Timeline cleanse: snoring cat

If only my nan hadn't died in 2009 and had moved from Kimberley, Nottinghamshire, to Silicon Valley. I reckon her "move slow and repair things" motto would have worked out much better for everyone.

Huck me it’s cold out there. #FridayNightDrinkingHats

someone just asked grok to show a photo of me with more clothes on.

“David, who shall we invite to the wedding?” “Bono. Ono. Eno.” “I love you, you unstoppable conceptual bastard.”

So “X, formerly known as Twitter” has been replaced by “The child porn generating site, formerly known as X”.

Listening to Three Bean Salad in the car on the way to work, and now I can’t have a normal meeting without dragging the conversation off onto a 20 minute unrelated tangent for no apparent reason.

In "celebration" of thr Pepto Bismol ad now being on the radio, I took some popular radio-friendly songs and added the "Diarrhea" guy.

Why do birds, suddenly appear, every time, you are near? Just like me, you seem to be, made of seeds.

@jessphillipsmp.bsky.social could you have a look at the responses to this post and possibly even wave some of them under the nose of no 10? Crazy that Govt is still using X.

Watching the #Bowie doc, and some no-mark Melody Maker critic is saddened that his actually quite vicious write-up of a Tin Machine album caused some upset. Boo fucking hoo. #IfYouCantDoItBecomeACritic

It’s as if the FIFA Peace Prize means nothing.

“You know what would be great? If this podcast was a TV show!” Said no listener ever.

My new year's resolution this year, as every year, is to be a more available, supportive friend as well as an increasingly looming, formidable enemy.

Americans and others who do not know: tonight is the night for #duvetknowitschristmas. Enjoy.

I wonder if there are any other men of a certain age who employed the On The Beach album as a soundtrack to..erm…horizontal activity in their earlier years? Thanks Chris Rea. RIP

Since the very dawn of humanity, from the time we stopped being apes and started being humans, we imagine that people have looked at the heavens, seen the regular progression of the stars across the night sky, observed the movements of the planets, and asked themselves, "When is bins?"

it's so wild that people conflate quickness with quality so they think chatGPT writing a wall of text in 10 seconds means it's good writing.

Me: I don’t see the appeal of boxing TV: OK but what if it’s professional boxers savagely brutalizing influencers Me:

Made a start on the playlist #ForWhenItHappens

My mate Rich and I used to work in a bookshop in Croydon. He was stood behind the till when a customer asked him, "Do you keep stationery?" and he replied, "No, we move around."

I've written a musical called Fish. It's very similar to Cats, although Memory's a lot shorter.

I guess it's fitting that it's a reimagined, worse version of someone else's artwork

That’s not chocolate.

Movie you've watched more than six times with a gif. Hard mode: no Stars (either War or Trek), LOTR, or Marvel

Without downloading any new pics, describe your vibe for today using an image from your gallery.

This year we're doing Whamutopia. Every time you hear Last Christmas you have to have a mulled wine at your earliest convenience and toast George Michael, because he was a lad

My list is mainly quite boring: Introduce yourself with 5 cars you’ve owned. Mini 1000 Ford Escort mk2 Renault 11 GTL MG BGT Alfa Romeo 156

People who don’t think humanity is capable of beauty need to listen to the bass guitar in the instrumental bits of ELO’s Mr Blue Sky.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there's an increased chance that they will see you later.

Henry is perfecting the pose but I don’t know how I’ll break the news to him that cats don’t need passport photos.

If you’re a journalist who’s still on Twitter, from now on in your writing you have to replace “the American people want” with “troll bots in Eastern Europe demand” Being there makes your judgment suspect. I don’t care how savvy you think you are, you’re marinating in a disinformation campaign.

The bloke who normally wrote things was off on the day we needed something writing. Professional writer for 20+ years.

This need to be a thing.

The Roman Empire prospered due to open borders, mass immigration and diversity then fell because of huge wealth inequality and corrupt leadership. I just thought I'd mention it.

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my sense of humour suggests I'm 12, whilst my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

The fact that people risk their lives to come to the UK from France says these people are strongly committed to the UK and we should fucking cherish them as opposed to people who hate the BBC and the National Trust and the RNLI and every other British institution who should fuck off to Dubai.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, and I’ll start to suspect you’re some sort of automatic fooling machine

“…and it’s about this cop, but get this, he’s a cop in a shopping mall…”

We all know that Americans don't understand sarcasm so the Beeb should just do the most ott apology imaginable to Trump and everybody's happy.

Don’t make me per my last email you

The BBC employ roughly twice as many people as the UK fishing industry. You'd think people would question Farage's patriotism and intentions wanting it shut down.

I could stand to lose 20 pounds, but it is so much easier to sit and keep it.

What would we no longer have if fireworks were banned? Terrified pets, yet more pointless plastic released into the environment, antisocial moronic noise. Call me crazy but I reckon we can just about cope with that kind of loss, as a species.

The king to prince andrew

Which one is more English?

Look, just how can that little kid afford anything from Pandora?

My credit card company sends me emails entitled “It’s Statement Time” and all I get is this earworm. youtu.be/Hqfsukw9S6Y?...