William the Conqueror: Hey you, write your name and address in the Doomsday Book Peasant: The what book? William the Conqueror: I mean the Happy Book... The Happy Book of Cuddles

reconnecting with nature (banging my head against a large boulder)

Doctor Who: We can go ANYWHERE in time and space! Also Doctor Who: Let's go to Wales again

STOP is short for stop thinking of porn

Paul stabs his hooks into the giant sandworm, everybody cheers "YAY, HE'S A RIDER!" then another worm hears us and swallows us whole

inside you are two wolves. one is a duck. the other is a duck. they are both ducks and THEY WANT BREAD

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, putting things right that once went wrong and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM Never gonna BOOM BOOM BOOM Never gonna let BOOM BOOM Never gonna BOOM BOOM BOOM and BOOMBOOM BOOM (you've been baldrick-rolled)

so I keep hearing fan fiction is worth reading so I googled to find the most popular fan fics and ok I expected there'd be loads of erotica but omg is there anything with an ACTUAL STORY or is it ALL just "chose your favourite characters and make them fuck" in this essay I will

quack

NEVER FORGET that you too can be a duck

hello burgers are a type of soup follow me for more life hacks i will not be accepting questions at this time

if u are celebrating today please remember to do so with two (2) extra quacks

🔔🎵🔔🎵🔔🎵🔔🎵🔔🎵🔔 quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack 🔔🎵🔔🎵🔔🎵🔔🎵🔔🎵🔔

If the friend zone is anything like the calzone then count me in, darling.

A man hands you a box, telling you it is full of your worst fears. The reality is the box is empty but oh how you fill it still.

YOU CAN IMPROVE YOUR SLEEP by raising one of your feet and tucking it into your feathers (in this tweet, you are a duck)

*me, after reading a post I think is dumb* This is so dumb. *me, after writing a post that is equally as dumb* This is so clever.

YOU CAN IMPROVE YOUR SLEEP by raising one of your feet and tucking it into your feathers (in this tweet, you are a duck)

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

If I could go anywhere anytime it would be to sleep, immediately.

I've been birdwatching for years and have come to one major conclusion: there are literally over a hundred birds.

。 ｏ ○ ╭◜◝ ͡ ◜ ͡ ╮ ╭◜◝ ͡ ◜◝ ͡ ◝╮ ( quack quack ) ( quack ) ╰◟◞ ͜ ╭◜◝ ͡ ◜◝ ͡ ◝ ͡ ╮◞◟◞ ╯ 　 　 ( quaaack ) 　 ╰◟◞ ͜ ◟◞ ͜ ◞ ╯

It’s a full moon so don’t forget to fall in love with a forest witch and dance with her around an autumn bonfire until dawn.

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

Burger King and McDonald's have been at war for years. So much for fast feud

Boss: Why are you 2 hours late? Me: My partner used my car last night and moved my seat and all my mirrors

I have an injury. My best friend asked if he could send a cheesecake, would that help, and I just wish this kind of friendship for all of you

I hate what you've done with the place (set it on fire).

I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.

[finally standing up to a bully] hey asshole... [but remembering that first and foremost I am a poet] I will engulf you like a fog

Got injured at work and I couldn't find the first aid kit so I had to make do with the second aid kit, which just contained a vial of morphine and a bunch of leeches.

Hadn't really considered that it was half past ten at night when it started raining men. Imagine you're just lying in bed gently drifting off and then you hear the first thuds on your roof.

The handshake is thought to have originated in the 1970s as a gesture between two parties to demonstrate that neither is operating a Muppet.

Sucks to open a restaurant menu and there's 300 items on there. Just give me dry food or wet food like a cat

Weird how Soup of the Day sounds so wholesome and rustic but Soup of the Night is probably the most depraved combination of words in the English language.

Nice halls. Be a shame if somebody… decked them.

Disappointed to learn that your family does NOT appreciate it when you do a Muppet voice while your hand is up a turkey's butt