

That said, this is still a speed record hatching wow

Showing this to the man like 'this is us' (I am the horse)

I say I'm fine but I've actually had the Enterprise theme stuck in my head for weeks

reviews of my pussy juice are coming in

I forgot man friend's little friend's boyfriend's name so I've been calling him Bird Juice for three weeks after he made the mistake of telling a story about a bird eating it against his bike helmet and the 'juice' going in his mouth

always "where did you even find a minions bathing suit" and "this is trespassing i'm calling the cops" never "how are you jerry"

David Lynch was right but I personally would suggest skipping the first step.

god i love men. love their fucked up popeye forearms and the way they lope around like a werewolf

happy international mens day to this guy

I deserve all of your money

The only people it's ok to just be rude to in public for no apparent reason are Salvation Army bellringing douches. If they ask you for money it's fine to loudly exclaim 'EW, NO'

change one letter and ruin a candy sourpatch skids

dudes rock

Gonna ask if he wants to get pegged in honor of Men's Day

for international men's day i'm going to the corner store for cigarettes & not coming back

I say I'm fine but I've actually had the Enterprise theme stuck in my head for weeks

OK so when I get a dog I am torn between Dad's suggestion of naming them Spite and my lifelong dream of naming a dog 30 Helens

can we get bannet for telling people we hope they get shinzo abed yet

sometimes I cannot figure out what the fuck some of you are worked up about even when I squint AND cock my head 45 degrees

receiving worker's comp after getting trapped in the holodeck's blowjob simulator for 37 hours

First off, my suspension has ended. Got a little harsh with a post a few days ago but I didn’t have my feet on the ground and I’m sorry if I offended anyone. Will try to be more chipper. Knock on wood!

The only people it's ok to just be rude to in public for no apparent reason are Salvation Army bellringing douches. If they ask you for money it's fine to loudly exclaim 'EW, NO'

if i say something stupid because of my wretched empty brain, feel free to shut me up by squeezing my nipples or groping my meaty ass until i squeal. my mouth is for filling, not for talking ♥

A woman tried to show me a picture of her with a mouthful of OTHER PEOPLES' TEETH the other night while, at the same moment, the man brandished a photo of canard a la presse at me on my other side

delighted to report that I love Nuzzi's overwrought prose the same way I loved Melania's demonic interior decorating: hopelessly and completely

My posts are mid Midway to your twink bussy

The FUCK THIS MAN special