My bank flagged my debit card for fraud because I spent $46 at the liquor store. Like omg assholes, sometimes I’m fun.

I hope your sweet Saturday night playlist is hitting all the right notes

I wonder if people who post their gym selfie for their dating profile pic know I don’t care

Polite guy, with a dirty side...

It's the end of the world as we know it and I'm making mac n cheese.

I don't care who you're kissing as long as it's done with consent and fresh breath.

I can't separate the charm from the man, my dear... We're a pair...

One day you're young and cool and the next you have a favourite frypan.

Woke up again without Michael Buffer introducing me... but whatever...

Get outside if you aren't already

Fast approaching absolutely-losing-my-shit mode

My husband was rambling about how differently the car handles when she doesn’t have a full load in her. I giggled, then he called me a pervert. I blame all of you.

He said I’m his peace but I think he meant piece, either way I’m good with it.

No one wants to go big, we would all prefer to go home.

Hey guys... I just drove for three hours, drinking coffee and didn't have to stop to pee once. (and I'm over 50)

leave my checkered past out of this

Today feels like a good day to trust fall into a volcano.

He's a 10, but still uses Netscape and says "surf the web"...

Shoot your shot. Quit the unfulfilling job. Do that big thing. Tell her she's the one. Win the day.

Well fuck. I don't have anything to wear to Civil War 2 OR World War 3.

Stop trying to please people. Please yourself instead: eat that pizza and take a nap.

melancholy and the infinite radness

When I said I really liked old wood, I wasn’t referring to you.

I could be funny, smart, or insanely hot, but I chose the path of humility.

There's something refreshing about a little midnight air

If snack flavours were stage performances, sweet chili heat would be a musical...

Just one more pack of fruit snacks might fix me...

I'm kind of a hot mess. Emphasis on hot. And mess.

All I want is a hug, a smack on the ass and some ice cream.

He's a 10 but only reads Men's Health...

I once dated a girl that didn't swing her arms when she ran. And I'm still bothered by it

Her hair, to my despair... was as wavy as a soft-serve cone... her thighs like, long, salty fries... a savoury, sweet treat...

If you don't love Walter Mitty, we can't be friends...

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wild one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks.

Apologies for saying you are boring. But in my defense, you are.

Till death do us part is taking longer than expected, and honestly, we’re both sitting here looking a little annoyed.

Saw the first sundress of the season. Smiled politely. Thought some thoughts.

each curve, a hug every edge, a kiss

Sorry, I couldn't hear you over all the static in my brain.

In a hoodie, under the sky.

Going to start posting fitness maps of my jaunts to and fro the refrigerator.

*Inhales a single grain of rice* Me: "So this is how I die..."

One day you're hip and cool... and the next you're knocking on melons in the produce section...

If I'm working at home, and you come home after your day... you are required to immediately sit in my lap... regardless of what I'm working on or who I'm talking to...

There are days I wonder if my career has been a complete waste of time and then I remember Megan Markle has a cooking show..

My favorite moments are with you. ❣️ #sixwordsstory

Spicy is the only way I know