If the year 2025 was a flavor of ice cream, it would be pralines and dick

If you give a man the power to feed you, you also give him the power to starve you.

This place is like twitter nostalgia

Iron Maiden called. They suggested that you run to the hills.

offering 0 percent financing on these nuts

What if hot dogs had peels like bananas?

I’m in a committed relationship with jet lag

the older a woman gets the more beautiful she becomes

People get weird when you pull a bunch of baby teeth out of your pocket

I feel like no one gets their jollies anymore and that's just sad this time of year.

P R I D E ❤️🩷🤍💙🧡💛💚💜

Room for one more shitty decision before the end of the year for the plot

[dramatically looking off into the Internet] The Social Media Gods shall decide our fate

Pretty sure my soulmate is in another country or dimension at this point

I hold union membership cards for both butthole Bluesky and garbage Bluesky.

Setting a boundary knowing I may end up alone on the other side

When your mum said you could be anything, why did you choose to be a cunt?

What’s it like to have enough money to forget you are paying for subscriptions you don’t use?

A fool and his money are soon parted But then that fool goes on the Internet and becomes a dumpster fire And that’s how that fool got rich again

[first date] "Here are my top five most embarrassing Google searches."

People who run - but like why though?

It's heartbreaking when love is lost over tiny disagreements, like whether a haunted scarecrow should be allowed in the apartment.

Netflix just bought OnlyFans

Like my replies to other people so I know it’s real

Sorry to cause a commotion. I meant to cause a motherfuckin riot

I think my relationship with the twitter is irrevocably broken

I am tired, hear me yawn!

Spending the day making people irate on Facebook Marketplace by asking, “Is this item still available”

The papers in my laptop bag are nobody’s business, least of all mine.

the hills are alive with the sound of fuck this shit

If sexuality was a choice, then explain heterosexual women

I do like you. I just don't trust you. Nothing personal.

fuck your pretty face if you’re not beautiful on the inside

I’m tired of us feeling insecure. Smile if you feel like it, post your body images if you feel like it, and just spin in circles if it brings you joy. Fuck those that want to dim your shine.

Triggered by her kindness.

what if we made dinner together and shared an experience while broke as fuck

two turntables and a microphone? in this economy???

Using steak chunks as a pacifier

fuck being in your dms I want to be on your face

looking back, i didn’t find Waldo. Waldo found me

The easiest way to cheer me up is by walking into a glass door you don't see with a full cup of coffee.

“It’s okay to feel regret.” - Me, consoling my new followers.

Reply Guy? More like Reply Legend

have you tried getting fucked about it?

It’s a great day to delete your posts

women who bully other women for sport? fuck you.

Apathy is so yesterday. Get with the times people.

Me: I cleared the table for dessert. Her: Why did you leave these cranberries out? Me: DON’T TOUCH THEM!!! Her: What…Why??? Me: You have to let them linger.

Go apeshit berserk about how expensive that thing is that she asked for for Christmas Then get it for her anyway

you lost me at figgy but brought me right back with pudding