My dad fought in the Pacific, came home and managed department stores and didn’t talk about it for the next 60 years except to say that he thought Douglas Macarthur was a preening showboat.

Don’t really appreciate your tone

at the height of the civil war in sierra leone, conflict labubus or "blood labubus" made up four percent of the world’s supply

Florida State has to play every other team. Highest margin of victory is the national champion. Other teams can play each other but they are exhibition or rivalry games.

Having a newborn was magical and beautiful and also if a government put me through the sleep deprivation my kids did, I would be on the phone with Amnesty International

Stepping dead center on a giant dog turd sitting on the sidewalk and instantly being like "the left's silence on this speaks volumes."

Compulsory national draft, except it’s working at a Sizzler for a year.

They should let you open the airplane windows a tiny bit. I bet that would feel amazing.

One of the hardest flexes of all time. Imagine the feeling. Chilling with the most decadent nobles in Europe and showing up to the gambling table with a fat roast beef on rye, plenty of horseradish and white onions. Oh you guys stop gambling to eat? Sorry boys, these hands are simply too hot rn

Doing a sick handbrake J turn to keep my Teams light green

United Fruit got to overthrow countries as a little treat to keep the bananas flowing and now Apple gets to sidestep a trade war as a little treat to keep the iPhones flowing. We always help a company named after fruit but who it is changes.

Final_Version_of_Tarrifs_actualFINALcopy_version7_USETHISONE.docx

Go Gators!

Well ahead of schedule

We are speedrunning the Declaration of Independence, folks.

Coping by thinking of the more entertaining ways I could have blown the amount I’ve lost in the market in 48 hours. So many jet skis.

Fascist Scott’s Tots

but black dynamite, i participate in the economy

Would not have guessed that my life would end up being objectively better than the world’s richest man

🫡

happy super bowl to all

Somberly: “Doink”

Literally just show him a non-Mercator projection and he’ll lose interest. He 100% thinks it’s as big as Africa.

You cannot make me care about traffic policy in your town. It costs more to drive somewhere? Okay, I’m sorry about that, or maybe that’s good, but man, I do not care.

All the grocery store employees groan as I enter wearing this and head to the rotisserie chicken stand

*forgets to bring phone into the bathroom* i’m off the grid

Back home with the fam from a couple days of work travel, one last pie is in the oven, and it’s egg nog season. Things are looking up.

“I did not want to steal, but my family is starving and we have only one joke.”

All the Trump cabinet announcements are like “And I’ve named this parrot that only knows how to say racial slurs to be Secretary of the Interior”

when trump had the election fraud hotline thing after the election i called probably 100 times but 4 or 5 times i called and put on this old country boy accent and did this long preamble about how i went to the polling place that ended with me telling them i saw a dog standing up like a man voting

This argument only ever goes one way! What was “done” to Mitt Romney is nothing compared to what happened to Nice Guy Dukakis or John Kerry, and you don’t hear libs complaining about that nonstop and whining that oh you Made me do it, because you were mean to those guys. Fuck offfff

There’s a lot of over-ascribing of strategy to a bunch of this stuff. It’s not a plan, they’re just racist and this is a racist thing to do. My dog doesn’t have a grand scheme that involves eating cat poop, she just likes the way it tastes!

Thinking of becoming an undecided voter as a bit

Even without the additional, much worse context, wtf, man? You are in your 40s. If this was your neighbor you would tell your kids not to trick-or-treat at his house.

(as two infantry guards drag me away from the tomb of the unknown soldier) you can’t even do the griddy anymore because of woke

Or at least pace yourself. It’s week zero. We are so much worse than this.

Beyonce could still be the special guest if Mike Pence has the courage

Cory Booker: "Heck, if America hasn't broken your heart, you don't love her enough"

it is funny that barely a month out of his attempted assassination the country is laughing at a traumatized 80-year-old’s dick and calling him weird. he was that bad

I am generally skeptical of military entanglements, but we should definitely move a carrier group to protect her bronze medal.

“Aristotelian virtues” Look at this Lincoln-Douglas debate-ass dork

To be fair, for shorter trips, they got a great deal on a used tour bus.

Good reporting from the Alligator www.alligator.org/article/2024...