this is like when the stasi kept records on like 5.5 million people and bugged their homes and read their post and like 99% of it was "Jan Schmidt likes eating gherkins, more at 11"

Animal Farm is simply not a good enough novel to have been on the national curriculum since two years after its publication to the present day, and its consistent inclusion is because the Powers That Be demand children are consistently exposed to an anti-collectivist message.

It's Stephen Lawrence Day. Everyone should familiarise themselves with the way he, Duwayne Brooks and his family were failed by the state. Crooked police, lawyers, press and politician. It's more corrupt than you remember, I promise you that stephenlawrenceday.org

You can actually see the moment Ed Miliband thinks, what's the point burning through whatever political credibility I've got left energetically defending a man who's going to be gone in a matter of weeks.

Spanish PM Pedro Sánchez: “Here in Spain, we are approving and advancing a process to regularise half a million immigrants. “And I want to say to the Right and the Far Right who oppose this: Spain is the daughter of migration and will not become the mother of xenophobia.”

You, boy. Can you boogie?

samuel beckett was born on this day 120 years ago. astonishing to think that if he had survived, and could run 100m in 9.57 seconds, he would be not only the oldest but also the fastest man in the world - together with his nobel prize for literature, an astonishing trifecta

British history makes a lot more sense when you remember They Were All Drunk.

I told you I was right to not get a pension.

I’ve just doubled the value of my car. I filled the petrol tank up. A lovely bit of banter you can use during Trump’s war and the petrol crisis.

A thought. I'm going through this with a large, determined support network, including many of you.💚💚💚 But some people must be doing it isolated or alone. Horrific. If you know of such a soul, maybe pick up the phone or ring the doorbell. I doubt if you'll be rejected. 💚

Happy Easter

Fuck me the pheasants are tall this year.

*taps the sign*

It’s time for my favorite cartoon of the year.

Why are News outlets still using “received death threats” in their headlines? If it was on the internet you either received death threats, or had the people who would send death threats blocked/muted. The average internet interaction goes: “I really enjoyed this thing.” “@YourName KYS”

Hey, billionaire tech guys; if arts degrees are so worthless why do you keep stealing all the work we created with ours?

Beautiful stuff

“When you write it down is it ‘grower not a show-er’ or ‘grower not a shower’? “I meant did you have any questions about this tired joke format.”

These are the dumbest fucking people on the planet and it is incredible that a combination of a crankly geriatric conservative readership and billionaire donors has created an ecosystem of media outlets to gainfully employ them and widely publish their every misfiring neuron of a take.

These people have a funny way of saying "Environmentalists have been proved right yet again."

My alabaster milk child Teuton keeps asking for ranch dressing at the caviar factory, it is most epic. The fishmongers despise him.

In the latest Guardian Blind Date: OH MEIN GOTT! My review:

RICKY MARTIN: she's into superstitions, black cats and voodoo dolls ME: [staring at my Guess Who board] ok, I'm going to explain the rules one more time...

World’s Longest Coastal Path In England Set To Attract Millions Of Comedians And Their Mothers Accompanied By Camera Crews

You might have formed the impression that Paul Johnson, former director of the Institute for Fiscal Studies, knows what he's talking about. The media treats him like the voice of God. But here he is - and not for the first time - talking out of his hat. Let's break it down in a short thread. 🧵

They misjudge the politics of it because they are cynical. They designed cruel policies because they somehow thought a lot of British people were cruel. And I think that is disqualifying.

Oh God I'm going to watch this twenty times in a row now. www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGAe...

People always go on about how homophobic the Iranian regime is but idk, I'm not seeing them blocking the Gays of Hormuz

I know it's a silly jokey joke, but people REALLY need to stop anthropomorphizing their boyfriends. "My boyfriend told me" your boyfriend didn't "tell" you anything. "My boyfriend thinks..." your boyfriend can't actually think or feel; just output a convincing simulation of it based on probability 🙄

I hate Manchester United.

If you don’t need everyone in your society to be white and you don’t need for a dozen white men to be richer than god, you do not need to give a shit about the birth rate

Dear god lol

Bored? Why not get rid of an old loyalty card in your wallet by planting an 'inciting incident' somewhere in the wild

"We do not do this because it is easy, but because we thought it would be easy"

I’ve written another one of my somewhat irregular Substack posts. In this one, I try to reframe chemo as a Good Thing. open.substack.com/pub/janehill...

"Kemi Badenoch's spokesman denies she is ashamed of British animals" is an amazing sentence I will come back to for the rest of my life.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH.

Series 2 of my daft little podcast coming soon. www.podbean.com/ew/pb-rnh67-...

Another unrealistic beauty standard for camels to live up to.

So Philip Glass just joined TikTok. He only has like 4 posts and they’re simply him in what I assume is his living room playing the piano. First comment on one I saw was “your piano is too close to the fireplace, you’ll dry it out” and if that’s not the internet in a nutshell I don’t know what is.

Oh please, for the love of all the gods, someone please let Paul Mason run as a Labour MP so he can just fucking stop it.

THERAPIST: and this one? ME: that looks like you kissing my mum. THERAPIST: what about this one? ME: also kissing my mum. and groping her a little. why are you showing me these? THERAPIST: I thought you'd be happy for us.

ROSE GARDEN, 2029 ed davey: and the threat of reform.... anyway this is why I am joining PM polanski in coalition...any questions? (All journalist raise hands) Any questions not about my gigantic new boobs? (all journalists lower their hands)

That’s a £30 billion black hole in our economy, according to the IFS. And a ‘car crash’ for our care industry & the NHS. Just for starters. On the plus side, Bromsgrove currently has hundreds of union flags flying from lampposts.

Very clear that for Starmer, 'sectarian voting' is when British Muslims don't vote Labour, and for many others, it is just when British Muslims vote.

If Reform had won Starmer would be on his knees to those voters begging for forgiveness. Greens win and it's like "Fuck off cranks"