In honor of the occasion

So it's a tradition for me, not that anybody reads this: "I have all of the usual objections To the miseducation of children who, in tax-exempt institutions Are taught to externalise blame and to feel ashamed And to judge things as plain right or wrong But I quite like the songs"

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." Rob Reiner March 6, 1947 – December 14, 2025

Unshaken, not unstirred

As if Indiana paves its roads in the first place. Buttigieg would go on to be freaking transportation secretary, but when he was South Bend's Mayor Pete, if you drove 2 blocks from downtown you needed your suspension replaced

in the movies this is the screensaver on the computers at the world’s most evil company

wtf is a FIFA peace prize? that's like being an NFL laureate in physics

“uhhh i think this is ai generated” - guy seeing proper grammar and punctuation for the first time in his adult life

I studied the blade. Well, I studied Blade. OK, I studied Blade 2, co-choreographed by Donnie Yen. Sick fight scenes

I don't do yoga, I stretch by instinct

I like people who come on here and post "Release The Epstein Files!!" like wait shit, was I supposed to do that. Is one of us in charge of that

Hegseth does seem like the type who'd enthusiastically enjoy a video game called War Crime Simulator

Re Venezuela: congress hasn't declared war since 1942

When I say "according to my research" I mean any of the following: 1. I am making it up 2. My niece sent me a TikTok on the subject 3. I ran my theory by my dog, and he appeared to agree

A moment of silence for Tom Stoppard

"Godspeed" is the velocity required for Superman to reverse a planet's rotation and locally turn back time

ME: *sneezes* TURKEY: gobbless you

I contain multitudes Oh Oh shit My multitudes containment system is failing, everyone retreat to a safe distance

James Brown yelling "MACEO" except it's "RATIO"

Reminder that it is important to be ungrateful today so that Thanksgiving hits even harder

Self-righteousness and self-awareness are strongly inversely correlated

I like to think that when Mike Johnson goes home at night his faith compels him to self-flagellate with a penitential scourge while intoning "mea culpa, mea maxima culpa"

Me: (imperious) Imhotep Them: (deferential) Yourehotep Me: (gracious) Werehotep

The best Starfighter movie is the last one

Mandela effect is the logical culmination of conspiracy theory brain, you would rather construct an entire fictional parallel universe than admit you misremembered something.

Wait, they made more than one Star Wars movie?

Molluskulinity

Bill Maher is quitting standup due to "political violence from both sides" and definitely not because of "being a really shitty standup"

Looks like he just saw Jamie Lloyd holding a bloody pair of scissors

BREAKING: Bill to release the Moleman Files passes the House 427 - 1. Subterraneous Q. Burrow (R - The Underkingdom) was the only no vote

The small town animal control to ICE pipeline

When you say "well maybe Marjorie Taylor Greene had a real change of heart" you're actually telling everyone she's smarter than you

Bubba was the name of his sled

It's called Indiana

A stitch in time saves nine, but leads to massive layoffs in the sewing supplies industry

Low expectations are underrated.

*To the tune of Goldfinger* Woodchipper

"I realize there’s a lot going on right now between work and the seven-headed dragon that is here to brutally murder us, but I really need you to focus."

If I had 99 bottles of beer on the wall, I'd give everyone their own, because passing them around one by one would be gross

instead of health insurance we should be able to buy HealthGems™ ($99 - BEST DEAL) which can be redeemed for a HealthDrop™ and 1 in every 10000 HealthDrop™s lets you get a free MRI or one month of a drug that keeps you from dying

When you recognize the true value of Hall

If the thing can be what it isn't, then what it isn't can be the thing, QED

Every time you see Kash Patel, he looks like he's in a scene from "Jurassic Park" and realizing that he's about to get eaten by a T-Rex.

Looks like she's about to open her mouth and expose a set of Sinners-style teeth

Pls send help