what a humiliating way for don jr. to find out his dad sends birthday cards.

my writing with a dick joke in it just won an award and I can’t decide which part to be more proud of

truly humbling to not realize how long you’ve been scrolling on your phone until coming across a singing video & distantly hearing yourself say, “that’s not fawking yodeling,” like a pack a day smoking folk music enthusiast from Boston

Let the wicked fall into their own nets, while I pass by safely. - Psalm 141:10

remember this morning? that was one month ago

I know posting "the girls are fighting" seems funny, but it's actually insensitive and shitty. My father died in a girl fight. He tried to break it up and the girls pulled him apart like freshly baked bread. He didn't even scream. One moment he was there, the next just a spray of dad viscera.

Main character energy is OUT, this summer we’re bringing NPC energy. We’re posted up at the bar dropping lore and suggesting side quests. We’re leaning casually near a locked door and saying “I don’t think you have the key for that” when someone tries the handle. We’re staring at a tree.

just read the word ‘rizz’ in an actual published book. it was even used incorrectly, mind you. I’ve been staring at the wall ever since.

tea is best served with a seat across from your mortal enemy, never relenting eye contact in a promise and a threat as you submerge the bag until the bubbles stop. also with honey.

Based on my experiences to date, being right about everything has no measurable benefits.

They should make a phone that screams when you drop it

Get you a girl whose keening wail can be heard from across the bog, an omen of things to come

today wasn’t a total waste. I may have become an ordained minister online, ordered all the garbs & certificates in my excitement, then realized it required public speaking after it was too late to cancel the order, but I also saw a hummingbird.

the poor foster dog is terrified of the coffee grinder. i feel the need to explain. “these are the beans you have to drink when you are a person,” i say. “sometimes things are very very bad. but then the beans happen and it is good.” i can tell she understands

I’m no detective, but I sense that both search suggestions lead back to the same suspect

as soon as a camera is pointed in my direction, my face contorts like I’m being robbed at threat of a weapon, unable to decide whether how little the thief will receive from me will save my life or encourage them to end it out of pity.

don’t console the girl in line for coffee lamenting her sole preference for romance books with an example of what you’ve been reading or you’ll have to explain ‘knotting’ to a handful of horrified strangers & make the barista blush when they ask about cream

i feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t get to hear the dulcet tones of my primal screams

woke up with crimson and clover blaring in my brain & searched the meaning to see if it was a sign of some kind. the artist doesn’t know what it means 😃 he just woke up thinking it one day, too 😃

how have I been? that’s none of my business.

i smell a pulitzer

these job websites are useless. not one listing for an unkempt harbinger loitering at the edge of a small coastal town, warning tourists away, lest they succumb to the string of disappearances as of late. they won’t even let me put ‘she crab soup’ as an accepted salary.

the last video I ever got to see on TikTok was the word ‘gooning’ in italics atop a panoramic scan of a rocky riverbank beneath an overpass & I think that’s beautiful

🚨breaking news🚨 cat does thing with her feets

I’ve never been popular, so being hunted for sport would be pretty confusing for me.

whenever I pass someone yawning while driving, I imagine they’re screaming, just like me.

I really need more henchman. Very few people are doing my bidding.

many assume my mind contains infinite intricacies due to my habit of staring longingly into the distance, but I’m really only ever thinking about laying down.

the march of time really do be inexorable

places I will not go in 2025: - above and beyond - out of my way - within 500 feet of any Chili’s Grill & Bar locations

for the potato fears not death

“did you know electric toothbrushes can trigger vertigo, causing you to faint while brushing your teeth like a Victorian maiden with the vapors,” I write, still splayed on the tiled floor, where I now live.

I think my favorite thing about Australia is that each bird here has its own unique beautiful bird song that sounds like a human or many humans crying out in the most terrifying and distressing way you have ever heard

it’s unfair for anything to be expected of me in the winter when even nature gets to chill.

some New Year’s resolution ideas: - become worse - inject violence into your daily interactions - utilize esoteric knowledge to usurp the throne of man - restore the natural order - do more cardio

frantically poring through short stories and novellas to meet my reading goal for the year because I love turning my brain to mush over problems of my own creation. any recommendations? #booksky

going to sleep means committing to tomorrow and that just does not sound like something I would do

apparently, acknowledging the unrealistic movie death of a quick strangulation, when it actually takes 4-5 minutes, is a couch clearer for the family on the holidays.

it’s impossible to have too many potato dishes. this is a hill I’m willing to die on as long as it’s also covered in gravy.

showering at home for the holidays means lathering in leftover lotion that’s older than the offered wine

any movie with snow in it is a Christmas movie. those doubting Die Hard’s accreditation would be remiss in forgetting Ellis’ cocaine, which counts.

somehow, strands of my hair always get stuck in my yarn supplies, so all my crocheted gifts come with the caveat of not wearing them when feeling murderous. if my DNA is going to be involved in a gruesome crime, it’s going to be one I’ve actually committed.

googling "last minute gift ideas for the one person who has sustained me, without whom I would be lost, unmoored, crashing upon the rocks under $25"

apparently the family isn’t a fan of my wrapping the winter clothes I got them into large packages resembling the bodies of their enemies. I don’t get it. why would I buy them clothes?

Told myself I’d survive a zombie apocalypse. Then I burned my toast this morning and realized I can’t handle small inconveniences, let alone the undead.

the pattern of my wrapping paper just aligned perfectly around a gift. I immediately looked up and around the room, surprised paparazzi hadn’t immediately descended upon this momentous occasion.

still thinking about the guy I hit it off with so well at the bar that I didn’t notice people staring until the bartender approached, demanding the man leave for ‘bothering me.’ apparently he was the local crazy, barred from interacting with patrons. as if that would make me want him less.

friend: let’s watch a christmas movie me: [putting lord of the rings on] friend: i said a christmas movie me: there’s elves