Remember kids: if you go too long without anyone saying no to you then you’ll start seeing even the mildest disagreement as hate

The gate agent asked if I would switch seats so two toddlers could sit with their mom. I said “yes” without hesitation. For this the gate agent bumped me up to group 2, put me next to the one empty seat on the plane and gave me a $150 travel voucher. Always do the good thing!

I'm ordering from a new Indian restaurant, which means playing everyone's favorite game show: Is Rice Included?!

Same logic I used when my parents caught me smoking weed.

The fact that it at least anecdotally seems to be a semi-regular practice to tell white people a minority got the job in order to soften the blow of rejection really should put the elite woke panic into perspective.

But it’s all worth it because now people can make their work emails 3x the length

Why does the president have the same energy as the miniboss from Baby Driver?

Susie Wiles, after 15 hours of absolute candor to a Vanity Fair reporter: Alright so just let me know when you want to start recording.

Gordon: It's a bad one, Batman. Seen two many bodies today. Batman: Any witnesses? Gordon: Just one. Batman: Anything reliable? Gordon: No, it's just a young boy, traumatized by the loss of his parents. He saw them killed right in front of him. Batman: *softly* Fuck Yes. Gordon: What? Batman: What?

God it’d be nice to be sad about the passing of a screen legend without blueanon coming out in force to make this about Trump. The Reiners and their friends deserve better.

>the jingle horse makes eye contact >slowly, its mouth begins to open >there are no teeth, only an impossible number of jingling bells encircling a black abyss >the jingling intensifies as the mouth opens ever wider >was it always this close? >why can't you move?

This reveals such a profound difference in values between [most] artists and [most] "AI" enthusiasts. Walk with me. 🧵

if no one else is willing to say it, i will: sabrina carpenter is pretty cute

I’m glad everyone else loves Bugonia so much #lastfourwatched

my dog on the daycare webcam

I saw Zohran post hog in hellthread

the age of woke is over, the age of dark woke begins

Mike’s gonna come home to find men lined up out of his door like it’s the end of The Odyssey.

For reasons too complex to explain here, I wrote an Apple II program designed for Early Modern Age Catholics to determine if they're allowed to have sex with their wife, or if it'd be a sin. Here's the video of it running.

the executive branch accounts coming here to write down the names of people who post mean about the president

He's been killing franchises for years and we never noticed. Jared Leto was in Girl, Interrupted and that never got a sequel.

If you think ai porn "Avoids exploitation of sex workers" you REALLY don't give a single solitary shit about sex workers.....or people in general for that matter.

So cool that whenever someone asks the president, “did you eat the Lindbergh baby” he’s like, “no but I’d be allowed to, I have the right to, I might do it later”

WE LIVED

Hakeem Jeffries is the Jim Cramer of politics. We now know definitively that calling Trump senile is the right call.

big "let that sink in" energy

Carly is so powerful that just *thinking* about Run Away With Me has me tearing up right now

Des Moines has you all beat

(Knowingly) This is all happening because DracuCorp has a pending merger with GhoulStar

In a time as tense and politically fraught as now it’s become increasingly clear that there’s only one way to settle our differences: FutureSport

“We wanted you to be the first to know that a suspect has been captured. And then questioned and released. Hold up, now we got him for sure. The suspect is now in custody. wait”

Dude just thinks his dad went out to get cigarettes and SSRIs and never came back.

white house interns learning in real time that wig styling is very hard

One of the fox affiliates is showing a beach on their live feed Maybe NBC will have a NICE BOAT

In my remake of Goldfinger he just ships a bunch of shrimp to Fort Knox

I am begging Sam Altman to stop Only Looking Like he can’t stop constantly remembering that time he saw his father get swept away never to be seen again on that white water rafting trip as a child

FBI agent to a woman getting a coffee: did u kill Jon Benet Ramsey Woman getting a coffee: no FBI agent: the hunt continues, sir did you-

RIP Karl Marx you would’ve loved labubu

just when i think star trek can’t possibly invent another kind of forehead

My 11-year-old daughter, unhappy with the snacks and the long lines at camp, decided to start her own business with a couple of her campmates. I found this document on my computer.