I’m catching up on the dances from last night’s Strictly because I was out and an undone bow tie is one of the sexiest possible looks

God love Kew, this is incredible

The spredges are faulty

and I feel fine

sherman, for the love of god!

You know what, it’s one of those days, have Cookie Monster kaiju again.

👏👏 to the headline writer www.theguardian.com/australia-ne...

I’ve got a new position! It is called ‘fetal’ and I’ll be here for a while.

Hedgehog has had quite enough of your nonsense for one day

Ukeleles being strummed en masse. Chickens openly addressing government officials. Line dancing in a public thoroughfare. Frogs, unicorns and dinosaurs getting their interspecies groove on. Portland is lost. May God and Donald Trump save what's left of the United States of America.

after careful study, I believe only people born between 1975 and 1995 should be allowed to use the internet

Had a fall on the way back from the chemist, so feeling deeply sorry for myself now

Turns out that when Americans said "If it weren't for us you'd be speaking German now..." their objection was to learning a second language, not fascism.

taylor swift's new album

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like

New bio, thank you Tripadvisor

I’m feeling guilty about still being off sick, but also I just wore myself out doing the washing up and heating up some tinned tomato soup for lunch

Earl of Sandwich: "I put something in my mouth one time and now that's all I'm known for!" Duke of Fellatio: "OH MY HEART BLEEDS!"

That noise you hear is my father rolling in his grave and my mother crossly telling him to calm down

Mi nam is cow An wen in daye I fele the erj To hit the hey A ston or carre Mi pilo iz Or els a shepe On wiche i zizz

I have achieved a shower, it’s nice when your hair is clean and brushed huh

CRYING 😭

There's something very "Ford Prefect" about a process that arrives at "Harper Collins" as a sensible name for a pornbot

I slag off Vinted sellers a lot but this is the perfect way to sell your item.

I'm as clean as a whistle! (ie, a man in a black shirt has blown me for 90 minutes)

There’s nothing quite like calling in sick to work and then your work bestie messaging you to let you know just how fucked everything is

Shirley likes the twinky boy shocker #strictly

Nikita and Vito baffling Claudia will always be my favourite thing #strictly

How can one not smile watching Alex and Johannes #strictly

Is the colour on my tv off or has everyone been hitting the fake tan? The eternal question #strictly

Lauren is becoming one of my favourite pros, she’s such a good teacher and her routines are so great #strictly

Look what we have here then.

I have a stinking cold so obviously I’m watching my comfort murder show (Silent Witness) and it’s great fun spotting all the places I’ve been and also all the bit actors they’ve reused because every jobbing actor in the UK has been in it at this point

"My name's Kitty. I could have married, I've given gallons of blood and I can't stomach whelks, so that's me for you." RIP Patricia Routledge.

Ah, 4 October! Happy fifth birthday to this marvellous thing…

Connery looks like you just said something mean about Cher

"On October 3rd, he asked me what day it was".

Look, if you’re not interested in Taylor Swift postings, just mute the words. You don’t need to tell everyone you you’re going to have to mute them because you don’t like her/ hate her music. The same applies to the Archbishop of Canterbury, of course.

dunno who needs to hear this but

On National Poetry Day, the greatest poem I have ever read

I don’t know if there’s some rule or something, but why do all high ranking female priests have this terrible haircut?

Matthew 15:29-31: And great crowds came to him, bringing with them the lame, the blind, the crippled, the mute, and many others, and they put them at his feet, and he healed them after verifying their citizenship status.

Bloody spredges are bad enough, how feral will the Romantasy Girlies (gender neutral) be with scented books

Love a day where my brain is telling me I’ve upset everyone and they’re all cross at me with absolutely no evidence

This is like a score card from an episode of QI, where Ed Davey has stood in while Alan Davies was on holiday, and got a shock win

Thirty days hath September April, June and November; All the rest have thirty-one, Except the Month of Absent Sun. ('Tis the month we dare not name; Be wary, lest it come again.)

The bees have discovered Brutalism