I know I'm old now because when someone asks how I'm doing I tell them the truth without mercy

Nice way to display your own misogyny by using the term "Girl Power" and insinuating that OP's smacking on her bubblegum in pigtails with her Trapper Keeper covered in Lisa Frank puffy unicorn stickers while saying "YOU GO GIRL!" Maintaining this obtuse and reductive take does nothing for you, pal.

The Dateline theme song makes me horny

I’m not Patient 0 but I have 0 patience

This guy told me that he only dates women “a little dumber” than he is and I told him that it must be hard to find people that meet his criteria?

All you book people are making me feel guilty for not reading anything while the stack of books on my dresser stares at me. I just can’t focus right now

If it’s meant to be then space and silence won’t break it

I hope you are rejuvenated with the promise of spring. 🙏🏽🫶🏽

Regular, elote, parmesan and smoked salmon

A lot of political accounts block me and I just want to remind them, it’s ok to laugh and be silly sometimes. We are all angry and scared and jokes are the way we stay sane in these times. Block if you must but find your outlet and let yourself feel something other than fear, anxiety and anger.

There is plenty of dick in the sea and you can have my portion.

Working on my inner thighs so I can crush your head like a walnut

I love when I get blocked after posting a selfie. Like, sorry about my face, I guess?

This is my emotional support jar of peanut butter

Anyone else’s heart feel like it needs a thundershirt?

I'm sorry I replied weird but in my defense, I'm weird

The problem is, we fight them, they kill us. We do nothing, they kill us. We are helpless it seems, which is how it works in authoritarian regimes. My heart is broken and my brain is on fire with rage. My state, my country, my fellow citizens. What the fuck is happening?

Ruin a first date: Can you stop at Walgreens so I can get some tampons

I’m at that tender age when a missed period could be a pregnancy or menopause. It’s either having an abortion or a hot flash.

Al Capone’s mom when she bought him a toy gun that he then held menacingly at a friend’s head: “oh no, I’ve created a mobster.”

I noticed you liked but didn’t reskeet. Was it my comma?

That’s it. 10% tariff on anyone who likes but doesn’t reskeet. You assholes are going to learn one way or another.

I made you this doll using only the toilet paper that stuck to the shoes of people using public bathrooms. Please respond.

His mom says he's a 10, but she just wants him out of her basement

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. -Carl Jung

Loving the way your eyes rest on me when no one else is watching and how it makes my skin tingle because I don’t have to see it to feel it

Dear people blocking me, You should have seen my ham.

Sorry I keep sitting on your fence

Is it just me or do you also find it oddly romantic to think of sodomy?

What I always hear: “We can’t afford to pay our workers more than $15 an hour.” What I never hear: “We can’t afford to pay our CEO millions of dollars a year.” Funny how that works.

Inside of you are two wolves. They are both hot gay hockey players. They are absolutely rivals. You are emotionally invested and need them to kiss about it.

I’m fully convinced adult men who play hockey are having wildly hot gay sex with each other and honestly, I’ve never wanted to be a man more.

Get in, loser. We’re going to the cottage.