I hate how fast AI has ruined so much

Charles Entertainment Schumer

Christian queer noise rock band called Cummunion

Wait, is JD Vance leaving Usha for Erika?

[blazed and eating some candy, scrolling on my phone in confusion] “HUH?”

My phone is a pacifier. They made an IoT pacifier for adults

Has enough time passed where we can finally admit that Stephen Hawking was a bit of a perv (derogatory)?

Standing in my bedroom, wondering why they make me wear a shirt to work when the dresser is so inconveniently out of reach.

For YEARS people have said Trump understands the media, but I don’t think the media understands that’s a two way street and Trump is massively buffoonish and manipulatable Don’t like someone in his cabinet? Start printing headlines about how “[Stephen Miller] is the real brains behind everything”

"so much to do, oh no" I whisper as I bundle up for another little nap

Hey look, YouTube is doing a thing that no one asked for, benefits no one, wastes resources, reduces functionality, destroys original content, burdens infrastructure, and worsens the user experience all so they can push a false narrative about tech that fundamentally doesn't work the way they want.

Thank you to everyone who does a delightful little post

SEX 2.

we haven't heard from the Senate parliamentarian is a minute, hope they get back from vacation or wherever and set this Trump fellow straight on what the president isn't allowed to do!

Having listened to both sides of the aisle, I have come to the conclusion that neither Graham Platner nor Taylor Swift are on the ballot where I live.

The trick to good sex is being really into it #LifeHacks

most of all I’m outraged that Mike Lindell has a podcast or whatever and it’s not called Pillow Talk

Dang, is Mastodon finally gonna get big?

You guys ever just look at some pictures?

if they do this to a public person, think about what they do to the ones we don't hear about

I knew they’d come for the archivists and librarians but honestly I assumed it would be for a reason better than “Our Special Boy wants to give his friend a sword! Give him a sword!”

Can anyone explain what’s actually going on right now (re: BlueSky Jay)? I just see oblique references to it

A very big Onion announcement: The Onion has spent the last two months working on a masterpiece. It's a documentary titled Jeffrey Epstein: Bad Pedophile. It's so good, in fact, we were set to release it in theatres nationwide on October 2nd. Then two weeks ago, Charlie Kirk was shot.

THIS IS WHY YOU DONT SIGN UP FOR A FUCKING PROTEST

Hakeem Jeffries voted for Charlie Kirk Day but still isn’t sure if he’ll endorse Zohran Mamdani. This is why the approval rating of the Democratic Party is lower than Trump’s or the GOP.

I'd look at this as eye-rolly wishful thinking but like idk, it *is* being posted by the dude who literally clawed The Onion out of the wreckage of Univision and runs it now, so maybe he knows what he's talking about

AlgaeBT

If I were editing a column about Charlie Kirk’s political genius, I would tell the writer he needed to quote Kirk’s actual political beliefs. If the writer responded that doing so would weaken or distract from his argument, it’d be a pretty good sign that the column was not ready for prime time.

Good morning! youtu.be/1SPWgodul_E

Charlie Kirk was taking questions from the crowd before he was shot. His last words were about trans people and mass shootings.

Okay, but it's kinda poetic he was giving a smarmy answer about mass shootings *right* when it happened

Whether it’s Republican politicians joking about the murder of Melissa Hortman or Democratic politicians expressing their condolences after the murder of Charlie Kirk, both parties have a extreme rhetoric problem.

Elizabeth Warren on people who say Dems needs to tone down their rhetoric: "Oh, please. Why don't you start with the president of the United States? And every ugly meme he's posted and every ugly word."

Wait your friends are supposed to make you a birthday book 🥺

A friend just reminded us that three years ago today at a cocktail party someone bragged about being great at drawing ducks while blindfolded, so of course we had to give it a try. I went first and my friends will never ever ever let me live down the fact that I forgot that ducks are bipedal:

Trump's trade policies have given China a $60 billion trade surplus in Africa while American suppliers are largely MIA. If Democrats don't understand why this is a massive win for Trump, that's because they're too cultish and partisan. by Hugh Hewitt

Reese’s Pieces are goated

Can we skip to the part where we elect Neu-Obama and get to have Hope again? 🫩

Grape-Nuts: so jacked it makes grown men look like sickly orphans

They should do Ocean's 11, but in this one it's a crew that steals the internet back from rich people

Can’t quite put my finger on why, but somehow the actual doodle makes it so much worse and more disgusting.

Hot take: the left didn't bimbify lonely men into cuckservatives, but obnoxious tech dorks constantly telling randos "Google is free, you know 🤓" *did* push people into the arms of LLMs.

Just a gigantic big ol’ shirt to fall asleep in

extraordinarily funny to see professional bad take havers on here all like "I, an impartial observer, think this community is being very unfair to professional bad take havers"

Other answers include: “Greg” by Disasterpeace

Porn, but the audio’s been replaced with "Detroit" by Disasterpeace

Sure, JD Vance may be a hollow man whose only purpose is to serve as a vessel for the powerful narcissists around him, but have you considered this: he's gonna get Being John Malkovich'd by the president

guy who accidentally says sweet tight and sleep dreams