“There’s a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets.”

Local FB groups: for people who reckon they'd have aced the d day landings but are terrified of men in vans, teenagers, accents and being able to walk 10 minutes to the pharmacy

You know you’re all missing the repeat of Gogglebox on 4, right?

Local plumbers two steps ahead of every university administrator in america 👏

Not only do I hope Spain win the World Cup tomorrow, I really hope they hold up a banner afterwards saying ‘We Won Just Like Joe Biden in 2020.’ 🇪🇸🇪🇸🇪🇸🇪🇸🇪🇸🇪🇸🇪🇸🇪🇸🇪🇸🇪🇸🇪🇸 I wonder how much The White House will believe in ‘free speech’ then?

cashier: did you find everything you were looking for? me: *gazing melancholically into the middle distance* I thought so, once

We now have to have signs up at roadworks saying “Workers working offsite” because bellends need to see you there, shovelling 24/7 so they can vroom vroom unimpeded, or they’ll complain. Utter bellendry.

Wrote some copy at work to encourage people to think of their natural spaces during the heatwave. It started something like: “Hot weather; great for BBQs, not so great for nature.” A *senior* manager said we couldn’t use it, as “bearded dragons like hot weather, and they’re natural.” The joys.

Let's have a moment of respect for all the boring american libs who are still scream-crying about England winning da football 🙏

I've seen That Guardian Journalist You All Like say it about Farage - "Ignore his politics & he's an entertaining bloke to have a pint with". No he's fucking not, he's a boorish sack of fag ends and shit teeth with zero interior life that you'd meet in any pub in Britain. What's *wrong* with you?

Actually, I think you’ll find it’s pronounced “Matterfa-chey”.

Who is this Ron Bacardi bloke anyway? #fridaynightdrinkinghats

Yesterday I had no internet for a few hours and ate an apple. It felt like an extremely minor insight into what it's like to live as a horse.

don’t be embarrassed about making art are you kidding me ????? there’s people proud to say they “made art” by using ai and you’re embarrassed to make art with your human brain ???? come on now

A friend told me she was taking a weekend away from her husband and going to Brighton Pride this year. “Don’t worry,” she said, “I’m taking a lesbian with me.” I never knew that was a service they offered. Can you hire one, like a Lime bike?

I don't want your website to send me notifications, I don't want a tour of the app, I don't want to try your new vibe coding agent, and I definitely don't want you to write a post for me, and I will not want any of those things tomorrow or next week or in a year either Fuck OFF

You Suffer by Napalm Death

Lead singer to audience: Everybody, make some noise. Me: I’m terribly sorry, I can only manage a gentle aroma at the moment.

Referred to someone as a “pranny ” today for the first time in years and, I have to tell you, it felt good.

I think one of my favourite paintings is the one where Captain Oates has just been kicked in the balls by a penguin.

You’ve flocked your last seagulls.

Hydration break. #fridaynightdrinkinghats

It’s quite habit-forming.

A lot of people don't realise this but in the UK we have to replace our Prime Minister every two or three years or else the rights revert back to Marvel

I’m beginning to wonder…

Happy Father's Day 🖤

LIFE RULES: Insulate your house with books to ward off evil Oppose the zombie AI apocalypse Never click on a link to the Daily Mail Use double the recommended amount of garlic Always stop to say hi to sheep And to horses too (but in a fake posh voice) I think that's more or less everything covered?

All the rage in Ho Chi Minh City. #fridaynightdrinkinghats

The thing about AI is it’s… just not that good. Like, it’s *fine* at stuff, but never more so than your second-most trustworthy colleague. It’s also a bullshitter. A really plausible fake-it-till-you-make-it bullshitter. It’s like the digital equivalent of a posh 20-year-old boy.

BREAKING: Greenland and 86 other countries have announced they are two weeks away from a nuclear weapon. Willing to negotiate settlements with Trump.

I mean, she’s not wrong.

“And that was the latest track from Luca Modric’s Midriff”

Dear fraudsters. Please don’t do frauds on Tuesdays or Thursdays. Thanks.

What i find most amusing about this is that it appears to clear up the fact that the British government didn’t know about BlueSky until yesterday. 😂💔

What’s the bloody point of you then, Kier?

I know very little about international football. This is good, yes?

[Nick Clegg running out of the woods, breathless] guys I just saw..........a bear..........in the forest.....it was.........it was......

At a gig for one of King Crimson’s many offshoots and can’t believe they have an upper size limit of xxl on the merch. I mean, have you *seen* the size of some of us punters?

Amazing story about how Starbucks launched a "Tank" marketing campaign in South Korea on the anniversary of a massacre by the military.... including a slogan referencing the beating to death of a student. AI did it. Emails were signed off unread by managers www.theguardian.com/world/2026/j...

100%, no notes.

There is no excuse for anyone - particularly journalists and politicians - remaining on X. None.

A picture that captures your essence.

they should put z list celebrities on banknotes. fuck with german tourists minds when they see hale and pace on a tenner

Oh, you can't write a 5-page book report without AI? I fucking wrote 5-page book reports without having read the goddamn book. Get your finger out of your ass.

Been a bit warm, hasn’t it?

Listening to No Self Control by Peter Gabriel and trying to do anything else is an exercise in futility. You’ll ALWAYS need to get involved in the drum bit around two minutes in.

Reskeet with a favorite picture of yourself.

I feel like the photographer could have gotten a little closer tbh

Pick a Bond villain from the pictures you already have on your phone