18-wheeler Scammells, thumbing out the candles All other mammals plus equal votes Seeing Piccadilly, Fanny Smith and Willy Being rather silly, and porridge oats

It's a little-known fact that the Allen key was named after its inventor, Trevor Key.

The Cadbury ad, the Alzheimer’s one with the Scottish dad and daughter. Gets me every time.

Ok then. The filthiest limerick I ever heard: “I said to the girl from Mauritius ‘That fuck we just had was delicious But the next time I come Will be right up your bum Cos that scab on your cunt looks suspicious’”

Parenthood? No thanks. If I wanted to be financially ruined, sleep-deprived, paranoid and sticky all the time I'd just get a drugs habit.

Maybe the rapture did happen but Dickie Bird was the only person worthy

Kurt Vonnegut man

"I painted a wall in Reno, just to watch it dry." Trevor Cash, Johnny's decorator brother.

we have gone from a world in which we were told not to cite wikipedia because it was unreliable to a world where wikipedia might be the only reliable source left on the internet and we all owe a lot to the pedantic nerds who got us there

I believe Aristotle once said: "Oh, careful, that'll leave a mark." Admittedly not one of his more well-known sayings.

This sort of imprecision is infuriating. Are we talking C of E or Catholic cathedral?

It's a tram! #StarWarsTypo

Ready-meal instructions said 'stand for 1 minute'. So I did. How the meal knew, I'll never know.

And this is Batman's Aff His Nut by Robert Florence, which, in my opinion, is easily the greatest Scottish poem ever written about Batman...

There’s a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Milletts.

Thank God we don’t have the cancellation of satirical comedy in this country. I can’t wait to see how they deal with the Trump visit on The Mash Report, Mock The Week and Frankie Boyle’s New World Order!

"Look, I don't care who ordered the Swan starter, we're still splitting the bill."

Proud moment as I get my wife to admit that the original version of Whitesnake's Here I Go Again was better. Small victories. Don't judge me.

[Tears for Fears follow-up to Shout] 🎶 shush, shush, shut your big mush, here are some things that I found in a bush 🎶

Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. Getting yourself some practice can get you thrown out of Sainsburys, however.

When I find out that someone uses Twitter, my respect for them collapses. They've just told me everything I need to know about their values, and their willingness to sit at a table with 10 Nazis.

When a violent fraudster who's been jailed repeatedly and a billionaire conspiracy theorist who's too unstable to keep a job *in the Trump administration* get together to whip up race hate and bloody insurrection, and the prime minister refuses to respond, what is the point of that prime minister?

Hat tip @clownf1st.bsky.social

Ah, Autumn, season of mists and mellow fruitfulness. I've just watched a dog vomiting into a drainage culvert.

I’d definitely swap it for the Wilhelm Scream if they’d let me. #EmergencyAlert

In answer to my previous post. 18 minutes.

Watching a programme about German car manufacture. Currently guessing at what point Autobahn by Kraftwerk makes an appearance.

No other word has done more damage to the craft of writing in recent years than “content”. Even if you’re using the word “content” ironically, or as a cute little joke, don’t. When someone calls writing “content” they’re pissing on someone’s hard work & passion. “Content” is Technosatan’s henchword.

Don’t feel proud to be English. Feel lucky to be English. The vast majority of the world don’t have that good fortune you were given. Don’t waste it hating on people in need of a better life; people who have risked their lives just to have a tiny bit of that same good fortune that was given to you.

COMPETITION TIME! These are two A3 prints I’m not happy selling for various reasons. Rather than throw them away you can win one (First place picks) If you’d like the chance to win a print then please RT and follow and I’ll pick a winner Friday 1pm My shop www.infinitebacon.com GOOD LUCK!

What’s your sign?

Current state of UK political discourse.

American in “not knowing much about the world outside America” shocker.

@mrchrisaddison.bsky.social been watching *old* episodes of MTW and your sudden breaking into fluent German to title a picture of Merkel and Cameron will never not be funny.

Watching a programme about German car manufacture. Currently guessing at what point Autobahn by Kraftwerk makes an appearance.

fundamentally the problem is that if you think "hotels are where I stay on holiday and I like being on holiday so living in a hotel must be fun and it's not fair others get to do it and not me" then you have the intellectual reasoning of a little child and it's going to be hard to engage with you

'Harder' is a poor choice for a safety word, it turns out.

"You fill up my census." John Denver, getting a friend to complete a questionnaire.

Colleague told me once about her dad's friend, Wilfred Huck. Hello Wilf.

People who live in glass houses should wear clothes when playing Twister.

Breaking: scientists have confirmed that a flag is essentially a piece of decorated fabric that possesses no magical properties and advise everyone to get a fucking grip.

My Elbow tribute band is called Arse. People can't tell us apart. #FridayNightDadJoke

My Guns n Roses satnav is ok, but towards the end of the journey it keeps repeatedly asking “Where do we go now?” which doesn’t really help.

STOP GIVING MEN A FISH OR TEACHING THEM HOW TO FISH IT IS NOT HELPING

I remember when Twix bars were larger. And came in twos. And were sweet. Oh, hang on, this is a twiglet.

What do they use to smuggle mules through Customs?

I consider myself quite the innovator in the kitchen. narrator: he has melted at least 12 different cheeses over 7 different types of toasted bread.