Ruin a first date: Can you stop at Walgreens so I can get some tampons

I’m at that tender age when a missed period could be a pregnancy or menopause. It’s either having an abortion or a hot flash.

Al Capone’s mom when she bought him a toy gun that he then held menacingly at a friend’s head: “oh no, I’ve created a mobster.”

When the storm fades.

I noticed you liked but didn’t reskeet. Was it my comma?

That’s it. 10% tariff on anyone who likes but doesn’t reskeet. You assholes are going to learn one way or another.

I made you this doll using only the toilet paper that stuck to the shoes of people using public bathrooms. Please respond.

His mom says he's a 10, but she just wants him out of her basement

Date night!

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. -Carl Jung

Loving the way your eyes rest on me when no one else is watching and how it makes my skin tingle because I don’t have to see it to feel it

Dear people blocking me, You should have seen my ham.

Sorry I keep sitting on your fence

Is it just me or do you also find it oddly romantic to think of sodomy?

What I always hear: “We can’t afford to pay our workers more than $15 an hour.” What I never hear: “We can’t afford to pay our CEO millions of dollars a year.” Funny how that works.

Inside of you are two wolves. They are both hot gay hockey players. They are absolutely rivals. You are emotionally invested and need them to kiss about it.

I’m fully convinced adult men who play hockey are having wildly hot gay sex with each other and honestly, I’ve never wanted to be a man more.

Get in, loser. We’re going to the cottage.

Christmas came, gifts were opened, and none of you got funny.

Started Heated Rivalry as a straight woman. Finished it wondering if I’m actually a gay Russian hockey superstar with unresolved trauma.

New Year’s resolution to only repost myself.

I hope the last few days of 2025 are kind to you

They will come back, come back again, As long as the red earth rolls. He never wasted a leaf or a tree. Do you think he would squander souls? Ruyard Kipling

The Redaction This Country Yearns For Most:

Not to get political, but I will keep a full bush until there is a regime change

Him: You have the most beautiful eyes! Me: Thank you, I use them for crying.

You can't spell SURVIVES THE HOLIDAYS without SSRIs

You're in his DMs, I have hacked into his account and control those DMs. You are talking to me. You are really bad at flirting and conversation in general, FYI.

I miss the bots that made me think I was more popular than I am

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Buttstuff©™

When I delete my unloved posts, I curse you for not liking them enough

An advent calendar, but it's just tabs of ecstasy with a horse tranquilizer at the end.

my bf ordered an exploding couch on Temu and I'm like didn't you just explode on *my* couch last night?

ever look at your best friend and think, "damn, no one is good enough for you?" Because I do.

This is about me ☺️

FUCK THE PACKERS!!!!!!!

I’m sorry I got weird but in my defense, I’m weird.

Silence is an answer.

The lies are sweeter when they become true.

I’m going to fuck in ways that will bruise your flesh while simultaneously heal your soul.

A woman is just a little girl who learned to love herself before a man could.

She is such a lovely little whore.

A fucking is a gift you must earn. Love is a gift that is owed to you.

I write with thoughts of you, my purpose.

Love is also a sin.

Bend her over the pile of clean laundry that needs to be folded like a true romantic.